Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo

surfmadpig says on February 12th, 2008 at 9:56 am

Loved this post. It’s priceless to be reminded that there is no right way to do things – life, in this case.

T says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:24 am

All I can say is that you should be glad that you’re not a single woman over thirty. My friends wants to pair me with the strangest people and my gay friends try to convince me to become lesbian. And please don’t even mention my mother.

Like you say, happiness isn’t dependent on being part of a pair and I wish people would realise that.

thuy says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:32 am

I agree with you on the second point. My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for over seven years. We watched all of our friends around us get married, have kids, become disillusioned, and get divorced. We were together to enjoy each other’s company; there was no need to rush into something that could be hard to untangle later, but at every wedding we heard the “So when are you two going to get married?”

Sometimes it’s stressful to go into a relationship and play by your own rules, instead of by your friends’ conventions. Their expectations means you get into long conversations where they expect you to justify your decisions. In the end, we simply told them, “We’ve decided not to decide for a while.” Eventually they quit, assuming we were a ‘lost cause.’

And in the end, as long as you are satisfied with how you live your life, everyone else will learn to accept it too.

[Side note: now that we're sure and now that we've decided we want kids, we are going to take the leap.]

FSFunky says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:34 am

Someone’s rationalizing ;)

DP says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:45 am

It’s the comments like “you’ll find the love of your life too some day, I’m sure of it!” that I can do without…
Some people just don’t realize that it sounds so condencending. The worst part is that it kinda gets to me sometimes… But now I’ll have something to read for those moments, thanks Craig!

extreme webmaster says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:46 am

It’s not surprising that people react in that way when they meet someone who is single and in their late thirties or fourties. Since the majority of people are married, everything that doesn’t fit that mold is looked upon as weird and a little bit abnormal. Much like every minority is.

Humans are afraid of differences, especially those that are perceived as threatening to their way of life. Of course that the majority of those disparaging remarks will come from people who are not so satisfied with their own married life. They question you to convince themselves that they are ok, when in fact they aren’t. This is a display of insecurity.

But also, for centuries, marriage has been regarded as something not only natural, but obligatory and mandatory. Why? Because it made life easier and one had more chances of surviving and thriving in a family. Today’s way of life, with all the medical advances, possibilities of earning one own’s bread far more easily than before made it possible to be single. Before the industrial revolution the majority of people depended on farming mostly. And a farm couldn’t be managed by a single person. I knoe it, because my grandmother lived like that. Big family, work in the field all day long.

And this way of life is rooted deep in human psyche. Marriage has been the cornerstone of civilization for millenia. Despite the fact that there are a lot of unhappy marriages, affairs, domestic violence, etc. The masses don’t think.

That’s why one has to choose his/her friends wisely – the ones who will be open minded and acceptable to differences in their surroundings.

jason says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:53 am

Well, I think it boils down to outright envy! If they are paired for the sake of not being lonely and are miserable. Then you should be too right? ;)

Cory Huff says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:04 am

I did a paper in college that showed the cold hard fact that marriage improves the physical, mental, and emotional health for both sexes (men more than it does for women). Men’s life expectancy goes up by several years when they get married.

I think that problems with marriage lie less with those who rush in than with those who choose not to do the work. My wife and I were married quite young and had a difficult first two years. You would never guess that by the way our relationship is now. That’s because we did the work, read the books, improved our communication.

However, I agree with the sentiment of your blog – that people should not rush in. Make sure it’s a good fit…but remember that marriage is an age old institution for a reason.

Lina says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am

I absolutely loved this post. People seem to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I am not looking for children or marriage. Im glad to know I am not the only one.

holly says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:09 am

I recently horrified my friends when I told them that I wasn’t sure I wanted to have children. “What?! But you’d make such a great mother!” I was met with incredulity (”But you want children.”), and condolences on the sad demise of my short relationship with New Guy (”Oh, that’s a shame. Don’t worry. You’ll find The One.”).

