Why are we so fascinated by all those worst-case scenario survival tips about situations that are as statistically unlikely to happen to us as winning the lottery? Some of those tips seem more useful than others, take Wikihow’s guide to surviving a shark attack.
Step 1) Remain Calm.” Hmm, calm during shark attack? Not so much.
Or this advice on what to do if attacked by a bear, courtesy of the Tongass National Forest: Forest Facts webpage,
“If a bear actually makes contact, surrender! Fall to the ground and play dead….” So far, so good, I think I could do that. Now what?
“… If the bear continues biting you long after you assume a defensive posture, it likely is a predatory attack.” Ya think?
In any case, I’m not sure that my playing dead performance could survive the distraction of being repeatedly bitten by a bear.
How about some more useful advice? Something that there is a good chance of you actually needing and employing? Like what to do when confronted by a nagging wife? Not unlike the famous Supreme Court Justice quote about pornography, nagging is hard to define, but you know it when you see it. It’s the bane of husbands everywhere. So what should you do in this commonplace worst-case marriage scenario?
- Remain Calm
Imagine yourself as the pilot of a large plane or a secret forces special operative and try to remember that all emergencies are better handled without panic. Inhale slowly and deeply and as you exhale make a conscious attempt to relax your muscles. - Remove head from sand (or elsewhere)
Much like throwing up, these marital skirmishes are always worse in the miserable anticipation. You may be thinking ‘I’d rather stick pins in my eyes than talk about our relationship’ and hoping that if you can just avoid the situation long enough, she’ll forget about it. Whilst that certainly is a popular strategy, its chances of success rank about the same of the plight of Mr. Ostrich, head hidden in the sand, hoping the lioness can’t see him. - Stand your ground.
Gird your manly loins and resist the urge to run away. Either literally, by avoiding the situation or figuratively by allowing your brain to escape whilst your body remains in the firing line. Retreat is almost always a futile endeavor in these situations and can often make things worse as it provokes a more energetic pursuit. Whilst you may be able to outrun your pursuer initially, never under-estimate her persistence; you’re going to have to sleep eventually. - Face your fear
It’s always a tactically sound move not to turn you back on the enemy. But this advice means more than that. It means figuring out for yourself what your resistance is about. Two of the most common are, fear of losing your freedom and/or fear of being shamed. Even when they are convinced their wives has the most unreasonable demands that will never be satisfied by anyone, men rarely like to feel they have failed to deliver. Once you’ve figured out what your real fear is, check out if it’s rational. If it seems likely that your fear could actually transpire, retreat immediately to safety. If not… - Be assertive
If you really want to stop her hounding you, stop running. Women are much more satisfied with 100% of you 50% of the time than they will ever be with 50% of you 100%. Ducking and diving is a recipe for disaster. Rather than trying to evade the issue, stand in your power and say what you can and want to do and then do it. Keeping your word builds trust. Trust defuses nagging. As in business, always under-promise and over-deliver. The irony is that if you actually give her the attention and connection that she is craving, she’s almost certainly going to stop needing to talk about not getting it. Imagine that! - Camouflage
See beyond the teeth and claws. Remember that it’s never about the X. It’s about her need to feel connected, respected, cared for, cherished and desired. You need to pay very close attention to what she is actually saying and yet, even more importantly what is she really wanting. - Shock and awe
This is not for the faint of heart, but as they say, faint heart never won fair lady. Do the unexpected. Move towards the roar! Instead of getting defensive or giving the cold shoulder, try disarming her with charm. If your sense of humor is something she fell in love with, goof it up. If you can manage to get her to crack a smile, it’s all over. If fancy footwork is more your style, swoop in and spin or dip her. Scoop her into your arms and give her a gentle squeeze. If nothing else, reach out and touch her, gently. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re being held.
In conclusion, gentlemen, I give you the number one marriage hack of all time – Love the lioness and see how quickly she turns back into a happy kitty-cat.
