If your Childhood Sucked – It’s Time to Stop Blaming Your Parents!

Mario says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:20 am

I could not agree more. Great post!

Baker @ ManVsDebt says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 am

Thank you for writing what we all think, but are unwilling to say out loud!

FekketCantenel says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am

Well, crap. Now I just feel bad.

I think becoming a Christian a few years back already did wonders in my life by helping me forgive a lot of people, my parents included. But I still carry the residue of those old resentments, so this rant essay hit me hard.

(It’s ‘reeks’, not ‘wreaks’. Also, cyborgs are part human and part robot, so you probably meant ‘androids’ or ‘automatons’.)

SouthernHiker.com says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:48 am

Great Post. I couldn’t agree with you more, and neither does psychology.

In psychology, many look at a person’s personality and motivation based on the way they view control. Those with an external locus of control (blaming external factors) tend to be less successful, less happy, and live shorter lives. Those with an internal locus of control (I am in control of my life) tend to be much happier and successful.

It is pointless to blame things that we can’t change. Accept it, move past it, and know that we are in control of our lives. Don’t blame your parents, bad luck, or any other external factor(s).

Only we can pick ourselves up by the boot straps and choose our outcomes.

Thanks for great outlook.

Gumnos says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:49 am

I’d say my parents made me who I am today, but that’s a big praise for them. I’m very pleased to have such wonderful parents! I blame my parents for exceptional communication skills, strong & loving relationships, constructive habits and peaceful behaviors, good eating/exercise habits. Yay, Mom & Dad!

Dieter Mueller says on April 3rd, 2009 at 10:41 am

Stop blaming other people for blaming other people!

What a naive post. But as a Motivational Speaker (one of these modern professions were you don’t need to master any skill apart from rhythmically opening your mouth) you don’t need to get dirty with other people’s problems?

I may agree that most of the millennials are crybabies, spoiled by helicopter parents, but for gods sake Mr Speaker – there people with real issues out there. So why don’t you try more shades of grey instead of too motivational Australian sunshine?

If you would have written about the motivations behind the blame, the fears, the neurosis and the hubris of it – that would have made a great article. Maybe if you would have written about HOW to grow and how to face your fears and anger – that would have been great.

Instead we get Hurra-bashing of the finest quality.

If someone fears something or is blocked by some “concept” that he or she has been hurt than screaming and shaming like yours doesn’t help.

ohman says on April 3rd, 2009 at 10:58 am

lol

so do you felt better after blaming “parent blamers” ?

what “parent blamers” needs to move on is a little recognition from others that their past sucked. that’s why I think your speech is totally worthless.

but you can’t understand this, it looks like your childhood didn’t suck.

MaryBeth says on April 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am

You are exactly right. We must live in the present and take responsibility for our own actions.

I wish you had mentioned counseling though, because what you have advised is easier said than done, especially if trauma was involved due to any number of circumstances. For example growing up with one or more depressed parents not only predisposes a person to depression but it may be inherited. Medical and psychological intervention mnay be necessary to move on.

Moving on is certainly possible but may involve some serious self reckoning and behavior changes. There are plenty of members of the medical community now who recognize how physical ailments asre related to psychological garbage and baggage.

I am a veteran teacher, mother, and grandmother. Life is too short for whining!

Today is all we have! Live in it!

Some Guy on the Internet says on April 3rd, 2009 at 11:21 am

Speaking as a survivor of an abusive household, I feel fairly comfortable saying “Fuck you” to this post.

I’m done reading your blog.

AJW says on April 3rd, 2009 at 11:35 am

What’s a little beating or molestation? I mean I’m sure we were all molested a LITTLE. People aren’t perfect, after all. There’s probably been times you felt like raping your own kids! Get over yourselves. *Sheesh*.

/sarcasm

A degree in ‘exercise science’ makes you COMPLETELY qualified to tell abuse survivors to just suck it up.

elaine grey says on April 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am

I don’t think i’ve met folks who have had a traumatic childhood who haven’t wanted to grow. Moving on from the issues can be quite hard, though, especially if a part of the gap left a developmental hole or an ongoing issue like depression or literal scars.

Having compassion doesn’t mean giving someone a pass on bad behavior.

You write, “Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviours and be responsible for your own existence?” Actually, someone who has gone through a traumatic child hood probably has a very different brain in their head. If their early childhood was chaotic, their brain may have not established the patterns that a healthy childhood develops. They may have been formed to expect that nothing is stable, any moment of good will be followed by violence or pain. The experiential lessons learned prelanguage or at the same time as language are incredibly difficult to reprogram. Some of these early and persistent lessons from childhood can end up in chemical changes in the brain.

So the answer is, while folks have brains, rewiring them isn’t as simple a matter of saying “I choose to rewire my brain,” any more than deciding i want to be a marathon runner means “I choose to have a body that can run a marathon successfully.” It takes coaching and training and extended effort and sometimes medical intervention. Just like some athletes can self train without paying attention to appropriate gear, some folks can mentally train without any attention to process. But to change the brain so that early developmental adaptations can be overcome — compare to someone who has walked with a crutch and joint splints since crawling — needs coaching, often from many different specialists.

meridith says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm

Gee, I haven’t got big problems with my parents and this post was so virulent and agressive that I was taken aback. The advice is good – but save the drama.

Slinky says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm

Your message is good, your delivery needs some work. Obviously, blaming parents for everything that’s wrong in your life NOW is stupid. Obviously, people can make whatever they want of their lives. Obviously, people need to get past the emotional hurts of the past. All of that is fairly straight forward and is mostly a choice that people have to make.