What is especially frustrating to me these days is the preemptive marriage attack. Him: “I’m not really sure I’m the marrying kind.” Me: “OK. So, you did want to see the movie?”

I admit that I am a little claustrophobic. It has been a bit of a relief to date someone who isn’t looking to use me to fill a hole inside of them. I hate the idea of being the Missing Piece. Call me crazy, but I want a whole person, not a person missing a piece. The last guy I dated told me he was going to marry me 2 months into dating and dragged me to look at houses as he argued what to name our first of five children. Excuse me, I just have to use the EXIT.

It’s not a fear of commitment. It’s a fear of someone wanting me to do something for them I could not possibly do: complete them. I enjoy my life, and I’d like to meet someone that would basically make a good traveling partner. Period.

Joaquin says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:10 am

Thanks!! One of those “forwardable” posts. It is the perfect text complement for a wee cartoon I published yesterday (!) on my blog, regarding people marrying their idea of someone else. Love the coincidence. Cheers fellow singles.

Danny says on February 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pm

A very good post with very good comments. THIS is why I read blogs!

I’m a single 38 year old male and I’ve never even had what I’d consider a girl friend. I’m fully hetero but I just don’t feel like I’ve found what I need. If I’ve ever in my life had guy friends I spent a lot of time with then I was ‘gay’. My mom always laments she doesn’t have and maybe never will have a grand child. Hey, mom, that’s MY call…well…OUR call if their ever IS an ‘our’ to make that call.

I am a wierdo in a lot of ways. I choose not to be around people I’m not ‘in tune’ with if I can help it. Those people are just so far and few between. I don’t mind being alone but I’d love to be with someone because we are in tune and we feel ‘right’ together. I don’t mind being alone but it’d be nice to find that special one…a needle in a hundred haystacks.

With increasing population and technology making it possible to communicate with anyone at any time it bugs me to think there are so many of us that can’t seem to find a good fit. Everyone wants to be with someone but no one seems like they are willing to find out who you are. Being alone almost seems like you only option rather than fight the stereotypes and preconceptions of being single (alone). Dating web sites, chat rooms, email…all things meant to bring people together just don’t seem to help anything.

Maybe it’s we, the singles, who are blinded by stereotype and preconeption? We grew up on technology in a world where it’s getting harder and harder to TRUST people. Our relationships are being stymied before they even begin. Maybe we are just ‘wanting’ to be fine with being single because finding good people is like hacking your way through a jungle with a machete only to die of thirst in your search of a way out.

To quote the great Alanis Morissette…

“I don’t want to be your better half, I believe that one and one make two”.

I agree and apparently some of you see it too!

Come to think of it…I read blogs in my spare time…is that a problem?

D

Jeff Dempsey says on February 12th, 2008 at 12:40 pm

Great post, people that question your life choices are insecure in their own. Independence is key

gina says on February 12th, 2008 at 12:42 pm

I think after reading this, I’d like to marry you :)

Kalieris says on February 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm

Glad I’m not the only one. I was married once, it lasted 6 years, and it taught me that marriage to the right person for the right reasons is a wonderful thing. Wrong person or reasons, and it can be hellish, and unfortunately I made the wrong decision on both counts.

After I was divorced, I realized that I really like living alone, managing my own money, and arranging my life according to my own tastes and priorities. My current rule on dating is that being with the other person has to be more fun than being by myself (you’d possibly be surprised at how rarely that’s true).

Had to laugh when a commenter above talked about preemptive dating comments – I tend to be the one making them, although it’s usually “if you are ultimately looking to get married and have children, are allergic to cats, or expect your partner to convert to your religion, I am NOT the girl for you.”

