Towel throwers and ball droppers
People often ask me why it is that they seem to have so much trouble sticking with their commitment to changing certain behaviours and habits; doing what they need to do to create the results they want for their life. Even though they desperately want to change something about their existence, it seems that invariably there comes a time when they simply stop whatever it was that they started. They drop the ball. Throw in the towel. Put the cue in the rack.
Start-stop-aholics
Why we do that is a very relevant question for most people because the vast majority of us have a history of starting and stopping certain behaviours. Time and time again. Things that we should do consistently, but for some reason, we don’t. In reality, most of us know what we need to do. And for a while, we do it. Then we stop. Again. And then we start. And stop again. I’ve said repeatedly in my workshops, we’re champs at almost doing stuff. Masters of incompletion. We have enough reasons to do it, we have the time to do it (despite what we tell others) and we certainly have the potential to create amazing results, but for some reason we seem to be start-stop-aholics.
A few (seemingly irrelevant) questions:
Q. Why do you take a shower each and every day? (please tell me you shower every day!)
A. Because programmed into your ‘how-to-live-your-life’ hard-drive is a command that says you must wash every day. For you, it’s not an optional behaviour, it’s part of your normal running pattern. As a result, you have no motivational problems and no discipline issues when it comes to your personal hygiene (I hope). It’s just a thing you do on auto-pilot. The thought of not washing doesn’t occur to you because cleanliness is one of your non-negotiable habits.
Q. Why do parents change those stinky nappies (diapers) with no hesitation and no motivational problems? Surely that’s gotta be one of the least enjoyable and desirable tasks?
A. Because there is nothing in their child-raising ‘program’ (the one running in their head) that tells them that wiping their kid’s butt is optional. It’s simply something which needs to be done. They don’t give themselves the option of not doing it. Again, another non-negotiable in their daily routine.
Q. Why does the mother run into the burning building with no hesitation to save her child?
A. Because in her mind there is no other option. No-brainer.
Q. Why do so many of us who want to get in shape (whatever that means for us individually) fail to do so, even though we know exactly what to do, and why we should do it?
A. Because we haven’t made the relevant body-changing habits non-negotiables in our life. On some level we still consider optimal eating and consistent exercise to be optional. Of course we do, otherwise we’d never have the start-stop problem.
Too many of us are out of shape (physically, emotionally, financially, professionally) because we haven’t made certain behaviours and habits non-negotiables in our life. You know the ones I mean. Somewhere in that lump on top of your shoulders you still consider some things to be optional, that’s why you continue to go around in circles in certain areas of your life.
You may not even be aware of your ‘optional mindset’ but if you have a history of almost getting things done, then I’m talking to you. Do you like ending up in the same place all the time? Didn’t think so. Until you and I make those occasional behaviours, non-negotiable habits we won’t see forever results and we won’t see genuine change.
You know what to do.
Love the post. I think it also comes down to priorities. Changing a diaper isn’t optional because of the consequences. If you don’t change the diaper…what a mess! What about the rash that will form if you don’t?
It’s the same with showers and other items without options. The consequence is so high you have to do it.
With diets and exercise it’s a different story. So what if you miss a workout or two. Eating that piece of cheesecake won’t kill me. There is no immediate pain. It is easy to allow other priorities jump to the top. It’s easy to be lazy.
Great post. I’m convinced it’s a discipline issue–consistent discipline is the only way. The questions you asked were very thought provoking as well. And, by the way, I DON’T always shower everyday…Sad, I know. That’s apparently one of those things I need to change.
Heh, discipline has to be my worst flaw. I have next to none of it. But this post made a lot of sense, and got me interested in changing again. Hopefully it works out this time.
This post doesn’t say anything at all about how to create a non-optional mindset. It does tell us how important it is, but doesn’t give any direction for how to get there. Worst of all, it ends with ‘you know what to do.’ Umm…No we don’t?
I’m with Nicole. The article explains what, but stops decidedly short of how.
Stunning post. I’ve been struggling with starting and stopping a lot of things. This give a new view point and fresh motivation to stick to things.
The difference between changing the diaper and consistency with a diet is, it’s already said, the short or the long term result. How do we make following the diet non-negotiable? Image yourself being consistent in not doing the diet. That mind-image of yourself should scare you enough to make it non-negotiable. Make an image of the long-term effect of a repeated short-term weakness.
hate to be a crank, but where do you get the notion that a shower is required every day? For me, concious of the money and energy a shower takes, every shower is an “optional” deal. It is this way in Europe and of course, most of the rest of the world.
[...] had a piece yesterday on How to Create a Non-Optional Mindset which examined the problem of seeing items we want to accomplish in our life as [...]
Thank you Captain Obvious! How about a hack maybe?
[...] Lifehack has a solution for all of you stop-start-aholics out there–develop a non-optional mindset and keep moving steadily toward your goals. [...]
Yeah, I’m not getting a lot of HOW from this article. Lots of explaining the obvious though.
For me personally, I’ve learned to run with being a stop and starter, as long as I make sure the interval between the stop and start doesn’t carry on for too long and that I don’t revert back to old habits. I lost over sixty pounds stopping and starting, because sometimes I just needed to give myself a break and stop trying to be perfect.
There was a good point in the diaper changing example; the consequences of that are pretty obvious and immediate, making it easier to make it a “non-optional.” I think in order to make things into a non-optional, you need to make it clear to yourself the kind of negative effects your current behavior has on your life.
Making a list of pros vs. cons pertaining to a particular behavior helps make clear to me the consequences of ignoring what should become a non-optional. In the case of weight loss, I also took pictures of myself naked. It helps to be brutal; it’s like a personal intervention. This is how I usually get over the mind blocks and start making things a habit for myself.
To create a ‘non-optional’ mindset when it comes to working on yourself is probably the hardest of all. Also you need many features to handle thei (personal) ‘project’. This means: you need the knowledge of Time Management, you need dedication, Commitment, perseverance, etc. and of course the actual goal (e.g. losing 20kg). When I work with overweight Executives I first have to teache them to look at this ‘idea’ of losing weight like they look at every other project. All our sessions are to be handled like any other regular meetings. If you are not there on time without a notice, I’m gone (don’t wast my time). You only gona pay for this ‘personal project’. The benefit comes much later. If you are taking it serious, you “will” be on time (I’m not speaking of being late for 2min). Then also you will show to anybody you lose weight not because it’s a fashion but a necessity. Once you are 3-4 kg close to your ideal weight and can run for one hour without stoping or walking, doing this since one year three times a week, you then are convinced that there is no alternative to a balanced life – it has become a non-negotiable habit out of being convinced of the result.
Whoa Nelly! Before rushing in recognize that over-commitment is just as big of a problem as under-commitment. You need only talk to a religious fanatic to see this. I’m working on a rational commitment model. I hope I can post it soon.
@:die: Just do it!
This article is so powerful, I’m gonna start an experiment on this starting tomorrow.
I’ve already included drawing as part of my daily routine and it has enabled me to complete several projects already. But sometimes I still meander for days. I need to incorporate what I learned from this article and hope to increase productivity.
And yeah, I desperately need to include exercise to the daily routine :P
Thanks!
~JOe