The disclaimer. Men, there are no guarantees here, I offer you hope, rather than miracles with a reminder that these techniques are intended for use against common or garden nagging, they are not a get-out-of-jail card to deal with any serious offences you may have committed against the institution of marriage. Employ them at your own risk!
The last point about Shock & Awe is very much related to the advice that many relationship coaches suggest in terms of always treating the relationship as if we are still in the courtship phase. This way, we will try harder rather than take our relationships and partners for granted. I could have used this info as early as 25 years ago!
Thank you, Clint
Thank you so much Mirabai, as a heterosexual male I sometimes wonder if I should do the expected thing and couple up,after reading this I now know the right course of action ,I’ll let anyone reading guess what that is
thanks again ,this makes me feel so much better :)
Jeepers, we women are pretty confrontational and frightening creatures huh. “It’s always a tactically sound move not to turn you back on the enemy”; ”If you really want to stop her hounding you…”; ”See beyond the teeth and claws.”. One of the unfortunate things about western socialisation is this cultural myth that masculinity and femininity and oppositional, and break down to a war of the sexes – mirrored in the language of this post. Generally I like lifehack, there are some great ideas here, but this language does not help either men or women. Yes, I’m sure someone here will call me a harpie for sighing so audibly over the stereotypic language that reduces women’s voices to nagging (which, from experience, usually just equates to repeating the same thing someone isn’t listening to the first time), but maybe if we moved beyond this kind of war of attrition language we could actually do the thing that solves issues - actively listen and respectfully communicate.
I take this as humorously written (see beyond the teeth and claws, etc) and don’t feel offended or threatened by the language.
It could have been better, but it wouldn’t have been funny if there hadn’t been *any* generalizations or colorful language. I did note that it didn’t paint women as bad, and men as good. I saw some balance there, and it’s true enough that people usually won’t nag (or ‘repeatedly refer to that which you don’t wan’t to hear’ if you prefer) when they are satisfied with a situation, so the advice to actually pay attention and be willing to confront something head-on, was good.
The part about no one being able to still be angry while being held? Uh, bad advice! If he tried to “hold” me instead of hearing and responding, I would definitely very angrily shake off the attempt. In the context of a conflict, ‘holding’ would likely be interpreted as a restraint, or might easily become one, and that’s a serious problem.
I think the difference in our readings highlights what I call the ‘intention-perception’ gap – the large space between what the actor intends and what the audience perceives. What humour was intended was quickly overridden for me by the use of harmful stereotypes of women. Women who complain are nagging, men who complain are being assertive, or at worst argumentative. We don’t call men nags. And if we do its comical, not constraining and demeaning. ’Nag’ is not a positive word. A quick survey of language to describe women is often demeaning, subordinating or highlights difference where male language is the scale for positivity and normalcy. There is some need to be aware of language that separates, denigrates and diminishes. Some may claim that we are being too PC, but I think we need to be aware of the power of language to define others, but also to define us as users.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Regarding your conclusion “maybe if we moved beyond this kind of war of attrition language we could
actually do the thing that solves issues - actively listen and
respectfully communicate.”, in actual fact we share this goal. I feel that it is more important to change behavior rather than
language and that the confrontational ” harpie” approach usually lands
on deaf ears anyway. I am a feminist who desires socio-political gender equality AND I celebrate and relish the yin-yang polarity between masculine and feminine which is independent of gender – Vive la Différence! My primary objective in writing this piece is to inspire more compassion and passion by stimulating more respectful communication. My pragmatic approach is more of a trojan horse strategy. I utilize the stereotypical language of my ideological opponent to engage a wider audience and then hopefully, perform the equivalent of an aikido manoevre, in which one captivates the momentum of the opposing energy and redirects it to the desired path.