Wendy says on February 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm

To echo an earlier comment – try being woman in her late 40’s-single, never married, never lived with a significant other and part of a faith-based community. Some assume I am odd (true, but who isn’t). Some assume I am in the closet (only looking for lost shoes). Some assume I have a secret life (if only that were true). Some think I chose this for religious reasons (not on your life). And worse…they have stopped trying to fix me up! When some one asks my why I have never married, I reply, “I didn’t realize that the last man to ask me was going to be the LAST man to ask me!” The truth is…I haven’t found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Simple.

When my mother died 10 years ago, I had her wedding band diamonds reset into a ring that I love. I happen to wear it on my “married” finger because I have another ring that I love that I wear on my other ring finger. With that, I instantly became less scary to clients, married men I do business with (and their wives), and credible in the business community. Yet, 100% of the married people I work with don’t seem smarter to me because they are married! Interesting cultural phenom.

Thanks for the post and for all you folks who wonder why someone isn’t married…never assume. It could be that we would surprise you with our joy, peace and pleasure at being single.

PS – I find that demographics that ask for married, unmarried or widowed are already biased toward marriage being normative! We are single, but not alone!

Hayden Tompkins says on February 12th, 2008 at 1:56 pm

Why are you equating being ‘non-married’ with singledom??

(Unless you actually are single!)

I commend that you are not willing to settle and DO feel that you don’t need to be married to be happy.

Now, about that tuna ice cream…

Jeff says on February 12th, 2008 at 2:31 pm

I was single until I turned 35 so I can relate. Single or married, we all have issues regardless. Anyone who says differently…is probably married!

Jolene says on February 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm

I loved reading this! I’m LOL about the nights at home with Enya and images of girlfriends on cushions. I’m 37, female and run my own successful business. While I always thought I would be married at this point in my life, I absolutely agree with Craig, “I won’t marry just for the sake of NOT being single.” I’ve watched many of my friends do that over the years, and while it may be an “easier” road of status quo, its not my road!

Great post, also glad to know about Craig’s writing and his blog link.

Caitlin says on February 12th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

For what it’s worth, getting married just means you have twice as many people on your case when it comes to babies. To grandmas, kids are like pokemon – gotta collect them all. I have one kid (a boy), and apparently it’s my duty to produce a little girl so the grandmas can buy pink frilly things. I can’t wait to be old enough for menopause to strike, so certain members of my family will stop praying for a “surprise” pregnancy.

I think some people just aren’t the marrying type, and others just haven’t met someone worth marrying. I think it’s better to be single than to be stuck with a person you don’t consider worth the time and effort of working out whatever problems might come up. I’ve had a few friends get divorced within a year because it was easier than trying to solve a problem in their relationship.

John of the Frozen Flood says on February 12th, 2008 at 3:41 pm

Heh. Try being 51 and living alone. People not only assume you’re weird, they think you’re unbalanced and dangerous, too, especially if you are computer-savvy. I was married for an aggregate of 14 years in 2 at-bats, and that cured me. I’m done having children, there’s nothing I couldn’t do legally married that I can’t take care of with a PoA, and I can decorate to MY tastes.
The lack of sex is a bit bothersome, tho…

KathyHowe says on February 12th, 2008 at 4:21 pm

BRAVO!

This was great to read!

I am what I call Single By Design and I prefer that people not mess with my design. People assume that I am lying about the fact that I am happy with my life. They also have assumed that I am either a closet lesbian or secretly dating a married man. Cuz I can’t REALLY be single yaknow.

Excellent, excellent post. I’m going to email it to everyone I know.

gaston monescu says on February 12th, 2008 at 5:00 pm

its definitely cultural. you have some interesting observations here.

looking at yourself and trying to figure out what ‘you’ really want… i mean, ‘you’ do what ‘you’ ask ‘you’ to do every day(go to work, etc…)so, what do ‘you’ get out of it? our cultural existence is very influenced by others perception of ourselves- its paramount

Evan says on February 12th, 2008 at 6:20 pm

Prendship (it’s a word – I invented it, so I should know).

It’s a word for a permanent relationship friendship.

