One of the many interesting things about being a life-long, single male in his early forties is people’s reactions to that single-ness (yep, a word). Everyone has an opinion on it. Depending on the person’s thinking, it can place me anywhere on the scale from ‘complete social outcast’, to ‘coolest bloke on earth’ and ‘luckiest man alive’. And elicit responses ranging from pity and ridicule, to envy and admiration. Or in the case of my mother, complete devastation. My darling mom sees me essentially as a means to a grandchild and to be honest, I have been a bitter disappointment. Sure, she wants me happily married, but what she really wants is that kid. And yes, she lets me know it.
I love the mentality that says “single at that age, must be something wrong with him. Weirdo.”
Yep, had plenty of that.
“He’s how old? And no woman? Must have a lot of issues.”
“Poor thing.”
Interesting psychology that. Yet, very common.
What’s wrong with a little Enya?
It’s like they have a picture in their mind of me sitting at home every night in my underwear, in a room lit by candles, eating meatloaf flavored ice-cream from a paper plate, with my pet rat Eugene on my shoulder, my feet in one of those foot spas, a little ‘Enya’ playing in the background and some strategically placed cushions with images of my ex-girlfriends embroidered on them, lying around the room.
That’s okay right?
If I had said tuna flavored ice-cream, now that woulda been weird.
Waddya mean the cushion thing is creepy?
Oh well.
We all know that married people have no issues and that if, per chance, they do enter into their matrimonial journey with a few problems, the marriage ceremony will alleviate those instantly and forever. Great how that works isn’t it?
What people think about me being single doesn’t bother me at all, but it does interest me. For some bizarre reason, my single-ness is fascinating to some. I personally don’t think it’s interesting at all, but you would be shocked by the number of people who want to interrogate me regarding my ‘lack of wife’ status, in an attempt to discover what’s wrong with me. “There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me recently. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”
The marriage rule
Apparently, as a Personal Development speaker and writer I should be married. It’s a rule. People have suggested that my career would benefit from my extrication from the world of single-dom. Doesn’t really matter whether I’m happily married or not, as long as I’m married.
A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response. Her friend (in the same conversation) suggested that I was probably gay but didn’t know it, or want to admit it. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I’m not”, I shared. “You think you’re sure”, she said. “All the pretty girls you meet, and not one wife?” I didn’t realize ‘pretty’ was the determinant for a life partner. Missed that memo. Okay, note to self: if she’s hot, marry her. There’s my big mistake: stupidly, I’ve been looking beyond appearance. Weirdo.
Apparently, my single-ness is some kind of indicator of dysfunction. That’s it; I’m getting married this week. That’ll fix me.
Marriage issues
I would never have thought to write an article on this topic, but some people seem to be fascinated by the whole single verses married discussion and in my little world, the conversation seems regularly to be directed back towards me. Of course there is no wrong or right, only opinions, so that’s what I’m sharing. People often want to hear my thoughts on marriage because I’m single. Don’t know why. “Do you have marriage issues”, I got asked last week. No, I love the idea of marriage and maybe I will be happily married one day, but if I don’t get married, that’s cool too. What I do have a problem with is, marrying someone who I’m not desperately, hopelessly in love with; marriage for the sake of not being single – seen it a million times.
For some people it’s like…
“Yep, he/she ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money – check, good family – check, career – check, looks – check, marriage it is.”
“Er, yeah but I don’t really love him/her.”
“Stop being unrealistic, you’re thirty four. Stop being so fussy, you won’t do any better.”
Ticking enough boxes
Over the years I have had many people say to me, “Hmm, you’d be a good catch… you need to meet my sister/daughter/cousin/girlfriend!” And their reason for saying that I’m a ‘catch’ is not because of my values, personality, integrity or all-round fantastic-ness (a word), it’s because they see me as being moderately successful and financially secure. A safe bet.
I find that sad.
“Yes, he ticks enough boxes; put him on the list Sally.” To me, some people seem to be more in love with the ‘idea’ of marriage than the actual person they’re marrying or are married to. I see this as a catastrophe in waiting. It’s also apparent that some people are so petrified of being single, that finding their ‘soul mate’ gets compromised down to “is he or she breathing? Wouldn’t have been my first (or tenth) choice but hey, I have limited options, so giddy up cowboy(girl), get me that ring.”
I have had literally thousands of conversations over the last three hundred years (you know I’m immortal right?) with people who are miserable in their marriage, yet amazingly, do nothing to fix it, or change the situation. For many people, marriage is something to be endured, tolerated even and of course for others, it’s the best thing that will ever happen to them.
Okay, here are some random thoughts on the matter. Feel free to correct me or teach me a lesson – I am just a single Australian bloke…
- I am not against marriage in any way. Most of my friends are married and I know it can be an incredible part of the human experience. Given the opportunity with the right person, I would love to share my life with someone but, I’d rather be single forever, than married for the sake of it. And yep, I’ve been close a few times.
- I don’t believe that people need to be married to be fulfilled, functional, balanced or happy; those things are not dependent on marital status. You don’t need to be a researcher to discover that marriage doesn’t (automatically) equal happiness, just open your eyes. People seem to struggle with the thought of me being single and happy. They think I’m lying. It bothers them.