The problem is that you took a basically good message and mixed it all up with your frustrations with a few people.

This is fantastic:
“Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be eternally pissed at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve.”

That is probably one of the best bits of advice for people in this situation that I’ve ever heard…but you precede that by calling these people selfish, whiny, immature babies. UH….yeah, name calling is REAL mature of you.

If you want to write a rant, write a rant and direct it at the few people that do deserve it. If you want to write something helpful…do that. But when you mix it all up and direct it at everyone, all you do is piss people off.

Shanel Yang says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm

This post made me very sad. I’m shocked to see something like this here. And, I no longer trust anything you have to say, Craig. It’s hard to believe this could come from you.

A says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I absolutely agree with your point, but perhaps (given that many parent-blamers do genuinely feel pain, however much it’s pain they should let go of) the delivery could have been a little more sensitive. E.g. a little more “get yourself some help” and a little less vitriol. Yeah, we all get bored with listening to people whine, but would you say this (exactly like *this*) to a person’s face?

I guess it was inevitable though that you would get some comments suggesting that obviously you had an easy childhood. People who have a hard time letting go often can’t see that it’s possible to have had a bad childhood (even an *extremely* bad childhood) and still be happy later in life. I wouldn’t say this confidently if it wasn’t for my own experience and some people close to me, but having a bad start of any kind is no barrier to having a good life.

So while it needed to be said… I’m not sure it needed to be said like *that*.

Sonny says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Congratulations Craig, you just proved to the world that you’re a giant douchebag. Feed removed.

Jeremy says on April 3rd, 2009 at 12:58 pm

Wow, my lifehack feed usually contains nothing but pointless drivel s**t out by a bunch of GTD-zombies. But this, this…well, it’s pointless drivel s**t out by a motivational speaker. TOTALLY different! Thanks for this.

[Edited for content --Dustin]

Josh says on April 3rd, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Had a physically abusive father and emotionally abusive mother and stepfather. Yeah, I should just get over being beaten, screamed at, full glass bottles of listerine thrown at me. Sounds great.

Here’s a clue, your little BS in “exercise science” doesn’t qualify you for much, especially advice like this. I’ll stay subscribed long enough to see if the others repudiate this or this Craig guy recants, then I’m removing the feed.

Abused as a kid says on April 3rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm

You sir, are a complete a**hole.

[Edited for content --Dustin]

Kylie says on April 3rd, 2009 at 1:49 pm

This is such an amazing post! I’m surprised that some people are really offended by it. A lot of what you said can really be applied to any “baggage” from one’s past that is keeping them from doing well.

Thanks.

Steve says on April 3rd, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Wow. Just wow.

This is one of the most inane posts I’ve ever read. Have you ever worked with abuse victims? Do you know anything about parenting or psychology? No, you’re a freaking exercise scientist. Sure there’s a difference between parental mistakes and outright abuse, but to put them all under this “stop complaining” mentality is mind-blowing.

It amazes me that some schlub like you probably makes a good leaving spewing this crap. While there are people out there with actual minds and hearts looking for decent work (like me!). And I’ll bet some of them had pretty crappy childhoods.

This is the last time I visit this blog. Just go back to teaching people how to do correct push-ups or whatever the hell an exercise scientist does and do us all a favor.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Patrik says on April 3rd, 2009 at 3:24 pm

This article is so stupid, I don’t even know where to begin.
Feed removed.

Jos says on April 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Feed removed

Fernanda says on April 3rd, 2009 at 3:37 pm

People with trauma need professional help, and many times are seriously impaired to look for it or to get it. But usually these people are not the ones who fit the types described in this article. Most people I know (if not all) who fit it, are the ones who belong to the huge crowd of crying babies. Those who had had very serious issues to complain about, usually behave in totally different way.

Seriously, I do not see why so much bile! Unless you are one of those blamers, who got a fair childhood, but not the way you wished….

blerg says on April 3rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Sheesh. I clicked on this before I checked who wrote it. But then halfway through the article I knew–it’s the same guy whose solution to EVERYTHING is “Let me tell you why you’re a whiny loser!”

My parents are really terrific and this article made *me* wince, I can’t imagine how someone who grew up with an abusive parent must feel about it.

speakyour mind says on April 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Bravo Craig. I couldn’t agree w/ kylie more. Keep up the good work!

Thanks.

Christina says on April 3rd, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Uh, denial is just as toxic as blame.

I understand your intentions, but this post feels mean-spirited and angry. I don’t think you’ve ever worked with adults who were abused as children; otherwise, you’d understand how patronizing and naive this post comes across.

I too am removing your website from my feed.

Work on your delivery!

Josh says on April 3rd, 2009 at 5:25 pm

This post is just very heavy with negativity and condescension… although the message may be valid, the style is just counter-productive and a very big turn off.

As someone that has often struggled with my parents, and often parent blaming, there are two points here that I think need emphasizing, and are the crux of the argument:
1. Your parents very often ARE to blame, and
2. You can get past the crap of what they put you through without blaming them.
Plain and simple, that is a fact; however, what this ‘motivational speaker’ doesn’t quite realize is that it can be extremely difficult to break with your parents and the mentality that you’ve been raised into. This often does require extensive therapy or soul-searching, and for most, after a lot of work, and all that’s left is a clean break from those parents, it is a very difficult prospect still.

@Some Guy, I definitely sympathize with you here. I’ve been put through a lot of s*%& in my life by those two selfish kids that raised me, and this post definitely rubbed me the wrong way as well. Sure, the message underneath may have validity, but it was written with the attitude of a petulant child.