Friendships are often longer lasting and sometimes even closer than marriage. We need a word to recognise this.

I think we should aim for lots of prendships.

Sam says on February 12th, 2008 at 6:49 pm

yet in todays society if your are married and then divorced you are more socially acceptable by most, weird double standard, huh?

Joaquin says on February 12th, 2008 at 6:55 pm

I agree: many people make marriage a goal in itself, thinking it will yield an outcome of life long happiness.
They marry an IDEA they have of a person.
Gotta love the coincidence. Just last night I posted a wee cartoon about this same subject on my blog.

Cheers fellow singles!

Craig Harper says on February 12th, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Hi Guys.
Thanks for the warm welcome to lifehack.org. You have a great site over here and I look forward to inspiring, motivating and possibly offending you (I have that gift) in the future.
Enjoy your day.

Live, Laugh, Love and Learn

Craig Harper.

Melissa Donovan says on February 12th, 2008 at 8:36 pm

It’s about time somebody said this. This disillusionment with marriage abounds over here in the U.S. too.

Frank says on February 12th, 2008 at 10:32 pm

Quick correction – it’s “versus” not “verses” :-)

Krys says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:51 pm

Great post! Although I’m only in my early 20’s, I’ve pretty much known my whole life that I have no desire to have kids. So I figure there’s no real need to rush into marriage – aside from the tax deductions – if I don’t plan on raising a family. People tell me “Oh, you’ll change your mind when that biological clock starts ticking!”, but really now, the biological clock starts ticking when you hit puberty, it’s the social pressures clock that gets people in the end. The whole idea of marriage has just become a trendy fad where the wedding day is more important than the relationship, and when you change your mind, you can get divorced in a heartbeat.
Now I’m not against marriage at all, of course people who love each other can get married and be happy, but the majority of people who get married aren’t doing it for the right reasons. Because really, if you’re in a long-term cohabiting relationship, you don’t need a piece of paper and fancy ceremony to prove to the world that you’ll be together forever.

Shari says on February 13th, 2008 at 12:22 am

I think that singledom would be easier to see the good points of if it weren’t mainly defined as a lack of the disadvantages of “coupledom”. Since there are a lot of advantages to being with someone, the best way to help people understand why you’re happy as you are is to help them see the advantages…and I don’t mean eating the last cookie, not being nagged, or sitting around in your dirty underwear.

Singledom is poorly defined and, if you want people to stop bugging you, define it in a positive fashion.

For me, being single allowed for more creative thinking as my energy was concentrated more internally. I also had more free time and could take better care of myself both in terms of exercise and nutrition. I also tended to act more impulsively and travel more. These are all advantages which have nothing to do with any perceived negatives of being married nor are they petty and selfish.

All that being said, I’ve been married now for nearly 19 years and I wouldn’t trade my life with my husband (who is absolutely perfect for me) for any of those advantages. However, I wouldn’t say that being married at any cost would have been in any way preferable.

Michael DeBusk says on February 13th, 2008 at 2:49 am

Bravo, Craig.

Greg says on February 13th, 2008 at 5:18 am

Great post, Craig.

Your third point (about compromising yourself) really spoke to me. I got married at 24 and it lasted about 9 years. By the end of it, I had compromised who I was to the point that I didn’t feel like I even existed. Then she told me she wanted a divorce because “I wasn’t the person she thought I was.”

Big surprise.

After she left, I took a year off from relationships completely so I could actually regain who I was. Until I was alone, I couldn’t hear my own voice. Now I know better than to let it be stifled.

Keep up the great writing. I’ll be looking forward to more from you.

AJ West says on February 13th, 2008 at 11:30 am

Inspiring post! My husband was 40 before we got hitched. He had determined he would be a bachelor forever, coming close to marriage a few times, but no getting married for the wrong reasons. I was engaged three times and walked away from each one for the exact reasons posted.