“You’re not really happy, you only think you are… you’re just trying to convince yourself.”
“Er, okay. I didn’t realize how miserable I am – thanks”.
- Some people are so terrified of being alone that they will compromise themselves to the point of actually losing their identity. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be..” You’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve been it. Misery and frustration is always the result. It’s important (for many reasons) that we learn to be comfortable and secure on our own before we launch into a life partnership.
- Too many people enter into marriage wearing those rose colored glasses, only to have them ripped off by about day three. They spend a year planning how to have a great wedding and zero time planning how to have a great marriage.
- People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation – not attractive.
- While I’m open to the idea of marriage, and I would love a little Craig or Craigette one day, I love my life right now and I gotta say, singledom… not as horrible as some would have you believe!!!
Okay, now that I’ve opened that can of worms, I’ll let you play with them. I’m off to finish my meatloaf ice-cream and revel in my dysfunction.
Hey, where’s Eugene gone?
Loved this post. It’s priceless to be reminded that there is no right way to do things – life, in this case.
All I can say is that you should be glad that you’re not a single woman over thirty. My friends wants to pair me with the strangest people and my gay friends try to convince me to become lesbian. And please don’t even mention my mother.
Like you say, happiness isn’t dependent on being part of a pair and I wish people would realise that.
I agree with you on the second point. My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for over seven years. We watched all of our friends around us get married, have kids, become disillusioned, and get divorced. We were together to enjoy each other’s company; there was no need to rush into something that could be hard to untangle later, but at every wedding we heard the “So when are you two going to get married?”
Sometimes it’s stressful to go into a relationship and play by your own rules, instead of by your friends’ conventions. Their expectations means you get into long conversations where they expect you to justify your decisions. In the end, we simply told them, “We’ve decided not to decide for a while.” Eventually they quit, assuming we were a ‘lost cause.’
And in the end, as long as you are satisfied with how you live your life, everyone else will learn to accept it too.
[Side note: now that we're sure and now that we've decided we want kids, we are going to take the leap.]
Someone’s rationalizing ;)
It’s the comments like “you’ll find the love of your life too some day, I’m sure of it!” that I can do without…
Some people just don’t realize that it sounds so condencending. The worst part is that it kinda gets to me sometimes… But now I’ll have something to read for those moments, thanks Craig!
It’s not surprising that people react in that way when they meet someone who is single and in their late thirties or fourties. Since the majority of people are married, everything that doesn’t fit that mold is looked upon as weird and a little bit abnormal. Much like every minority is.
Humans are afraid of differences, especially those that are perceived as threatening to their way of life. Of course that the majority of those disparaging remarks will come from people who are not so satisfied with their own married life. They question you to convince themselves that they are ok, when in fact they aren’t. This is a display of insecurity.
But also, for centuries, marriage has been regarded as something not only natural, but obligatory and mandatory. Why? Because it made life easier and one had more chances of surviving and thriving in a family. Today’s way of life, with all the medical advances, possibilities of earning one own’s bread far more easily than before made it possible to be single. Before the industrial revolution the majority of people depended on farming mostly. And a farm couldn’t be managed by a single person. I knoe it, because my grandmother lived like that. Big family, work in the field all day long.
And this way of life is rooted deep in human psyche. Marriage has been the cornerstone of civilization for millenia. Despite the fact that there are a lot of unhappy marriages, affairs, domestic violence, etc. The masses don’t think.
That’s why one has to choose his/her friends wisely – the ones who will be open minded and acceptable to differences in their surroundings.
Well, I think it boils down to outright envy! If they are paired for the sake of not being lonely and are miserable. Then you should be too right? ;)
I did a paper in college that showed the cold hard fact that marriage improves the physical, mental, and emotional health for both sexes (men more than it does for women). Men’s life expectancy goes up by several years when they get married.
I think that problems with marriage lie less with those who rush in than with those who choose not to do the work. My wife and I were married quite young and had a difficult first two years. You would never guess that by the way our relationship is now. That’s because we did the work, read the books, improved our communication.
However, I agree with the sentiment of your blog – that people should not rush in. Make sure it’s a good fit…but remember that marriage is an age old institution for a reason.
I absolutely loved this post. People seem to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I am not looking for children or marriage. Im glad to know I am not the only one.
I recently horrified my friends when I told them that I wasn’t sure I wanted to have children. “What?! But you’d make such a great mother!” I was met with incredulity (“But you want children.”), and condolences on the sad demise of my short relationship with New Guy (“Oh, that’s a shame. Don’t worry. You’ll find The One.”).
What is especially frustrating to me these days is the preemptive marriage attack. Him: “I’m not really sure I’m the marrying kind.” Me: “OK. So, you did want to see the movie?”
I admit that I am a little claustrophobic. It has been a bit of a relief to date someone who isn’t looking to use me to fill a hole inside of them. I hate the idea of being the Missing Piece. Call me crazy, but I want a whole person, not a person missing a piece. The last guy I dated told me he was going to marry me 2 months into dating and dragged me to look at houses as he argued what to name our first of five children. Excuse me, I just have to use the EXIT.
