Marriage… and Other Stuff I’m Meant to Do
Poor Delusional Me
Being a single bloke in his forties draws all kinds of comments, suggestions, inferences and questions from a broad cross-section of people, with responses ranging from pity to surprise, through to outright jealousy. Apparently the most interesting thing about me (for some people) is my wife-less-ness (Craigism). Clearly there’s something weird, dark and dysfunctional about me that needs to be explored and explained.
Or… I could just be a happy, single bloke.
Naaah.
Pity
Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbour or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.
Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.
The Happiness Fraud
After all, we live in our head and we create our own reality don’t we? So if I think I’m happy and I feel happy then that would make me… happy. Wouldn’t it? Nope, apparently I’m in denial. Consciously happy but subconsciously miserable. All this time and I didn’t realise. So ignorant of me. I’ve been a happiness fraud without knowing it. I best start working on my frown. And my country music CD collection. If only I could find an unhappy married person to challenge the marriage-happiness correlation theory. As if I’m gonna find one of them.
Oh well.
Husband anyone?
A Rubik’s Cube with Hair
Last time I spoke about being single on my site I was inundated with feedback on the matter. I personally seem to go through cycles where my wife-less-ness is of greater or lesser interest to other people. For me, it’s a non-issue but it seems that some people are always trying to figure me out. Apparently I’m some kind of complex human puzzle that needs to be solved. Or cured perhaps. Someone raises the subject with me at least once a week. Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird. At least once a week I hear something like “it’s strange that someone in your position (my position?) isn’t married.” Okay, it’s official; I’m strange. If not me, my situation.
Ticking the Boxes
But this article is not about my marital status, it’s about pressure, standards, expectations and the unwritten rules. You know the rules. Living in Western Society there are certain boxes which (allegedly) need to be ticked if we’re going to fit in and be seen as normal. The irony of normal being that while it’s apparently desirable, it’s not necessarily where happiness lives. In reality, some people’s (version of) normal is actually what provides them with the most pain, frustration and grief. We think we want normal but perhaps what we really want is exceptional. Abnormal even. After all, take a look at society’s normal and it ain’t really that attractive. In fact, we could say that it looks kinda broke, a little chubby, somewhat unhealthy, not particularly happy and decidedly unfulfilled (miserable) with it’s career.
2.3 Kids
Of course there are the accepted (expected maybe) social standards and behaviours; kind of like a life TO DO list. It’s not always spoken of… but it exists. All the stuff us normal folk are meant to do over the course of our normal lives. Marriage (at least once), kids (2.3 of them), annual holidays (2-4 weeks, somewhere warm), buy a house (pay it off over two hundred years – can’t go wrong with real estate), a sensible job (large firm, good conditions, something secure, potential for progression), weekly attendance at a house of worship (keeping in mind the eternal consequences of non-attendance)… you get the point. Of course there’s nothing wrong (at all) with aspiring to marriage, a good career, financial success, a couple of rug rats or a respected place in the congregation or the after-life, but the problem lies in our (society’s) consensual thinking that ticking these boxes automatically provides an individual with a better (more balanced, more fulfilled, more worthwhile, happier) life than the person who ticks zero (of those) boxes.
The Enormity of Conformity
On some level we all want to fit in, but it seems that in trying to blend in with the landscape of humanity we often lose our purpose, our individuality and our sense of self. We lose, or maybe never discover, the real us. The us we could be. Should be. Rather than exploring our potential, our talent, our curiosities and our passion, we become what’s expected of us. We tick boxes. We keep parents happy. Bosses happy. We say the right things. Do the right things. We conform. We become another clone. And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.
Rules Schmules
I often think about the impact that the great unspoken TO DO list has on our lives. The rules, the expectations, the pressure, the confusion, the embarrassment and even the shame of not conforming, not ticking all the boxes and not living up to society’s standards or the expectations of others in our world. Some of us have spent far too much time, ticking way too many boxes. Perhaps it’s time to stop.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Craig Harper
Craig Harper (B.Ex.Sci.) is a qualified exercise scientist, author, columnist, radio presenter, television host, motivational speaker and university lecturer. For the past 25 years he has been a leading presenter, educator, motivator and commentator in the areas of personal and professional development. You can visit Craig's blog at Motivational Speaker. FREE eBook – So… You’ve Decided to Get in Shape (Again) Craig's FREE eBook takes 20 – 30 minutes to read, and addresses the REAL getting-in-shape issues based on his 25 years of experience. To get Craig’s FREE eBook click here, weight loss books.