I determined I would rather be single forever than be trapped in a marriage I knew deep down would fail. My husband still likes his Enya, has strange eating habits, and has certain ways of doing things. I just smile and admire him for knowing who he is and realizing that just because he got married doesn’t mean he has to compromise who he is…however, the embroidered pillows with the exes had to go.

Jamie says on February 13th, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Lol hilarious! Great thoughts…I’m gonna show this post to my girlfriend…maybe I can get my ring back…

Jan D says on February 13th, 2008 at 7:59 pm

I was married for twenty years. Until I became ill, then he could not get away from me fast enough. Sad but true, as much as I would so like to have someone in my life, for the life I have left, it will not happen.
I use to think marriage was the be all and end of of life. Now I know better.

Eddy Buhler says on February 14th, 2008 at 5:33 am

@Cory Huff:

“Men’s life expectancy goes up by several years when they get married.”

To go with the flow here, I must state that many married men might see this as a con rather than a pro argument. ;-)

Steve says on February 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am

I just had to add my support too. I have been single for about 9 years now. I do want to have a relationship and eventually children. However I will only do that when the time, and the person, is just right. The older I get, the more I realise that I still have a lot of living for myself to do before I commit to someone else (and even more so, to caring for children). In the meantime I have learnt to love living alone, and I question how well I will be able to adjust when I do commit to someone else. Once you get over the initial loneliness, you learn to love your own company, and love yourself, ;-).

I do think that a large number of relationships are based on the idea that it is ‘better than being alone’ and is the ‘natural’ state. There are good reasons for this (as discussed) in terms of how we have evolved, but in a modern diverse society, it is disappointing to see so many, otherwise rational people, throw away possibilities for the sake of stability and convention. In a different time, or a different society, marriage is a requirement, more of a business agreement than anything, I understand this is how the Japanese traditionally saw marriage (see James Clavell).

However we have this crazy notion of true love, reinforced by Hollywood as well as every other artist out there. This contradicts the basis of what marriage is about. How can we be happily married to the one we are with if our soul-mate is still out there, waiting for us. I think many problems with society (increased depression etc. (See Oliver James -Britain on the Couch)) are created by the impossible ideals we have of success, love etc.

I agree with the author, people do not know how to handle this phenomenon of single-ness (sic), people give me strange looks, question my motives, presume latent homosexuality, and worse perversions (which can really hurt). My parents seem to understand now, but my grandparents just do not get it). I watch my friends jump from bad relationship to bad relationship, without pause for reflection, get hurt and abused, and then feel sorry for me!

Eric Berne wrote about Transactional Analysis (see What Do We Say When We Say Hello), he suggests that we need to come to terms with ourselves before we can commit to others, and many people use their partner to cover their own inadequacies and avoid their own issues. The Alanis Morrisette quote here is one of my favourites and sums his teaching very neatly.

It is always nice to have my own views vindicated, and to know there are others who agree with me. I have never questioned the concept that I should only have a relationship with someone I really love, and I thought this was the norm. As I got older I have realised just how mistaken I was.

Maybe a ‘marriage of convenience’ is the convention, and I can see how arranged marriages can actually be a very good idea, despite my initial revulsion. I think the important thing, as always, is not to lie to yourself. Get married, sure, just to feel secure, have kids, satisfy your family and peers. Just don’t try to kid yourself you love your partner when you really just love what they represent.

Last Valentine’s Day I remember reading that the western concept of romantic love was invented in the middle ages (no source, sorry). If that is so, what was the basis for marriage before then? Mostly mutual convenience I believe.