It’s not a fear of commitment. It’s a fear of someone wanting me to do something for them I could not possibly do: complete them. I enjoy my life, and I’d like to meet someone that would basically make a good traveling partner. Period.
Thanks!! One of those “forwardable” posts. It is the perfect text complement for a wee cartoon I published yesterday (!) on my blog, regarding people marrying their idea of someone else. Love the coincidence. Cheers fellow singles.
A very good post with very good comments. THIS is why I read blogs!
I’m a single 38 year old male and I’ve never even had what I’d consider a girl friend. I’m fully hetero but I just don’t feel like I’ve found what I need. If I’ve ever in my life had guy friends I spent a lot of time with then I was ‘gay’. My mom always laments she doesn’t have and maybe never will have a grand child. Hey, mom, that’s MY call…well…OUR call if their ever IS an ‘our’ to make that call.
I am a wierdo in a lot of ways. I choose not to be around people I’m not ‘in tune’ with if I can help it. Those people are just so far and few between. I don’t mind being alone but I’d love to be with someone because we are in tune and we feel ‘right’ together. I don’t mind being alone but it’d be nice to find that special one…a needle in a hundred haystacks.
With increasing population and technology making it possible to communicate with anyone at any time it bugs me to think there are so many of us that can’t seem to find a good fit. Everyone wants to be with someone but no one seems like they are willing to find out who you are. Being alone almost seems like you only option rather than fight the stereotypes and preconceptions of being single (alone). Dating web sites, chat rooms, email…all things meant to bring people together just don’t seem to help anything.
Maybe it’s we, the singles, who are blinded by stereotype and preconeption? We grew up on technology in a world where it’s getting harder and harder to TRUST people. Our relationships are being stymied before they even begin. Maybe we are just ‘wanting’ to be fine with being single because finding good people is like hacking your way through a jungle with a machete only to die of thirst in your search of a way out.
To quote the great Alanis Morissette…
“I don’t want to be your better half, I believe that one and one make two”.
I agree and apparently some of you see it too!
Come to think of it…I read blogs in my spare time…is that a problem?
D
Great post, people that question your life choices are insecure in their own. Independence is key
I think after reading this, I’d like to marry you :)
Glad I’m not the only one. I was married once, it lasted 6 years, and it taught me that marriage to the right person for the right reasons is a wonderful thing. Wrong person or reasons, and it can be hellish, and unfortunately I made the wrong decision on both counts.
After I was divorced, I realized that I really like living alone, managing my own money, and arranging my life according to my own tastes and priorities. My current rule on dating is that being with the other person has to be more fun than being by myself (you’d possibly be surprised at how rarely that’s true).
Had to laugh when a commenter above talked about preemptive dating comments – I tend to be the one making them, although it’s usually “if you are ultimately looking to get married and have children, are allergic to cats, or expect your partner to convert to your religion, I am NOT the girl for you.”
To echo an earlier comment – try being woman in her late 40′s-single, never married, never lived with a significant other and part of a faith-based community. Some assume I am odd (true, but who isn’t). Some assume I am in the closet (only looking for lost shoes). Some assume I have a secret life (if only that were true). Some think I chose this for religious reasons (not on your life). And worse…they have stopped trying to fix me up! When some one asks my why I have never married, I reply, “I didn’t realize that the last man to ask me was going to be the LAST man to ask me!” The truth is…I haven’t found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Simple.
When my mother died 10 years ago, I had her wedding band diamonds reset into a ring that I love. I happen to wear it on my “married” finger because I have another ring that I love that I wear on my other ring finger. With that, I instantly became less scary to clients, married men I do business with (and their wives), and credible in the business community. Yet, 100% of the married people I work with don’t seem smarter to me because they are married! Interesting cultural phenom.
Thanks for the post and for all you folks who wonder why someone isn’t married…never assume. It could be that we would surprise you with our joy, peace and pleasure at being single.
PS – I find that demographics that ask for married, unmarried or widowed are already biased toward marriage being normative! We are single, but not alone!
Why are you equating being ‘non-married’ with singledom??
(Unless you actually are single!)
I commend that you are not willing to settle and DO feel that you don’t need to be married to be happy.
Now, about that tuna ice cream…
[...] post by xxx10 My tomcats do prevent me from to obtain cable?Propaganda is more vintage from the the videoyego [...]
I was single until I turned 35 so I can relate. Single or married, we all have issues regardless. Anyone who says differently…is probably married!
I loved reading this! I’m LOL about the nights at home with Enya and images of girlfriends on cushions. I’m 37, female and run my own successful business. While I always thought I would be married at this point in my life, I absolutely agree with Craig, “I won’t marry just for the sake of NOT being single.” I’ve watched many of my friends do that over the years, and while it may be an “easier” road of status quo, its not my road!
Great post, also glad to know about Craig’s writing and his blog link.