In 5 words or less: Give me a break. What you are trying to pass off as the literary equivalent of some kind of aikido move (whatever that’s supposed to mean) is really just your garden variety [the expression isn't just "garden" FYI] terrible writing — badly concieved, confused about its audience, and inappropriately worded considering the context of its purported message. To write well you have to speak some semblance of the truth (i.e. your truth). It starts with an original thought or idea, not a bunch of quotes and cliches strung together into sentences. The goal is authenticity; and readers intuitively recognize it when they see it. The inherent validity of a well-written argument is obvious, whether or not we agree with the sentiment behind it. Sorry, but this article wasn’t even close to a legitimate attempt. It was at least as sexist to men as it was to women, by the way. Also, please look up the word “feminist” as you appear to be confused about its definition.
Thank you for your thoughtful commentary
Thanks Meg. I agree with you.
Offensive and misogynistic. Where both partners work, women still do 80% of housework and childcare. I am astonished this crap about nsgging is acceptable in the 21st century. Wht not bring back thr ducking stoll and remive womens rights altogether? How about an article telling men how to grow up and take responsibility?! You should be ashamed of yourself.
I find this article to be the complete opposite – it’s spot-on and very real. Now if I could only get my hands on something similar for Women and send it around, I’m sure it’ll clear up a whole load of things (man caves and all that). ;)
Regarding “women still do 80% of housework and childcare” – I don’t see that being true for the ‘younger’ generation (but can see the connection to couples in their 40s+, so fair enough). Remember, there’s always 2 in a relationship and to do 80% of the housework etc is a choice (yes, I know I’ll get some heat for this one…but think about it for a second before you respond).
Regarding “How about an article telling men how to grow up and take responsibility” – to take it to the extreme opposite (and also generalize), maybe us women should relax a bit and let our men do things their way? Our way isn’t always the best or only way. :)
At the end of the day, it comes down to communication and to put yourself in the other persons shoes once in a while. Always try to see the other person, not just look at them but actually SEE them. Communicate clearly, listen carefully and as a result it’s pretty easy to figure out the small things that makes your partner happy (and for your partner to figure out what makes you happy).
Love and light.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I was saddened to hear that you misinterpreted this post as misogynistic. I believe that this article will inspire better treatment of women.
It’s pretty backhanded and disengenuous to say: I am sorry you “misinterpreted” my post. That’s a passive-aggressive way of saying “you’re wrong” while pretending to politely apologize. You sure you’re in the mental health field? Scary.
Sexist’s crap
I see a lot of that as being potentially helpful, EXCEPT that for me, whereas making me laugh would diffuse the tension and be of benefit, attempting to distract or obfuscate the issue behind a cloud of romance (swooping me up in an embrace for instance) would feel disrespectful and like he wasn’t listening, and thought such a lame ploy would work. If I have something serious to discuss with him, and he suddenly bursts into a sideshow of passionate nonsequitor, I would not only not be impressed, I’d be irritated at him using that to try to sidestep. The direct approach of squaring off and taking the issue as something that deserves serious consideration, (even if it means we are on opposite sides) is much better than feeling like I am trying to nail jello to a wall. But I prefer open confrontation and resolution, and everyone honestly representing their point of view, over nothing getting resolved because the facade of harmonious agreement must be maintained. Oh, and I don’t think this is misogynistic. What does housework have to do with whether the term ‘nagging’ is offensive? If my hubby reminded me of something more than once, is it not ok to use that descriptor? Must I find a euphemism? How about “repeatedly articulating something I don’t want to hear’? Seems cumbersome and counterintuitive, like a lot of PC crap.
This whole article is disrespectful towards women. What the hell?
Little buffalo – another comment! I think you are officially my biggest fan
good stuff
Glad you liked it
I’m offended by the language and stance of this post. Perhaps good points were made, but I was alienated from the start with the “for men.”