Lifehack, I definitely respect most of what ends up on your hallowed pages, but I have absolutely no respect for someone that cannot form a valid, adult argument, or that throws a tantrum like a 2-year-old in order to get his point across.

Stev says on April 3rd, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Glad I stopped reading halfway through. So what exactly are your issues Craig? You obviously seem to have some…

Eric says on April 3rd, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Feed Removed

Gwuinifer says on April 3rd, 2009 at 6:27 pm

Well, as a survivor of an abusive family, I have to say I agree with this wholeheartedly. True, pain is real; True, it can be a block to progress, and recognizing that is a good step towards becoming a whole person. But I don’t think the author of this post is disagreeing with any of that– on the contrary, I think he is asking that folks would move PAST this blame, rather than sit there feeling justified in having miserable attitudes, and using their past hurts as an excuse to continue hurting themselves and others. If having perfect parents insured a perfect life, Eve never would have eaten that apple, now would she have? ;) Our upbringing predisposes us to certain weaknesses and etc, but it is BY NO MEANS a death sentence. Period. Anyone saying otherwise is condemning– and not the other way around. Just because I was a victim, does not mean I am condemned to always be one. What does not kill me will make me stronger; this is a choice I make every time the pain rears up and threatens to capsize me.

Josh says on April 3rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm

Any response yet?

Josh says on April 3rd, 2009 at 6:33 pm

Can someone explain why my comment comment a few up went from showing up to “awaiting moderation”?

Amanda says on April 3rd, 2009 at 6:59 pm

I, like many others who have already posted a response, felt you went overboard. I also realize that, all of us have to let go of some kind of resentment in order to move forward in life. Whether one blames their parents, their teachers, the kids who teased them or any number of other people who did not treat them in the manner in which they feel they deserved, it is still unhealthy. We have to realize that letting go is a step in the right direction. You did not, however, give anyone any insight as to how to let go. Some people are stuck. They may know that what they are doing in blaming others is wrong. They may even realize that it is causing more problems for them. What many people do not understand is how to get past hurt and disappointment. Some, had well meaning family memebers who did everything for them. They then, blame those family members because they do not know how to find the independence they desire. I know this to be true. I did the same thing. I did realize that I was simply using blame and excuses so I would not have to risk failure or take the responsibility for myself. I know it was not healthy. Still, at present, I do not exactly know how I am supposed to change. The realization is great, but it leaves me wondering what I need to do in order to prevent the same behavior in the future. I cannot continue to run to my family and turn around and blame them because I do not know the right way to do things. I am very intelligent, attractive, friendly and have many other positive attributes. None of those allow me to realize my full potential until I learn how to use them toward what is right for my life. Your article lacked anything to give those stuck in the past any direction. Simply letting go is not always enough.

Mia says on April 3rd, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Hmmmm….. When I read the title I actually thought…oh this could be good, because people who blame their parents do need to forgive and move on more for themselves than for their parents, but in the words of Cher (Clueless) – that was way harsh…I think presented as a hey we understand you may harbor some resentment, but it’s better for you to work through it and here’s how type post rather than a geesh would you just stop talking because I really don’t want to hear it type post it would be more effective. I think some people would read and it would slap them hard enough that it helps them, but most would be turned off especially if they had a particularly difficult childhood. 2 cents deposited.

Phoenix says on April 3rd, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Some of the previous posts were a bit iffy, but I didn’t really have a reason to drop the whole feed until now.

Feed removed.

Anthony says on April 4th, 2009 at 12:46 am

Your post reeks of BULLY, since you feel that people who have had a range of childhood experiences from mild neglect to full-on cruelty are pathetic whiners, the solution you offer is “to get over it”? What do you tell terminally or abominably ill patients? to walk it off? I don’t think you are an evil person for expressing yourself this way. Clearly your heart is in the right place just like that of the parents who abuse their children to “make them stronger”. I’m sure your progeny will thank you one day.

Dave says on April 4th, 2009 at 12:53 am

Something obviously triggered this anger and outrage. This wasnt a pre-meditated blog post. Looks like some venting at the expense of people who may have serious mental/physical issue due to their past and telling them to quit whining. More depressing than motivational. Some of your readers probably got drunk after reading this.

Stephanie says on April 4th, 2009 at 2:32 am

Dont be so quick to judge others. If you were in their shoes, you would probably be thinking/acting/believing the same way as them.

Congrats though Feed Removed!

TETZ says on April 4th, 2009 at 3:08 am

Craig, You’re totally missed out about gene. Ignorant of people suffering from genetically inherited disabilities.
Quality of your life is determined by your gene from your parents. – scientifically-proven reality.

redcatbiker says on April 4th, 2009 at 4:22 am

As I read your post, I thought about the 42 year old Austrian woman, who was locked up, by her father, in the basement, for 24 years. As well, her father (last name: Fritzl) raped her chained to a wall, over 3,000 times in those 24 years, and he impregnated her six times. She and three of “their” children never saw daylight or had the fresh outside air pass through their lungs. I’m sure you’ve heard about this recent and internationally “famous” case, no?

Your article is ignorant and arrogant, and I wonder if you would sing the same song if you had the opportunity to face that woman, or a person who went through an experience similar to hers. I don’t think you would have the guts to spew this bullsh*t to her face! If you were to, well, then you would just prove yourself to be the ignoramus that your post reveals you to be.