For what it’s worth, getting married just means you have twice as many people on your case when it comes to babies. To grandmas, kids are like pokemon – gotta collect them all. I have one kid (a boy), and apparently it’s my duty to produce a little girl so the grandmas can buy pink frilly things. I can’t wait to be old enough for menopause to strike, so certain members of my family will stop praying for a “surprise” pregnancy.
I think some people just aren’t the marrying type, and others just haven’t met someone worth marrying. I think it’s better to be single than to be stuck with a person you don’t consider worth the time and effort of working out whatever problems might come up. I’ve had a few friends get divorced within a year because it was easier than trying to solve a problem in their relationship.
Heh. Try being 51 and living alone. People not only assume you’re weird, they think you’re unbalanced and dangerous, too, especially if you are computer-savvy. I was married for an aggregate of 14 years in 2 at-bats, and that cured me. I’m done having children, there’s nothing I couldn’t do legally married that I can’t take care of with a PoA, and I can decorate to MY tastes.
The lack of sex is a bit bothersome, tho…
BRAVO!
This was great to read!
I am what I call Single By Design and I prefer that people not mess with my design. People assume that I am lying about the fact that I am happy with my life. They also have assumed that I am either a closet lesbian or secretly dating a married man. Cuz I can’t REALLY be single yaknow.
Excellent, excellent post. I’m going to email it to everyone I know.
its definitely cultural. you have some interesting observations here.
looking at yourself and trying to figure out what ‘you’ really want… i mean, ‘you’ do what ‘you’ ask ‘you’ to do every day(go to work, etc…)so, what do ‘you’ get out of it? our cultural existence is very influenced by others perception of ourselves- its paramount
Prendship (it’s a word – I invented it, so I should know).
It’s a word for a permanent relationship friendship.
Friendships are often longer lasting and sometimes even closer than marriage. We need a word to recognise this.
I think we should aim for lots of prendships.
yet in todays society if your are married and then divorced you are more socially acceptable by most, weird double standard, huh?
I agree: many people make marriage a goal in itself, thinking it will yield an outcome of life long happiness.
They marry an IDEA they have of a person.
Gotta love the coincidence. Just last night I posted a wee cartoon about this same subject on my blog.
Cheers fellow singles!
Hi Guys.
Thanks for the warm welcome to lifehack.org. You have a great site over here and I look forward to inspiring, motivating and possibly offending you (I have that gift) in the future.
Enjoy your day.
Live, Laugh, Love and Learn
Craig Harper.
It’s about time somebody said this. This disillusionment with marriage abounds over here in the U.S. too.
Quick correction – it’s “versus” not “verses” :-)
Great post! Although I’m only in my early 20′s, I’ve pretty much known my whole life that I have no desire to have kids. So I figure there’s no real need to rush into marriage – aside from the tax deductions – if I don’t plan on raising a family. People tell me “Oh, you’ll change your mind when that biological clock starts ticking!”, but really now, the biological clock starts ticking when you hit puberty, it’s the social pressures clock that gets people in the end. The whole idea of marriage has just become a trendy fad where the wedding day is more important than the relationship, and when you change your mind, you can get divorced in a heartbeat.
Now I’m not against marriage at all, of course people who love each other can get married and be happy, but the majority of people who get married aren’t doing it for the right reasons. Because really, if you’re in a long-term cohabiting relationship, you don’t need a piece of paper and fancy ceremony to prove to the world that you’ll be together forever.
I think that singledom would be easier to see the good points of if it weren’t mainly defined as a lack of the disadvantages of “coupledom”. Since there are a lot of advantages to being with someone, the best way to help people understand why you’re happy as you are is to help them see the advantages…and I don’t mean eating the last cookie, not being nagged, or sitting around in your dirty underwear.
Singledom is poorly defined and, if you want people to stop bugging you, define it in a positive fashion.
For me, being single allowed for more creative thinking as my energy was concentrated more internally. I also had more free time and could take better care of myself both in terms of exercise and nutrition. I also tended to act more impulsively and travel more. These are all advantages which have nothing to do with any perceived negatives of being married nor are they petty and selfish.
All that being said, I’ve been married now for nearly 19 years and I wouldn’t trade my life with my husband (who is absolutely perfect for me) for any of those advantages. However, I wouldn’t say that being married at any cost would have been in any way preferable.
Bravo, Craig.
Great post, Craig.
Your third point (about compromising yourself) really spoke to me. I got married at 24 and it lasted about 9 years. By the end of it, I had compromised who I was to the point that I didn’t feel like I even existed. Then she told me she wanted a divorce because “I wasn’t the person she thought I was.”
Big surprise.
After she left, I took a year off from relationships completely so I could actually regain who I was. Until I was alone, I couldn’t hear my own voice. Now I know better than to let it be stifled.
Keep up the great writing. I’ll be looking forward to more from you.
Inspiring post! My husband was 40 before we got hitched. He had determined he would be a bachelor forever, coming close to marriage a few times, but no getting married for the wrong reasons. I was engaged three times and walked away from each one for the exact reasons posted.