I’m 30, and by the sounds of the post, I have a lot more criticism and weird looks to get used to. I find it harder and harder to talk to people not on my wavelength, I do not have the patience anymore. What I do think though, is that I can decide whether I can spend the rest of my life with someone within a few minutes of meeting them, if the answer is no, why pursue it? It shouldn’t take a six month relationship to know your own mind. My last relationship lasted four years, at the start I was ready to marry her, for most of the rest of it I was coming to terms with the fact I no longer loved her, until I actually left her. What was so bad for me was how much of her life, and my own, I had wasted, by not admitting this at the start. I do not want to make this same mistake again. I am now much closer to knowing my own mind (although none of us ever truly will do this), and what I want. Maybe the next relationship I have will also be a mistake, but it won’t be the same mistake twice. If you don’t step back occasionally and re-evaluate, how can you learn from your mistakes. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to give love to someone else.

One last thing, although I could keep going, I Stumbled this the other day: http://www.singelringen.com, as I say, it is nice to know I am not alone in being alone :-).

I apologise for the length of this post, but this is a subject I feel strongly about, and I could probably keep going on and on…

Jan - queenofkaos says on February 14th, 2008 at 9:46 pm

Very nice article. Marriage is highly over rated. I think that the trick is to find yourself first. Then look at getting married if you wish. If it takes 40 years or more, what the heck!

The stakes are high.

Grace says on February 15th, 2008 at 2:09 pm

Bravo for a well written post. I have been widowed AND married, but, am currently single (technically divorced, but, that feels so negative to me….I’m NOT defined by a very bad decision – which was that marriage, not the divorce – and see myself as single rather than live in the shadow of a past decision). I have a very successful business, 3 kids, and am extremely content being single.

When I meet other moms (who are married) they automatically assume I’m “after their man”, I have no idea what the dads think. The other single women I meet or know seem to think there MUST be something wrong with me because I’m not dating (at least until they get to know me, then, eventually they either “get” it or we don’t maintain a friendship)…and even when I explain to them that I am content with life this way – PLUS I am WAY TOO busy to give my time and energy to someone else (so, dating wouldn’t be fair to the other person, now would it?).

My older kids seem terrified that I will grow older and die all alone.

ANYWAY, it’s wonderful to see someone writing on this – not from an apologetic viewpoint!

Thanks!

Shane Shennan says on February 15th, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Wow, thanks for writing this article! As a single 28-year-old guy, I have had similar responses about my singleness. In my mind, it is strange that some people are so eager to jump into relationships without much forethought. Some people are really, really scared of being alone! Sure, I fear it too, on the bad days, but fear is no reason to date or marry someone.

Win Nguyen says on February 16th, 2008 at 9:20 pm

Well, out of thousands posts from Lifehack.org and Lifehacker, this is the only time one post makes me wanna say something back :)
Seeing my friends getting into relationships while I’m still by myself, there are times when I wonder if there’s anything wrong. But I know deep down that when the right one comes, I’ll do whatever it takes to grab the chance.
What annoying is, my friend, who recently got a gf. And from that point onward, he started saying stuff like “come on man, go find a girl. They’re out there. Go get one” like he knows and he has it all. I thought that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And two weeks after they started, he came to me and said he just realized he is still in love with his ex-gf (from 10 years ago!). How pathetic!
Anyway, great post Craig. Congrats on being the first to strike me to open my mouth :D jk.
Thanks man. Keep up the good work and openness.
Cheers for the freedom of singles!

--Deb says on February 18th, 2008 at 11:36 am

I look around and see great marriages (like my parents’), good marriages (like my sister’s), and awful marriages (like my now-divorced best friend). I have nothing against marriage and am, in fact, all for the good ones. That whole supportive-partner, soul-mate thing certainly sounds appealing (how could it not?) But getting married for financial security or any of the other things that makes someone a good catch seems like such a throwback to the times when marriage was more or less required. I don’t require a husband. Would I object to one if the perfect-for-me man were to ring the doorbell right now? No, I’d be delighted, but I’m not sitting at the door waiting for him, either.

Oh, and I provided my parents with grand-dogs. Two adorable, bouncing baby Boykin Spaniels. They got the two-legged kind of grandkids from my sister, anyway.