Abuse of children by adults is nothing to be flippant about. For those of you who feel that this author is talking out of his arse, check out this website: Child Abuse and Mistreatment

Mel says on April 4th, 2009 at 5:15 am

I think many people are missing the point.
The post doesn’t mean that your childhood wasn’t that bad or that you should be happy with the fact that your parents abused you.

It just means you shouldn’t let it hold you back in the present day. It’s over, you can live your own life now.

And I completely agree with that.

Awesome article, Craig, I think I’ll subscribe to your personal blog.

Jimmy says on April 4th, 2009 at 6:15 am

I agree with not dwelling on the past. But the truth is the truth whether you wanna believe it or not and the guy that wrote this is a non expert. Just like degree in Psychology; it’s bullshit.

Adviser Luxury travel says on April 4th, 2009 at 6:59 am

Thanks for this thought provoking write-up. I agree with you that it is we who are solely responsible for our success and failure. Blaming others and conditions can’t hide out our errs, we should analyze the failures and should learn from those.

Bronte says on April 4th, 2009 at 7:51 am

Great post. It’s easy to blame others for where you are, but plain dumb, if you don’t realize that they have no control and if you want a better life, you have the ability to do it. Getting trapped in the past will keep you trapped in the present.

Dave E. says on April 4th, 2009 at 11:56 am

I understand your frustration with a large majority of people on this subject but…. I have a close friend who’s in an abusive marriage and chooses not to leave because she blames herself for everything. So she excepts the emotional and physical abuse. I also know her father abused her emotionally and physically over and over every single day of her childhood until she ran away. I’m not going to say much more but whoever reads this gets my drift.

Can you really ever let go of something as that? I guess you could lie to yourself and try to make yourself believe everything is okay and move on but either way the damage has been done. It’s irreversible and the scars run deep.

This article subject is eye-catching but I think it should have been a little more sincere and helpful.

Vincent says on April 4th, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Hi Craig,

Blaming our parents is a sure way to self destruct. In order to make our parents look bad, we will sabotage our own life. By doing this, we will not be able to achieve much in life.

Vincent
Personal Development Blogger

honestb says on April 4th, 2009 at 1:53 pm

This strikes me as one of the most mean-spirited, negative posts I’ve seen on this site. I’m going to want to remove this feed, too.

Right now I’ve got a minor who was fleeing an abusive situation living in my house. Me and my roommates do what we can to help her out. She doesn’t have a “victim mentality” but she does have to deal with shit that you or I don’t. Get over yourself, learn to have some empathy.

Appalled says on April 4th, 2009 at 2:52 pm

May I suggest you limit yourself to your actual field of study and focus on exercise (and one assumes, nutrition)? You clearly lack both the training and the basic sensitivity to assist people with personal problems. Wallowing in a bad (particularly abusive) past isn’t helpful, no, but telling people to shut up and ignore it is ignorant and seriously questionable from someone who claims to be a “motivational” ANYTHING.

P.S. When people blame their eating habits on their parents (which I’m going to guess was the actual impetus behind your post, given your bio) they’re not making excuses. They’ve actually not been taught proper eating habits. Next time some poor unfortunate person is unwise enough to express this to you I hope you offer them some useful advice on nutrition rather than berate them.

Feed Removed.

Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com says on April 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Well, I agree with Kylie that it is surprising that so many people are put off by this post. This is a great post, though I must admit it’d have been better if there were more concrete tips or advice on how to move on from a miserable or abused childhood.

Cheers~

Mark

Dustin Wax says on April 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm

This post has clearly elicited a lot of conflicting viewpoints, but can I ask that people please WATCH THEIR LANGUAGE. Be angry if you must, but remember, you’re still in public. Thanks!

justelise says on April 4th, 2009 at 9:09 pm

I’m actually embarrassed that I ever subscribed to this feed. Children are raped, beaten, brutalized, and emotionally and psychologically abused by their parents throughout the world causing scars that never heal even with support and therapy. It’s hard enough for some of them to go through the motions of having some semblance of a normal life, but hearing them talk about coping with their problems is inconvenient for you, so you lash out at all of them and all of their problems like an overgrown three year old. Bravo. You’re a mental midget who has lived a charmed life up to this point and doesn’t understand what it is to survive abuse. I hope Lifehack kicks you off their roster, because no one who is so callous and ignorant is equipped to help people better themselves.

A Different Kind of Parent says on April 5th, 2009 at 1:27 am

For a number of years when I was a child, I was raped repeatedly by my father and loaned to his closest friends (as a gift? a favor? I don’t really know why) for more sexual abuse. He told me it was my fault, that he had to do it because of something I was doing to him. It started when I was four.

When I was eleven, he was arrested and sent to prison for armed robbery (charming guy, huh?). Sometimes I think that is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

As an adolescent, I was unbelievably angry. I was angry at my father for the abuse. I was angry at my mother for looking the other way because she didn’t have the courage to raise children by herself. I was angry at my neighbors and teachers, my school counselor, all the random adults in my life who saw that something was wrong but decided that whatever was going on was none of their business and they shouldn’t get involved.

And then I grew up and had kids of my own.

Here is my resolution: Nobody will _ever_ do anything like that to my daughters. If something seems wrong to me, in a relationship between a child and an adult, I am going to question it and offer that child my support. I am never going to let another child suffer when I can do something to help them.

I am still angry, now, all these years later, but it is a constructive kind of anger, leading to changes in my behavior. I am a different kind of parent than mine were. I am a different kind of adult than those people who let me withstand that abuse all by myself. Because I can accept that anger, because I can place the blame on my parents where it belongs, I am able to see where their responsibility ends and mine begins.