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Comments
Valerie Noll says on October 8th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Totally with you here. My husband and I have decided not to pursue having children any further. Friends and family keep offering us advice – “have you considered getting medical assistance?” “There’s nothing wrong with adoption.” “You need to apply now if you are going to adopt; it takes a long time.” “My sister/niece/aunt etc adopted a child from Guatemala/China/Mars. You should talk to her.”
The pressure is constant, and it causes me to avoid conversations with people I really care about.
Emmett says on October 8th, 2008 at 10:06 am
While I am happily married I see no reason that a person needs to be unless they personally need to. I did personally need to and I’m happy with that.
Other than that, I’ve ticked off the boxes you mentioned but I agree with the sentiment of the article. So many people don’t do (or do in this context) things because they might be seen as unusual and that’s unfortunate. I would like to see a whole lot less of people worrying about what someone else is doing and have them worry more about themselves and doing what is good for other people.
I would say that some of the people that want to fix you up with their sister/whatever did have good intentions. I’ve done the same and had the effort be misplaced. Oh well.
Prabu Rajasekaran says on October 8th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Craig,
This post has triggered some dormant thoughts. Is there any box you wish you didn’t check off?
Kristin says on October 8th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Thank you for the insightful article. I went for most of my life assuming I’d check off those boxes. There was literally never any doubt in my mind that I would go to college, for example, and I always assumed I would get married and have kids. That’s what people do! Now I’m about to turn 25, I’ve had a single brief romantic relationship, and I’m beginning to think the marriage and kids thing won’t happen. Not because it’s “too late” (I’m only 25!) but because I’m just not sure it’s something I want to do. I’m incredibly fulfilled by the deep friendships I’ve made; society may say that’s not enough, but I think it might be.
Joe says on October 8th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Marriage is hell and children are the anchor weighing me down there.
Marcos Lambolay says on October 8th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
Hey there Craig! at last i can help you with some feedback!
Look, that thing, the “puzzle”… happens all the time with people. They sometimes have a hunger for knowlegde (which is something natural)and they won’t stop until they can figure you out. They feel attracted by the unknown and for what’s different, in your case, living a different style of life, a life of fulfillment, a life helping your fellow.
And my help to everyone out there that sometime felt a little upset about being criticized for her/his lifestyle, or questioning you happiness: you just keep going, you are ok. Don’t even bother answering or explaining, sometimes people don’t understand.
Marcos Lambolay
Amy says on October 8th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Ah, the age old — “So how come you’re not married?” question… I usually answer it by saying “Thanks for asking, my net worth is well past a million now — how’s yours doing?” It either demonstrates how ridiculously rude the original question is or stops them, blinking in their tracks, confused. I find answering similarly to probing -why aren’t you normal questions- by doing like any politican – providing the answer you want them to hear, really helps in the quest for normal-ness! Good luck!
Michael Michalowski says on October 8th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
“..And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.”
true words .. true and sad.
But .. hey, I live just once .. so fuck you ! :D
great post
Kok Keong says on October 9th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Hi Craig, seems like it’s not just a Western expectations. I’m single, male, in my 30s, living in Singapore and we too have these kind of expectations in Asian culture. There is a huge pressure of what society expects of you – job, marriage and kids.
Caitriona says on October 9th, 2008 at 8:10 am
I agree with this so much. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and we are very very happy together, but there is a constant pressure from friends, colleagues and family to tie the knot. If anyone wants to read more about society’s silent to-do list and how to cope with it, I can really recommend Status Anxiety by Alain de Botton.
Juliet says on October 9th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
I agree, there are way too many expectations out there in the world. The one I see most frequently is the “rules” around working, careers and jobs. You: must have a corporate job, must work (at least) 5 days a week and must work a 12 hour day. I don’t conform, lots of people don’t seem to like it. I don’t mind, I’m happy and, you know what? There are some people who actually start to change and want to be more free when they see that it is possible. That, for me, is so rewarding.