Please keep in mind that people all vary, regardless of sex or gender, and try to address conflict resolution issues in a neutral way. Stereotyping populations does nothing but reinforce the negative stereotypical behaviors you are trying to amend.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this post. I absolutely agree that people vary, I see masculinity and femininity as a scale independent of gender. I am sure we could debate the merits or otherwise of situational
ethics, suffice it to say that, in the pursuit of the highest good, I
feel it is acceptable to use humor to invoke a stereotype if the effect
is more respectful behavior. I think that gender neutral conflict resolution strategies are ideal in situations in which one wishes to be perceived without gender, but in intimate relationships, there are other more emotionally intelligent avenues to explore.
Yeah but… This kind of stuff hasn’t been funny since the early 1950s.
With all due respect to everyone that’s commented, that humorless thoughtless facade of righteous indignation is the exact problem in modern societies. Laugh at a joke and listen to your spouse. Men dread dealing with women because more often than not we’re marginalized as sexist pigs/thickheaded so-and-sos* for making legitimate complaints. I love my wife and enjoy my marriage but when she get a problem about me or what im doing (regardless of a long term habit or a days plans) in her head there’s not much I can do besides nod my head and hop to like a butler. I know she works hard and I appreciate that but she refuses to believe I do anything more taxing than put on my suit to surf porn at a friends house and that’s as much a stressor on the marriage as anything in my opinion
You are confusing your wife with “modern society.” Not synonymous.
In 5 words or less: Give me a break. What you are trying to pass off as the literary equivalent of some kind of aikido move (whatever that’s supposed to mean) is really just your garden variety [the expression isn't just "garden" FYI] terrible writing — badly concieved, confused about its audience, and inappropriately worded considering the context of its purported message. To write well you have to speak some semblance of the truth (i.e. your truth). It starts with an original thought or idea, not a bunch of quotes and cliches strung together into sentences. The goal is authenticity; and readers intuitively recognize it when they see it. The inherent validity of a well-written argument is obvious, whether or not we agree with the sentiment behind it. Sorry, but this article wasn’t even close to a legitimate attempt. It was at least as sexist to men as it was to women, by the way. Also, please look up the word “feminist” as you appear to be confused about its definition.
Hello angry little buffalo. Thanks for spending so much time and energy thinking about my writing
The idea that you could invoke cultural or sexual stereotypes to promote more respectful behavior is ludicrous, in this context. If you would only stop defending yourself and admit you may have offended a few people who are obviously offended, you would become a lot more credible (and sympathetic). But men always refuse to admit they’re wrong, don’t they? Mostly because they’re emotionally stunted. Probably a byproduct of thinking with their you-know-whats. Or just from always watching Internet porn and football, hanging out at strip clubs and golf courses, failing to change the toilet paper roll, and generally being told what to do by their girlfriends or wives in every particular — when they’re not beating on women and children, that is. Oh, and let’s not forget how homophobic they all are. Ha ha. Hilarious! That’s some cutting edge humor. And illuminating? Oprah’s got nothing on me. I’m just blessed to be doing the revolutionary work of fighting stereotypes… with stereotypes. Oh, and hey: You’re welcome.
The idea that you could invoke cultural or sexual stereotypes to promote more respectful behavior is ludicrous, in this context. If you would only stop defending yourself and admit you may have offended a few people who are obviously offended, you would become a lot more credible (and sympathetic). But men always refuse to admit they’re wrong, don’t they? Mostly because they’re emotionally stunted. Probably a byproduct of thinking with their you-know-whats. Or just from always watching Internet porn and football, hanging out at strip clubs and golf courses, failing to change the toilet paper roll, and generally being told what to do by their girlfriends or wives in every particular — when they’re not beating on women and children, that is. Oh, and let’s not forget how homophobic they all are. Ha ha. Hilarious! That’s some cutting edge humor. And illuminating? Oprah’s got nothing on me. I’m just blessed to be doing the revolutionary work of fighting stereotypes… with stereotypes. Oh, and hey: You’re welcome.
What a load of crap. Idiot.
What a load of crap. Idiot.
Sexist, badly written, irrelevant rubbish.
From nag to shag? Pathetic.
Thank you for taking the time to read and post a response