But I have not forgiven anyone.

Just Lurking says on April 5th, 2009 at 11:26 am

I can always tell by the title of the post that this guy is the author. All his “insights” are on how to deal with all the “fu*%ked-up” people that populate his world. I don’t even bother reading his posts anymore.

David Cain says on April 5th, 2009 at 11:32 am

Agreed. Blamers are the most ineffective people because they believe other people are responsible for where they are in life.

No matter who caused your problems, they are still your problems.

Sola says on April 5th, 2009 at 9:33 pm

Feed removed.

Pretty scummy commentary, but just what I expect from a motivational speaker.

Julia says on April 6th, 2009 at 12:46 am

Gosh.
I thought this blog was here to help people move toward more positive thought, not to criticize those who may have had a more difficult past.
Maybe I do not really understand what this blog is actually about. I feel I’ve missed something because each previous post has been an inspiration to me.
This one is a complete downer!!
I was blessed enough to have a relatively safe and healthy childhood. My parents have their problems, but they did a good job. On the other hand, I know people who were victims of violence and sexual abuse, and, as their friend, I do not mind helping picking them up on a hard day when issues from their past are rearing their ugly heads.
That’s positive. This post was a thoughtless display of ignorance.

Idan Smith says on April 6th, 2009 at 2:58 am

thx i needed this! =]

Eric Van Aerde says on April 6th, 2009 at 7:23 am

i would most definitely agree

ThatOne says on April 6th, 2009 at 9:18 am

Feed removed.

brit says on April 6th, 2009 at 12:07 pm

That’s THE best post I’ve read on Lifehack, or any other productivity blog for that matter. I sure hope that people will read and apply it to their lives.

Anna says on April 6th, 2009 at 2:18 pm

THANK YOU for this post!
I am single female, 30, and every day I blame them for my unsuccessful life. For my social problems, weight problems, financial problems, all problems. It might be their fault, when I was 10, but as being adult, I AM THE ONLY RESPONSIBLE PERSON FOR MY MISTAKES.

I’ve printed this article and hung on the wall over my desktop. To ensure, that I will finally take my life into my own hands.

Gwuinifer says on April 6th, 2009 at 8:51 pm

What I don’t understand about the negative responses to this post is the presumption that:

A) Craig was talking about severe, criminal child abuse (Re: Fritzl, rape, etc) but rather (”…your old man was periodically a completely insensitive, uncommunicative *%#@* at times. Sadly, that’s what (many) fathers do. And yep, we know that your mother was a selfish cow that time when you were in the eighth (and ninth and tenth) grade…”) run-of-the-mill crummy childhoods. Every argument out there can be taken to its logical (absurd) conclusion, and Craig is smarter than that. Give him a break, guys. Duh.

B) That he was excusing abusers, or in any way discrediting the pain and struggle that having a rough childhood causes. I never once got that impression. Rather, several times, he pointed out that he was in fact NOT discrediting, but rather asking that people NOT TURN PARENTAL BLAME INTO AN EXCUSE TO CONTINUE CYCLES OF ABUSE. Period.

It seems to me that this article struck close to home for a lot of folks. True, his style was inflammatory (but Craig’s signature style is in-your-face anyways) and it seems like most people who read this stopped listening to what he was saying and choked on how he said it.

Craig, I dunno what was going on in your life in particular when you wrote this, but it seems like a lot of folks took it the wrong way, and a little backstory might be in order if you wanna patch things up.

As a survivor of a 14-yr old heroin addict mother who dealt with stress by hitting me, and an abusive alcoholic father, I would never tell someone to just pretend their hard past didn’t happen. Nor would I tell them they were being whiny by expressing pain or hardship on account of it. But letting the pain win only lets the abuser win, and now that we’re grown-ups and out from underneath them, its our choice what we do with our pain. Will we let it conquer us? Or will we let it strengthen us to do what is right now that its our turn to be in charge? The choice is OURS.

Mark Banks-Golub says on April 7th, 2009 at 8:04 am

It’s nice to see you didn’t let a lack of knowledge or understanding get in the way of expressing your opinion. Over 100 years of psychology and human development learning summed up in one simple “get over it.”

I suppose you would take the same approach to cardiac rehab? “So you can’t breathe any harder; either die or get over it.” Buffoon.

Janet says on April 7th, 2009 at 10:33 am

Craig,

You have just pointed out what is probably the true secret to being happy in this life – the simple fact that each one of us DECIDES how we will react to whatever happens to us. We are in control of ourselves no matter how much we want to blame others for our lack of focus and discipline.

This is not a popular concept today, however, as is evidenced by a lot of those comments up there. We live in a therapeutic and litigious society and need someone to blame. But just because it’s not popular doesn’t mean it’s not true.

I have no doubt that you were NOT referring to those unfortunate people who have truly been abused and need medical or psychological help. I can’t believe how many people misconstrued what you were saying.

I know the type of people you are referring to because I used to be one of those people. And I currently know adults who still cannot take ownership of their own bad choices and change their lives.

Those people who truly need this advice will recognize themselves here. I just hope they take it.

Gary Smith says on April 7th, 2009 at 12:43 pm

On the one hand, Craig Harper is right – ultimately, YOU ARE responsible for your own life and your own decisions.

But some parents parents belittle, second-guess, and disempower their kids to “program” them with self-doubt (stay with me Harper, I’m going somewhere with this).