I’ve come to realise that one must aim to surround oneself with like-minded people and inspirational people.
Juliet
Jacqui says on October 9th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
In 8th grade I realized something very important. I would never be who ‘they’ wanted me to be. So why not just be who I wanted to be?
I am married, but my husband has moved into a job that keeps him away at jobs sites all over the world most of the year. I quit my day job and became a freelance writer so I could go with and work over the internet.
In-laws, friends, and strangers comment how nice it must be to be able to do that before we have children and get tied down. Then act flabbergasted when I say we’re never having children and will doing this until he retires or we find something more interesting. So you’re jealous that I don’t have a hole in my soul or my marriage that I feel the need to fill with a child – and you want ME to field bad about that?
Thankfully my own family has always understood that I would never have children. If I’m happy, my husband is happy, and my parents get it. But I sure feel sorry the people living miserable lives for the sake of conformity.
Gabe says on October 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
http://www.nomarriage.com
This website may offend, but it does bring up a lot of great points and it does sum up a lot of feelings men secretly have.
Enjoy.
Gabe says on October 9th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Oh… I forgot to mention this… “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
:P
KathyHowe says on October 9th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
I could have written this myself except I probably would have used the f-word a bunch of times. I think The Happiness Fraud was my favorite part. Perfectly stated!!
John Lacey says on October 9th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I’m reminded of an exchange between Luke and Lorelai in Gilmore Girls.
LORELAI: Well, look on the bright side. I mean, now that you’ve been married, it’ll silence all those questions.
LUKE: What questions?
LORELAI: You know, a single man of a certain age who lives alone.
LUKE: You’re kidding.
LORELAI: Hey, I always defended you. I always said, “Hey, so what if he is?”
LUKE: Thank you for your support.
kieran says on October 11th, 2008 at 7:15 am
hey dude nice article, I agree completly
Do we really want go marry and have children or do we just want to fit in an not stick out? We want to blend and be like the next person, but at the same time practice individuality. Alot of people encourage individuality as long as it’s ‘within the lines’ being your own person = bullshit
I think because we depend so much on eachother as a race, we are scared of becoming too individual, even ‘rebels’ look for others for conformation.
Cheers tho bro was a good read
catherine says on October 17th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I can relate. I’m 45, single, never been married, never smoked/taken drugs/drunk to excess/lived with anyone and never wanted kids. I’ve been told more times than I can count that I “should” be married with kids. Apparently I’m selfish. People seem to find it very difficult to cope with difference. In some circles, I’m the norm (e.g. academic women). In others, I’m a freak. Some people seems to find my independence threatening. I’ve often thought that I must represent to them a life choice they never knew they had, and that’s what they find challenging and/or interesting.
Joel says on October 19th, 2008 at 11:55 am
The pressures to get married and have kids must come subliminally from the government. If you have a wife and kids to take care of, the less likely you are to break rules/laws and be anything less than a good little conformist.
Saint says on October 20th, 2008 at 4:09 am
I’m now 51 and people have finally stopped asking me if I’m looking or when I’m going to get married. I said when I was six years old I would never marry, and I never had the slightest desire to. The thought is truly horrifying. I realize that most people seem to want this, but I’ve never been able to understand why.
Adrian says on October 20th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Too many pressures, it’s easy to react against them and do the opposite .. but best just to do your own thing.
I am pretty similar to you, but a while ago I bought a house, and more recently got married. I don’t feel tied down. Actually I feel more free, because I’m doing what I want.
TechieBird says on October 24th, 2008 at 8:33 am
I’ve known since I was a little kid that I wouldn’t conform and thankfully I’ve always had supportive people in my life who wouldn’t dream of assuming otherwise.
The biggest issue for me lately is that once in a while I have to challenge my non-conformist assumptions about myself and what I want. It turns out that occasionally I want something that does fit the norm. Of course it would be highly unlikely that I could live my whole life with no crossover at all with Ms Average, but it still causes me to examine my motives occasionally. But questioning yourself once in a while is healthy, so it’s all good :o)
khaled pepou says on November 5th, 2008 at 8:26 am
je ve une femme joli et charmonte