I determined I would rather be single forever than be trapped in a marriage I knew deep down would fail. My husband still likes his Enya, has strange eating habits, and has certain ways of doing things. I just smile and admire him for knowing who he is and realizing that just because he got married doesn’t mean he has to compromise who he is…however, the embroidered pillows with the exes had to go.
[...] an excellent post at Lifehack.org by Craig Harper on the subject of being single, just in time for Valentine’s [...]
Lol hilarious! Great thoughts…I’m gonna show this post to my girlfriend…maybe I can get my ring back…
I was married for twenty years. Until I became ill, then he could not get away from me fast enough. Sad but true, as much as I would so like to have someone in my life, for the life I have left, it will not happen.
I use to think marriage was the be all and end of of life. Now I know better.
@Cory Huff:
“Men’s life expectancy goes up by several years when they get married.”
To go with the flow here, I must state that many married men might see this as a con rather than a pro argument. ;-)
I just had to add my support too. I have been single for about 9 years now. I do want to have a relationship and eventually children. However I will only do that when the time, and the person, is just right. The older I get, the more I realise that I still have a lot of living for myself to do before I commit to someone else (and even more so, to caring for children). In the meantime I have learnt to love living alone, and I question how well I will be able to adjust when I do commit to someone else. Once you get over the initial loneliness, you learn to love your own company, and love yourself, ;-).
I do think that a large number of relationships are based on the idea that it is ‘better than being alone’ and is the ‘natural’ state. There are good reasons for this (as discussed) in terms of how we have evolved, but in a modern diverse society, it is disappointing to see so many, otherwise rational people, throw away possibilities for the sake of stability and convention. In a different time, or a different society, marriage is a requirement, more of a business agreement than anything, I understand this is how the Japanese traditionally saw marriage (see James Clavell).
However we have this crazy notion of true love, reinforced by Hollywood as well as every other artist out there. This contradicts the basis of what marriage is about. How can we be happily married to the one we are with if our soul-mate is still out there, waiting for us. I think many problems with society (increased depression etc. (See Oliver James -Britain on the Couch)) are created by the impossible ideals we have of success, love etc.
I agree with the author, people do not know how to handle this phenomenon of single-ness (sic), people give me strange looks, question my motives, presume latent homosexuality, and worse perversions (which can really hurt). My parents seem to understand now, but my grandparents just do not get it). I watch my friends jump from bad relationship to bad relationship, without pause for reflection, get hurt and abused, and then feel sorry for me!
Eric Berne wrote about Transactional Analysis (see What Do We Say When We Say Hello), he suggests that we need to come to terms with ourselves before we can commit to others, and many people use their partner to cover their own inadequacies and avoid their own issues. The Alanis Morrisette quote here is one of my favourites and sums his teaching very neatly.
It is always nice to have my own views vindicated, and to know there are others who agree with me. I have never questioned the concept that I should only have a relationship with someone I really love, and I thought this was the norm. As I got older I have realised just how mistaken I was.
Maybe a ‘marriage of convenience’ is the convention, and I can see how arranged marriages can actually be a very good idea, despite my initial revulsion. I think the important thing, as always, is not to lie to yourself. Get married, sure, just to feel secure, have kids, satisfy your family and peers. Just don’t try to kid yourself you love your partner when you really just love what they represent.
Last Valentine’s Day I remember reading that the western concept of romantic love was invented in the middle ages (no source, sorry). If that is so, what was the basis for marriage before then? Mostly mutual convenience I believe.
I’m 30, and by the sounds of the post, I have a lot more criticism and weird looks to get used to. I find it harder and harder to talk to people not on my wavelength, I do not have the patience anymore. What I do think though, is that I can decide whether I can spend the rest of my life with someone within a few minutes of meeting them, if the answer is no, why pursue it? It shouldn’t take a six month relationship to know your own mind. My last relationship lasted four years, at the start I was ready to marry her, for most of the rest of it I was coming to terms with the fact I no longer loved her, until I actually left her. What was so bad for me was how much of her life, and my own, I had wasted, by not admitting this at the start. I do not want to make this same mistake again. I am now much closer to knowing my own mind (although none of us ever truly will do this), and what I want. Maybe the next relationship I have will also be a mistake, but it won’t be the same mistake twice. If you don’t step back occasionally and re-evaluate, how can you learn from your mistakes. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect to give love to someone else.
One last thing, although I could keep going, I Stumbled this the other day: http://www.singelringen.com, as I say, it is nice to know I am not alone in being alone :-).
I apologise for the length of this post, but this is a subject I feel strongly about, and I could probably keep going on and on…
[...] found this buried in the comments of THIS post on being single. Here’s the [...]
Very nice article. Marriage is highly over rated. I think that the trick is to find yourself first. Then look at getting married if you wish. If it takes 40 years or more, what the heck!
The stakes are high.
[...] Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo, Craig Harper talks about how everyone reacts to his being single in his early 40s. It’s [...]
Bravo for a well written post. I have been widowed AND married, but, am currently single (technically divorced, but, that feels so negative to me….I’m NOT defined by a very bad decision – which was that marriage, not the divorce – and see myself as single rather than live in the shadow of a past decision). I have a very successful business, 3 kids, and am extremely content being single.