The self-doubt that malicious parents instill is not the self-doubt that an entrepreneur faces before clicking “submit” on their latest Lifehack post – this is a deep (but erroneous) belief about *reality* that is present with every heart beat.

There is quite a difference between these parents and parents who were occasionally distant or didn’t let you borrow the car keys. (but usually the abusive parents are very good at masquerading as “normal” parents)

Fortunately, people can reprogram themselves, although it’s not always as easy as just “deciding” to think differently.

Those looking for help on this subject may want to check out “If You Had Controlling Parents” – a book that will help you assess your parents and come up with strategies to break free of them.

(now *that’s* self-improvement!)

Mr. Harper has every right to criticize self-pity and inaction, but I would expect more from him than this short-sighted, hot-headed rant.

Mr. Harper, if you can’t possibly imagine how people would behave like this, then please show a little humility and realize that not everyone is coming from the same place as you.

kath says on April 7th, 2009 at 3:49 pm

THANK YOU! I need to print this out and send it to everyone I know who, even in their 40s and 50s are still blaming their parents for their own bad choices. I just keep telling them that if they’re blaming their parents for all the bad then they have to give them due credit for all the good. That usually shuts them up. You however, said it much better!

Avrum says on April 7th, 2009 at 10:55 pm

This article serves as an example of why the coaching profession – in my field anyway – is perceived to be shallow, and nothing more than a cash grab. Hence my colleagues rarely, if every, refer clients/patients to a coach.

Personally, I see value in coaching. And enlisted the help of an entrepreneurial coach during the early stages of my private practice.

Unfortunately, this post only confirms a bias that some, perhaps many, coaches are shenanigans, with inept training to work with humans.

Diana says on April 8th, 2009 at 1:04 am

“It’s over, you can live your own life now.”
You mean like Holocaust survivors?

Feed removed before I throw up.
From now on if I want inanity, I’ll watch Fox News.

Diana says on April 8th, 2009 at 1:05 am

Oh, I forgot… hack is the right title.
sorry Dustin.

Phil says on April 9th, 2009 at 11:55 am

No doubt the thought and effort that you have put into your post is based on personal experience and sound medical knowledge to the psychological impact of abusive parenting. Of course your rant is about the whining moaners who complain about it but do nothing to either face up to it or deal with it. Because as I’m sure your aware it’s so easy for people to do that it really is!!!

More importantly how about the very serious implications of bad parenting, the “maltreated” child’s early growth and personal development are stunted underdeveloped to such a degree, that their life skills are at best dysfunctional and their confidence is in many cases all but obliterated.

These people then typically develop into dysfunctional young adults many with terrible mental scares, which may not in some cases benefit from permanent negative regression, however they may need genuine help.

Your ill-advised anger towards these people is both selfish and potentially harmful.

A major element for the neglected or mistreated child is to blame themselves and wrongly believe that it is in someway there fault, that they are the bad son or daughter and that they are in the wrong for maybe complaining too much, not doing well enough at school, being to loud or any number of a thousand personal and most likely very wrong assumptions.

Our children are our future and as such deserve the best opportunity to develop, learn and grow as the parents or guardian can offer.

Too anyone affected by those issues feel right seek help, talk to anyone that will listen because someone will care you are not alone and if you feel anger or blame towards your parents only you can find the truth behind that.

And most importantly you can rest assured that the selfish and Ignorant individuals that believe no blame rests with the parents are allowing potentially a negative collective consciousness to develop that means parents are exempt and blameless in the raising of their Child.

God Bless

Gary says on April 10th, 2009 at 2:02 am

Feed Removed.

Tom Maurer | Simple and Spiritual says on April 12th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

Obviously for people who have been abused by their parents as a child this is a big issues.

But for those people who weren’t abused but carry emotional baggage from their childhood this post is bang on.

Most parents did their best. There is no parenting school. They weren’t perfect but they raised us as well as they knew how to.

We can choose to carry our chains but no one is going to give us any sympathy for it. No one is going to say “oh you had a rough childhood, we will acknowledge your pain, we will all make way so your path through life is easier.”

It just won’t happen. To be truly free we have to let go of blame and release those negative emotions that are holding u back.

Moira says on April 14th, 2009 at 7:51 pm

I have a hunch that this is directed at those who don’t really have a reason to blame their parents; those who never got what they really wanted for Christmas, as opposed to those who were actualy abused.

Ron says on April 19th, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Just because you were angry at your parents because they “only” paid 10k a year into your college tuition does not mean that people do not have legitimate, often horrifying reasons to be traumitized by their childhood.

How about we espouse counseling, proper medication, or seeing a damn doctor? Let me guess, you don’t “believe” in seeking medical advice or psychology?

JohnONolan says on April 21st, 2009 at 4:39 pm

This is a TOTALLY inapproprate post for this blog. Negative posts will bring you nothing but negativity, don’t do it.

sushee says on April 29th, 2009 at 6:55 pm

Ironic…
also, I agree with @JohnONolan

I’m a teenager and I’ve been reading this blog since I started subscribing to all these great lifehack and inspiration blogs, this doesn’t cheer me up in the least bit.

This post is somewhat an adult child-like rant – like annoying freshman. Don’t say it’s fair to write this in response to anybody that still has that teen anxiety built up in them… being the better person pays off WAAAAAYYYY better, I learned that and I’m a sophomore in highschool.

I didn’t think they would post this on lifehack.org anyways… A little bit too hardcore if you ask me.
Printed it out anyways! :-D

Nikka says on April 29th, 2009 at 8:59 pm

I have mixed feelings about this post actually. I started of feeling angry and frustrated because i am a big fan of this blog and i never saw this coming. I think Craig took it too harsh but sometimes people need a slap or even a punch in the face to wake up and come back to reality.