Andrew M says on February 18th, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Interesting post, glad to have Stumbled onto it. So many people really are afraid to be alone, they just grab onto anyone they can. For all the wrong reasons.
There is nothing at all weird about being single at your age, of course I suppose that’s all relative.
This reminds me of another article I read not long ago… talking about how people in relationships use the term “I need you”. If you are in a relationship with someone because you really, truly need them to feel okay with yourself, then what happens when one day you realize you don’t “need” them anymore to feel good about yourself?
It’s better to be in a relationship because you recognize that you could be totally secure without them (You don’t NEED them to feel secure about your looks or your weight or your finances)…but you WANT them around for the rest of your life. Because you love them for who they are, not simply because they fill a hole for you.

Sangrail says on February 19th, 2008 at 8:48 pm

Hmmmmm…

I think there’s a difference between saying I *want* to be single or the converse, I don’t *want* to be married, and wanting to, but not having achieved it.

For the former, people will think you’re strange because you’re not conforming with their core values – just as if you’d said you don’t want to buy a house, or even have a home of your own, or a 9 to 5 job, etc etc.
But they won’t bug you as much about not having done it – they’ll just wonder *why* you’re different.

For the latter, people will think you’re strange, because well, if it is a goal for you, then *why* haven’t you achieved it?
It’s like that smart kid who’s been sitting in Uni for the last 7 years, not having competed one degree. What exactly is wrong with them that they haven’t managed to finish? Lack of focus, motivation, or some crucial inability, such as procrastination or self-sabotage?
If you’re a personal development speaker, then that goes doubly so – you’re speaking as someone who, theoretically, can achieve their goals and show others how to do it.
If marriage or non-singledom *is* a goal, and someone can’t achieve it in 20 odd years, then that usually indicates a personal failing or breakdown somewhere along the way (an easy cheat/copout to others – state that you were first category until just recently. This would imply you’ve ‘only’ been trying to achieve the goal recently).
The breakdown can be in meeting people – say people stuck in a very routine lifestyle where they don’t meet many people, or in social skills – not being able to build on initial contacts or recognise the people who would be suitable for them, but eventually it often comes to character traits such as perfectionism (has someone actually come across anyone they thought would be wonderful? If not, it’s the inability to meet/recognise people, or perfectionism), and inability to compromise. And as people get older, they tend to be less willing to compromise.

I very much agree with you on the point that many people are afraid to be alone, and people need to be comfortable with themselves first and foremost, but from the other side, many people fear relationships as leading to loss of identity, and cannot *distinguish* between healthy necessary compromise and subsuming themselves in someone else. Hopefully you can see there’s a difference.

Anyway, personally, I’ve been realising that I don’t want a relationship, that I’m actually far happier with an extended friends network, and as a bit of an introvert, I’d have difficulty maintaining a close romantic relationship AND a wider network of close friends, and I know what makes me happier. I don’t think I *need* to compromise, and I’m adjusting everyone around me to the idea that I may well be in-practice, single all my life, and that I may well not have children either.
On the other hand, if I happen to make a very close friend,with whom I’m sexually compatible, I’m open to the possibility – but I know what trade-offs I’m willing to make, and which I’m not.

And in the end, I think the best marriages are that – close friends who know they’ll be close friends for years and years, who have good conflict resolution between them (not necessarily not fighting, but putting in the effort to resolve it afterwards), with a splash of sexual compatibility.
Searching for ‘the one’ is, I feel, a flawed premise – to imply that another person could make up for every weakness, be everything you need, and that the smallest flaw on their part might mean that they’re *not* the one.
We’re social, tribal animals, and to cut off the tribe in favour of the ‘one’… makes us miserable.

Sander says on February 24th, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Haha, aweseome post. :-D
So spot on!

I’m a guy who just entered his thirties and I’m still single myself. I’ve not even had many serious relationships. And people always wonder about me too: “why not?”.