When I meet other moms (who are married) they automatically assume I’m “after their man”, I have no idea what the dads think. The other single women I meet or know seem to think there MUST be something wrong with me because I’m not dating (at least until they get to know me, then, eventually they either “get” it or we don’t maintain a friendship)…and even when I explain to them that I am content with life this way – PLUS I am WAY TOO busy to give my time and energy to someone else (so, dating wouldn’t be fair to the other person, now would it?).
My older kids seem terrified that I will grow older and die all alone.
ANYWAY, it’s wonderful to see someone writing on this – not from an apologetic viewpoint!
Thanks!
Wow, thanks for writing this article! As a single 28-year-old guy, I have had similar responses about my singleness. In my mind, it is strange that some people are so eager to jump into relationships without much forethought. Some people are really, really scared of being alone! Sure, I fear it too, on the bad days, but fear is no reason to date or marry someone.
Well, out of thousands posts from Lifehack.org and Lifehacker, this is the only time one post makes me wanna say something back :)
Seeing my friends getting into relationships while I’m still by myself, there are times when I wonder if there’s anything wrong. But I know deep down that when the right one comes, I’ll do whatever it takes to grab the chance.
What annoying is, my friend, who recently got a gf. And from that point onward, he started saying stuff like “come on man, go find a girl. They’re out there. Go get one” like he knows and he has it all. I thought that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And two weeks after they started, he came to me and said he just realized he is still in love with his ex-gf (from 10 years ago!). How pathetic!
Anyway, great post Craig. Congrats on being the first to strike me to open my mouth :D jk.
Thanks man. Keep up the good work and openness.
Cheers for the freedom of singles!
[...] was Singles’ Awareness Day. For a good read on the subject of singleness, check out “Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo” over at [...]
I look around and see great marriages (like my parents’), good marriages (like my sister’s), and awful marriages (like my now-divorced best friend). I have nothing against marriage and am, in fact, all for the good ones. That whole supportive-partner, soul-mate thing certainly sounds appealing (how could it not?) But getting married for financial security or any of the other things that makes someone a good catch seems like such a throwback to the times when marriage was more or less required. I don’t require a husband. Would I object to one if the perfect-for-me man were to ring the doorbell right now? No, I’d be delighted, but I’m not sitting at the door waiting for him, either.
Oh, and I provided my parents with grand-dogs. Two adorable, bouncing baby Boykin Spaniels. They got the two-legged kind of grandkids from my sister, anyway.
Interesting post, glad to have Stumbled onto it. So many people really are afraid to be alone, they just grab onto anyone they can. For all the wrong reasons.
There is nothing at all weird about being single at your age, of course I suppose that’s all relative.
This reminds me of another article I read not long ago… talking about how people in relationships use the term “I need you”. If you are in a relationship with someone because you really, truly need them to feel okay with yourself, then what happens when one day you realize you don’t “need” them anymore to feel good about yourself?
It’s better to be in a relationship because you recognize that you could be totally secure without them (You don’t NEED them to feel secure about your looks or your weight or your finances)…but you WANT them around for the rest of your life. Because you love them for who they are, not simply because they fill a hole for you.
Hmmmmm…
I think there’s a difference between saying I *want* to be single or the converse, I don’t *want* to be married, and wanting to, but not having achieved it.
For the former, people will think you’re strange because you’re not conforming with their core values – just as if you’d said you don’t want to buy a house, or even have a home of your own, or a 9 to 5 job, etc etc.
But they won’t bug you as much about not having done it – they’ll just wonder *why* you’re different.
For the latter, people will think you’re strange, because well, if it is a goal for you, then *why* haven’t you achieved it?
It’s like that smart kid who’s been sitting in Uni for the last 7 years, not having competed one degree. What exactly is wrong with them that they haven’t managed to finish? Lack of focus, motivation, or some crucial inability, such as procrastination or self-sabotage?
If you’re a personal development speaker, then that goes doubly so – you’re speaking as someone who, theoretically, can achieve their goals and show others how to do it.
If marriage or non-singledom *is* a goal, and someone can’t achieve it in 20 odd years, then that usually indicates a personal failing or breakdown somewhere along the way (an easy cheat/copout to others – state that you were first category until just recently. This would imply you’ve ‘only’ been trying to achieve the goal recently).
The breakdown can be in meeting people – say people stuck in a very routine lifestyle where they don’t meet many people, or in social skills – not being able to build on initial contacts or recognise the people who would be suitable for them, but eventually it often comes to character traits such as perfectionism (has someone actually come across anyone they thought would be wonderful? If not, it’s the inability to meet/recognise people, or perfectionism), and inability to compromise. And as people get older, they tend to be less willing to compromise.
I very much agree with you on the point that many people are afraid to be alone, and people need to be comfortable with themselves first and foremost, but from the other side, many people fear relationships as leading to loss of identity, and cannot *distinguish* between healthy necessary compromise and subsuming themselves in someone else. Hopefully you can see there’s a difference.