One of the responses was right in saying that i don’t think this post was directed to those who was raped, molested, severely abused, in critical mental conditions, or anything severe. If it was, then Craig really is the biggest a-hole ever, which i seriously hope he’s not coz i love this blog.

I am diagnosed with OCD, Rapid cycle bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and i suffer and struggle from it everyday but i dont whine and whinge about it everyday because i don’t think people around me deserve that shit and it’s totally stupid and pathetic. I blame my parents because they never understood wat i am going through and i get nothing but criticisms from them telling me that i should just be a normal person and stop behaving like some abnormal person. I take that in offense because i have endure this for 4 years and i am still trying to recover and i never trusted my parents ever since. But i suck it up! I dont want to destroy my future just because my parents are ignorant. Big whoop.

I can have a guess on which type of people Craig is talking about. It’s those who whine about how pathetic their lives is and how horrible it is when it’s only because they’re parents are not rich enough, that they cannot have what alot of people have, or they don’t have this, they don’t have that. Well, guess what?? SUCK IT UP!!! Don’t be a moron and think about those that are less unfortunate than you. THERE ARE MANY! And if you wanna go all emo and depressive about what you don’t have, go ahead but don’t put it out on others. Curl up somewhere and have a whinge, maybe some dust bunnies will listen and feel sorry for you.

I still want to know exactly who Craig was referring to. And i am not removing the feed :)

Nikka says on April 29th, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Oh btw Craig, i think it would be nice to hear your opinions about our responses. Or personally contact me! :)

shubh says on May 1st, 2009 at 1:24 am

Sometimes unavoidable auto-generated circumstances snatch the pleasures of the early childhood that affect the personality at grown up stage. But now there are many sources offline or the online which can help such people to come again in the main stream.

mia says on May 8th, 2009 at 12:13 am

Wow, what a ranting, repetitive, useless post. Do you think that berating people who have suffered through loveless/abusive/neglectful circumstances is really going to help them? Are you aware of the neurobiological changes that occur when children are subject to severe stress?

Quit spouting cruelty and consider educating yourself on the realities of domestic violence. It’s hilarious that you call yourself a motivational speaker. Let me guess, you live in a van, down by the riiiver, right??

I’m disgusted with Lifehack for encouraging your drivel.

Mia (a survivor)

Mary Karstens says on May 26th, 2009 at 11:39 am

In my twenties — I thought the same thing: It was my life and my choices. I couldn’t wait until I turned eighteen and escaped to college life.And I functioned well enough. At age 40 both were parents deceased, immediately after a seriously ill brother required my care and attention. I didn’t like him much but felt obligated to care for him. He died three years after my mother. I had a breakdown. I went into a deep, deep depression and sought counseling, who is helping me gain the tools (communication, how to have and express ‘feelings’, boundaries, self-love, self-respect, planning for a future) that I did not learn as a child of bad (abusive) parenting. Your rant at “get over it” is just not that easy. Children of abuse don’t learn the tools to make it into healthy adulthood. Most get along: angry, disappointed, victims, because they (me) don’t know any other way.
If you were a trained pyschologist you would know this, and how offensive this post is.

Nathan says on July 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am

It seems to me that many people are taking your message the wrong way, but you can’t really blame them for feeling anger at your post. It doesn’t take a psychologist to know that your post can seriously offend someone who has legitimate reason to blame their parents for a bad childhood.
One example I would like to point out is the recent death of Michael Jackson. As many would know, he was abused by his parents and forced to sing from an early age to earn income. He was beaten as a child and suffered more than many of us can imagine. This lead to his need of childhood experiences when he grew up, making him seem “weird” to many of us. Can he blame his parents for the sad life he had to lead? I believe so.
What I’m trying to point out is that, Craig, your article is a sensitive topic. Of course it is perfect advise to the average person, who should let go of the past and take on opportunities to change one’s life. But to the real survivors of childhood horrors, your post is simply offensive.

Nathan

Ann Vandermillen says on July 6th, 2009 at 4:36 pm

AS a aprent who has spent the last 10 years being blamed for just about every bad decision my adult children have made due to a bad childhood, I must say hooray.
I never intended to “pass on” a negative cildhood to my children. I did the best I know who with the resources I had at the time. Sure there are many things I would like to change about how I raisedmy children, however, I cannot continue to take the blame for their poor decision making. My childhood was not ideal either. One thing I did understand as a young adult is my parents had plenty to overcome “while” trying to raise me and my 5 sigblings.
I did not read from your letter that emtional or physical abuse is just a “pull up your boot straps and get over it”.
I did read that we can through a variety of ways overcome the lack of parenting we may have received as a child.
For those who experienced such pain and sorrow as emotional or physical abuse, there is hope! the greatest thing this letter conveys is “we no longer have to be a victim.
This inclused those parents who tried and yet are blamed.

Nat Huck says on July 8th, 2009 at 4:21 pm

“Are you incapable of independent thought?” Many, many people that were raised in abusive households ARE actually incapable of independent thought. Only with therapy to help “re-train” how to use their own brain can people truly recover from something like that. Did you do ANY research on this topic? Did you want to help people or just make people feel like crap? You seriously need to re-evaluate your motivations before you ever do another post.