Some things in your article that stood out to me:

[Quote]
“He’s how old? And no woman? Must have a lot of issues.”
[Unquote]

Maybe those of us who are single at this age have no woman (or man, for the ladies) because we have so few issues. Maybe it’s because it’s so hard to find a quality woman (or man) with few issues her-/himself. Maybe you look at a lot of women (or men) and secretly think, “Nah… Nice but no thanks. Not good enough.”

[Quote]“There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me recently. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”[Unquote]

Indeed, being alone is “not normal”, because it’s not what the majority does. It’s “not normal” in this world of people who enter relationships and marriages because they’re so afraid to be alone.

Maybe solving one’s issues and becoming content with oneself, and looking first before you leap is what should become “normal”. ;-)

[Quote]A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response.[Unquote]

Haha, I had that same inclination: to laugh out loud. :-D

And I would too. My response these days would immediately be: “Maybe because I’m so evolved, there are increasingly fewer suitable soul-mates left. You don’t think I’m going to settle for anyone less than myself, do you?” Kind of arrogant perhaps, but the truth. Mine anyway.

The highly “evolved” are spread thin. Like the highly smart are.

And maybe because you’re so “evolved”, you’re capable of recognizing more easily with whom it might work and whom it would definately not work with. And hence, your options become scarce.

[Quote]
For some people it’s like…

“Yep, he/she ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money – check, good family – check, career – check, looks – check, marriage it is.”

“Er, yeah but I don’t really love him/her.”

“Stop being unrealistic, you’re thirty four. Stop being so fussy, you won’t do any better.”
[Unquote]

Keep on being fussy. Get the one you really want and the one who really wants you, not the best you can get or the one who answers “yes” to the most checkboxes. Ugh.

It takes a strong person to go against mainstream and stick to his (or her) ideals. It takes a strong person to resist temptation and go against what’s “normal”.

Maybe that’s exactly why we are still single. Maybe that’s exactly why “resisting temptation” is relatively easy: there’s no real temptation anymore. Maybe you’re strong enough to be content at being who you are. Maybe you’re strong enough not afraid to be alone. Maybe you’re strong enough to “wait” for the right one to come along, instead of settling for something out of fear of being left out.

Stay fussy. Stay strong, I’d say.

*thumbs up* :-)

Sander says on February 24th, 2008 at 2:08 pm

And I recognized a lot in Sangrail’s post above mine too. Wise words. Insightful. Much like is with me as well.

I schould have read all responses first; no I seem like a self-absorbed fool with my first one in comparion to his/hers… :P

Sander says on February 24th, 2008 at 2:11 pm

Ugh, spelling… “should” and “now” are intended instead of “schould” and “no”, of course…

*returns to the grind*

catherine says on February 26th, 2008 at 4:53 am

Loved this post. I’m 45 and just got engaged for the first time. I’ve never been married, never lived with, never had a proper long-term relationship (before this). There are loads of reasons why someone might be single in their 40s, all of them sound. The world would be a happier place if more of us did what is right for us rather than what is right for other people.

Shawn says on March 3rd, 2008 at 10:51 am

you forgot the hit list I’m in the same boat I’m 39 and single I’ve seen so many of my friends so unhappy with there marriage. But they still have to have a single friend at parties for me to meet and join them in marital bliss.
It’s always “she’s nice Great with kids has money Good Job I checked her out she’s just like me”….Great the hook up the party goes from fun with friends(who are all in on it) to an interview it truly sucks.

Dorin says on May 30th, 2008 at 7:46 am

Your genes will die with you. This kind of thinking is original, but it’s naturally dieing out from generation to generation. ;)

Need to make more babies! :D

Mom, hi!

Veronica says on July 24th, 2008 at 2:41 am

“…but remember that marriage is an age old institution for a reason.”

So is slavery. Does that make it right?

Oliver says on August 25th, 2008 at 8:54 am

You say you are an Australian bloke, then why do you talk about your Mom (American spelling)? Are you targeting and American audience?