Anyway, personally, I’ve been realising that I don’t want a relationship, that I’m actually far happier with an extended friends network, and as a bit of an introvert, I’d have difficulty maintaining a close romantic relationship AND a wider network of close friends, and I know what makes me happier. I don’t think I *need* to compromise, and I’m adjusting everyone around me to the idea that I may well be in-practice, single all my life, and that I may well not have children either.
On the other hand, if I happen to make a very close friend,with whom I’m sexually compatible, I’m open to the possibility – but I know what trade-offs I’m willing to make, and which I’m not.
And in the end, I think the best marriages are that – close friends who know they’ll be close friends for years and years, who have good conflict resolution between them (not necessarily not fighting, but putting in the effort to resolve it afterwards), with a splash of sexual compatibility.
Searching for ‘the one’ is, I feel, a flawed premise – to imply that another person could make up for every weakness, be everything you need, and that the smallest flaw on their part might mean that they’re *not* the one.
We’re social, tribal animals, and to cut off the tribe in favour of the ‘one’… makes us miserable.
[...] is inspired by Craig Harper, on his article, Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo. Here’s what he mentioned about your single time now… People who have that sense of [...]
Haha, aweseome post. :-D
So spot on!
I’m a guy who just entered his thirties and I’m still single myself. I’ve not even had many serious relationships. And people always wonder about me too: “why not?”.
Some things in your article that stood out to me:
[Quote]
“He’s how old? And no woman? Must have a lot of issues.”
[Unquote]
Maybe those of us who are single at this age have no woman (or man, for the ladies) because we have so few issues. Maybe it’s because it’s so hard to find a quality woman (or man) with few issues her-/himself. Maybe you look at a lot of women (or men) and secretly think, “Nah… Nice but no thanks. Not good enough.”
[Quote]“There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me recently. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”[Unquote]
Indeed, being alone is “not normal”, because it’s not what the majority does. It’s “not normal” in this world of people who enter relationships and marriages because they’re so afraid to be alone.
Maybe solving one’s issues and becoming content with oneself, and looking first before you leap is what should become “normal”. ;-)
[Quote]A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response.[Unquote]
Haha, I had that same inclination: to laugh out loud. :-D
And I would too. My response these days would immediately be: “Maybe because I’m so evolved, there are increasingly fewer suitable soul-mates left. You don’t think I’m going to settle for anyone less than myself, do you?” Kind of arrogant perhaps, but the truth. Mine anyway.
The highly “evolved” are spread thin. Like the highly smart are.
And maybe because you’re so “evolved”, you’re capable of recognizing more easily with whom it might work and whom it would definately not work with. And hence, your options become scarce.
[Quote]
For some people it’s like…
“Yep, he/she ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money – check, good family – check, career – check, looks – check, marriage it is.”
“Er, yeah but I don’t really love him/her.”
“Stop being unrealistic, you’re thirty four. Stop being so fussy, you won’t do any better.”
[Unquote]
Keep on being fussy. Get the one you really want and the one who really wants you, not the best you can get or the one who answers “yes” to the most checkboxes. Ugh.
It takes a strong person to go against mainstream and stick to his (or her) ideals. It takes a strong person to resist temptation and go against what’s “normal”.
Maybe that’s exactly why we are still single. Maybe that’s exactly why “resisting temptation” is relatively easy: there’s no real temptation anymore. Maybe you’re strong enough to be content at being who you are. Maybe you’re strong enough not afraid to be alone. Maybe you’re strong enough to “wait” for the right one to come along, instead of settling for something out of fear of being left out.
Stay fussy. Stay strong, I’d say.
*thumbs up* :-)
And I recognized a lot in Sangrail’s post above mine too. Wise words. Insightful. Much like is with me as well.
I schould have read all responses first; no I seem like a self-absorbed fool with my first one in comparion to his/hers… :P
Ugh, spelling… “should” and “now” are intended instead of “schould” and “no”, of course…
*returns to the grind*
Loved this post. I’m 45 and just got engaged for the first time. I’ve never been married, never lived with, never had a proper long-term relationship (before this). There are loads of reasons why someone might be single in their 40s, all of them sound. The world would be a happier place if more of us did what is right for us rather than what is right for other people.
[...] a very attractive person, as what I have shared with you, a quote from Craig Harper on his article, Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo… People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss [...]
you forgot the hit list I’m in the same boat I’m 39 and single I’ve seen so many of my friends so unhappy with there marriage. But they still have to have a single friend at parties for me to meet and join them in marital bliss.
It’s always “she’s nice Great with kids has money Good Job I checked her out she’s just like me”….Great the hook up the party goes from fun with friends(who are all in on it) to an interview it truly sucks.
[...] Exploring Relationship with a Single Weirdo – Here’s another article on Lifehack by Craig Harper. Considering that I’m a 22+ and still single, I think I’ll make the perfect ‘weirdo’. But hey, I don’t mind the label. [...]
[...] the pile. The end result is that I have to go back and do a bit of shoveling. Today’s item is Exploring Relationships with the Single Weirdo. digg_url=”http://havecoffeewillwrite.com/?p=6988″; digg_skin = [...]