Branda says on July 27th, 2009 at 12:50 am

to Dieter Mueller:
You look older than a millenial, so, think about this. You say millenials are crybabies. However, your generation is all about criticizing this generation, yet forgets who raised them. Think about that for a minute.

And to Craig Harper,
Who are you to judge someone about something you have never gone through. Ever think that growing up in an abusive household can be a direct contributor or the entire reason people develop psycholological and emotional disorders? For example, a victim of sexual abuse as a child is at a greater risk of acting out sexually in the future than a person that was not abuised. You either a) or just plain iggnorant and feel you are superior to the rest of the world or b) have a valid point (to some extent, theres no way someone in their right mind can just flat-out agree with you) and simply cannot get your point across in a way people can relate to and understand your point of view.

I am going to go with B.

Here’s some advice for you; Do your research before you go off on some un-educated rant that makes you sound like a fool. Also, get off your high horse and reconsider your career.

Branda says on July 27th, 2009 at 12:52 am

A, I meant A.

van dealer says on July 30th, 2009 at 5:32 am

I agree with this article as far as not dwelling on your past and letting it affect your everday life is concerned. However, I also feel that if a child has a bad childhood, it more often than not is the parents fault, and blaming yourself probably won’t do that much good either…

one time reader says on August 4th, 2009 at 11:38 pm

For a motivational speaker, you have an appallingly poor insight on the inner workings of your targeted audience.

I’m surprised by your impulse to write a clearly emotionally driven article, or rant. I imagine someone went complaining to you about his/her parent one day before you had your coffee. Feels like everyone expects you to fix their problems, huh? You feel frustrated, don’t you?

Dr. Ada Mont says on August 14th, 2009 at 11:21 pm

Comments like yours, (OP) are the reason civilization is suffering so much from this whack of messed up family breakage.

I’m going to assume you either, were hurt yourself, and have dealt with your pain by ‘bucking up’, hiding it somewhere, then unleashing it here, on a site people would suppose was actually meant to help them, not shame them for trying to understand why they’re hurting, or, you have someone in your life who is whining unnecessarily, and as a human you sense that but don’t have the courage to admit it, so you’re taking your anger out here on people who don’t deserve it.

Either way, someone should flag this article for excessive denial and incorrectly targeted anger.

You’re a schmuck.

Graham says on August 29th, 2009 at 1:23 pm

Craig, for people like me this is probably good (parents never abused me, but they were rather unhelpful), but imagine what you are doing to people whos parents used to abuse them.

Its no wonder so many people removed their feeds. They need to get over what happened to them, but if you think getting over something so huge is akin to snapping your fingers than you have seen nothing mate. (I have friends whos parents abused them so I know).

ohman says on September 1st, 2009 at 7:17 am

meh

he won’t recognize his errors

worst kind of person

Someone from California says on September 30th, 2009 at 11:23 pm

Firstly let me say, stop it, Craig.

Your pathetic and your writing is pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… you’re very annoying.

Drew says on October 6th, 2009 at 6:04 pm

This is a great article. I really love all of your posts, Craig.

It really helped me understand how pointless it is to get caught up on the past. What’s done is done. No matter how mad someone is now because of something that happened, they cannot change history. People need to move on and make something of their life. Complaints about the past is not what people want to hear.

I look forward to reading more of your articles soon, Craig!

Thanks again,
Drew

tayler says on October 13th, 2009 at 5:27 am

this is totally wrong, parents do come into this, because if you were treated like shit yelled at and told your worthless for your whole childhood do you think your gonna turn out fine? i dont think so, im 18 and i am totally sick of my parents and i cant take anymore, im soo unmotivated because they have been nothing but fuckwits to me my whole life, i have no confidence, and also depressed, obviously your parents werent bad people?!!!

Michelle says on October 16th, 2009 at 10:12 pm

Dude, this poster is an ignorant ****. How can you go saying that parents don’t got nothing to do with how you turned out? That’s like saying don’t blame your teachers.. blame yourself for getting that F on the test! We all know that there are good teachers and shitty ones. Same goes for parents, they all vary and I believe your childhood has EVERYTHING to do with who you are now. If you have taken a class of psychology or sociology then you would know this.

It’s easy to say suck it up, let it go, and don’t blame your parents, but that’ is ENTIRELY incorrect. We children have every right to blame the people that brought us into this world. It’s obvious you don’t understand because your parents must’ve been grreeat, huh?

J says on November 2nd, 2009 at 5:52 pm

I see what you are saying but dang you say it without taste, compassion, tact or decency. And it seems like you are really yelling at yourself, perhaps you’ve been blaming someone and you are tired of your damn annoying self.

Get over yourself says on November 5th, 2009 at 7:46 pm

This article is so wrong. It’s writen in such an unsympathetic and aggressive style that even if the meassage was meant well, the delivery could do more harm than good.

I think the author might have some unresolved chilhood issues himself but has decided that the safest way to cope with them is to not even think about them at all and that is why he finds it so difficult to hear others freely express their frustrations towards their parents: because he’s been denying himself the chance to do just that.

If I’m wrong, then why would someone feel the need to write such a hostile article, telling everyone out there who dares to be angry at their parents to just shut up and simply get on with their lives?

Denial is not just a river in egypt, as they say.

Zencat says on November 10th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

To whom it may concern:

Wreak is the pretense of wrought. It will wreak havoc on your life, it has wrought havoc on your life.

To reek is to stink. You reek. What have you been playing in?

As for the article, I think some people say those things to themselves, but it doesn’t correct the action/reaction/association/reflex mechanisms that were formed under the duress of the influence of toxic personalities.

Or something like that.