[...] All likeable people behave in certain ways. They literally have a “magnetic” personality drawing others to them. The advantages of being likeable are numerous, including higher grades and income, self-esteem, better health, longer life and happiness and well-being. Here are the five tricks you or your child can do today to increase likeability. [...]
[...] Read more… [...]
Your genes will die with you. This kind of thinking is original, but it’s naturally dieing out from generation to generation. ;)
Need to make more babies! :D
Mom, hi!
“…but remember that marriage is an age old institution for a reason.”
So is slavery. Does that make it right?
You say you are an Australian bloke, then why do you talk about your Mom (American spelling)? Are you targeting and American audience?
you seem to suggest that the fear of being alone is something pitiful. i think it exist in all of us and denying it is merely a self-protection. noone wants to be alone when old, having to pay other people for care because they don’t have anyone around who would care to do it out of love. i am not suggesting the relationship for the sake of having someone (anyone!) to nurse you when you’re old, but i very much dislike your derogatory attitude to some of the human needs. as if some were “better” than others.you’re searching for someone compatible with you on a level of some needs (like admiring your personality, distinctiveness, etc.), others search for someone compatible on a level of other needs. maybe those fearful ones will find someone that has similar needs and what is so wrong with this? pitiful. i think it exist in all of us and denying it is merely a self-protection. noone wants to be alone when old, having to pay other people for care because they don’t have anyone around who would care to do it out of love. i am not suggesting the relationship for the sake of having someone (anyone!) to nurse you when you’re old, but i very much dislike your derogatory attitude to some of the human needs. as if some were “better” than others.you’re searching for someone compatible with you on a level of some needs (like admiring your personality, distinctiveness, etc.), others search for someone compatible on a level of other needs. maybe those fearful ones will find someone that has similar needs and what is so wrong with this?
I strongly relate to this story and thanks Eugene for posting it. Life is what you make of it. You can be single and happy, single and miserable, married and happy or married and miserable.
I am 32 and single and my parents have been gently pushing me to get married (they already have 3 grandchildren from my two brothers, why do they need more specifically from me?). I am torn apart by the concept of relationships and marriage. On the one hand, I find marriage to be the most beautiful thing where two people spend the rest of their lives together. But on the other hand, I totally hate it for being the most judgmental institution on the planet. People get married for the most trivial reasons (he’s hot, she’s hot, he’s rich, etc.) and people get chucked and rejected also for the most trivial reasons (too small, too short, too fat, too ugly, too poor, wrong religious affiliation, etc.). As a result, dating becomes so complicating with all the do’s and don’ts and instead of just being myself in front of the girl, I end up pretending to be someone else I’m not.
Just like everyone else, I also crave companionship, but as the years go by, I have come to value a close friendship infinitely more than a close relationship. Relationships contain too much drama for the simple-minded man like me. The amount of advice I get on what I should wear, etc. before I have my first date with someone is enough to put me off dating altogether. It genuinely is too much work for a marriage which statistically will result in divorce 50% of the time.
For most people the single life is harder. For some it is impossible.Marriage just has more drama.
The world needs more truly single people.
For most people the single life is harder. For some it is impossible. Marriage just has more drama. The world needs more truly single people.
Very interesting post. I was single until 35 myself and I had the exact same beliefs as you. I loved my single life until about 32. After that, I decided that I needed to at least try marrying someone who came somewhat close to my ideal and see if that worked out.
Boy, was I missing out! The woman I married, who when we were dating seemed okay but not optimal, turned out to be a wonderful person. I could actually feel areas in my brain activating for the first time (surge of sensation and peace) which makes me believe it helped me grow into my full self and live the human experience to its full extent. I feel like I deprived myself of life’s experience for 10 odd years by constantly being on the lookout for the perfect One. When someone I considered imperfect turned out to be the perfect one for me. Not to say we don’t have our ups and downs, our quarrels and periods of sadness but I wouldn’t trade this for the single life which while possibly pleasant and even, doesn’t come close to the life I have now.
There are comments here by people who consider themselves better off because their friends are having relationships and break-ups in short order. But it’s quite possible they’re living life the way it was meant to be lived. Not being correct all the time, but making mistakes in order to experience life and live fully.
I happened upon this blog when searching for info on Enya (any upcoming tours? etc). Ironic (is that the right word?) That you use her name in that silly little single-man description as she is also on the singledom path.
Anyway, just wanted to say I found this post interesting and appreciated hearing a new perspective on socially standard customs. I am married myself (one of those so afraid to live alone types and so certain no one would want me that I compromised with the first that did. . .but hey, that was my choice). However, I am in the never-want-kids group instead. It’s assumed that if i am married I will have kids. People don’t ask me, “so, are you having kids?” They say, “When you have kids. . . .” as if its an unavoidable truth that children go along with marriage. And just like single at 40+, saying I don’t want children places me in the need-therapy group, (apparently). “Oh, you will change your mind.” “So, you hate children?! What kind of woman are you?” Not wanting my own means I hate them? I don’t want a pet whale either, but no one will think that’s because I hate whales. geez.