Carnage in the Toy Store
This morning I went to a local shopping centre (mall) to buy a birthday present for my two year-old pseudo-niece (my business partner’s daughter. Happy Birthday little Jessie!) It proved to be quite the eye-opening experience for the childless (and somewhat clueless) alpha-male. While the shopping part of the trip turned out to be something of an enjoyable adventure for Yours Truly (who knew toy stores could be such fun?), the same couldn’t be said for the six (or so) year-old who was test driving trucks in the next aisle. As the excited young truck driver lifted the object of his desire above his head to show the Chief Financial Officer what he needed for his next birthday, his chubby little fingers somehow lost their grip and the rather-costly toy (over a hundred bucks) came crashing down on to the concrete floor, transforming it instantly into a jigsaw puzzle. Which, of course, is a euphemism for… an expensive pile of crap.
For a nanosecond there was silence.
I knew it wouldn’t last. I looked at the little boy. I saw terror. I looked at the mother. I saw wild rage. I felt a bit nervous for the little fella. I think I had some kind of deja vu moment. Sympathy pains. Or something.
For a moment I thought she might actually kill him with what remained of the truck. Simultaneously it started: his crying and her screaming. For what seemed like an eternity, the mother bellowed at the distraught child. Oblivious to her own disgraceful behaviour, the out-of-control woman ranted and raved like a lunatic.
If not for the ever-growing audience, I am sure she would have hit the boy. Leaving the broken toy on the floor, the woman dragged the screaming child out of the store and left us spectators stunned. I said something to the shop assistant who informed me that such scenes are a regular occurrence in the store.
Life: A Never-Ending Series of Reactions
In many ways, our lives are a series of reactions. It’s unavoidable. And while we do our best to create our own destiny and to live proactive and productive lives, the reality is that we all live in a dynamic and unpredictable world. Reacting is a fundamental and necessary part of the human experience. It’s a required skill. It’s what we do hundreds of times a day. Consciously or not. Positively or negatively.
We hear the weather forecast, we react. The guy in the Mazda hits his brakes, we react. Our partner says something, we react. Our child spills milk, we react. The boss walks in, we react. We hear good or bad news, we react. One way or the other. Somebody lets us down, we react. The lights change, we react. Somebody gives us feedback, we react. A song comes on the radio, we react. An opportunity presents itself, we react. We’re confronted with a challenge, we react.
Today you will react hundreds of times and many of those reactions will happen on auto-pilot. Some reactions will be incidental and for the most part, meaningless (scratching an itch, stepping over a puddle, swaying to some music). Some will impact on others (reacting to the woman who cuts you off in the car park). Some will affect your personal relationships (an argument with a friend). Some will be life-impacting (dealing with a tragedy). Some will create positive outcomes. Some negative. One reaction could even involve a child who has accidentally broken a toy.
In reacting the way she did in the toy store, the mother created numerous (undesirable and unnecessary) outcomes. She:
- Terrified a child that (I assume) she loves.
- Humiliated him (by dragging him through the store by his shirt).
- Taught him that mistakes are not okay.
- Drew unnecessary attention to herself and made everyone within fifty feet feel uncomfortable.
- Put herself into a negative and destructive emotional state. And no, the demise of the truck wasn’t the problem: her reaction was.
- Made herself look like a complete idiot!
In this life there are many things (most things, in fact) which will happen despite you and me. They will happen to us and around us. Some good. Some bad. However, there is one thing that will always be in our control – unless we choose to hand over that power – and that is, how we react. Life is not fair or unfair my friends; life just is.
A long time ago I made a conscious decision that situations, circumstances and events wouldn’t define me or determine my emotional and psychological states; I will do that myself. Consciously and intentionally. I will choose my mood, my attitude, my behaviours, my reactions and therefore, my outcomes. And therefore my reality. I will be influenced by – but not determined by – the events of my world. To the best of my ability, I will consciously and thoughtfully choose my reactions. Will it always be easy? No. Will I do my best anyway? Yep. I will be ever-mindful of the likely consequences and potential impact of my reactions – on my life and the lives of others. Consciousness and awareness (of how I react and the likely consequences of my reactions) are things that need to be worked on. Forever.
Our reactions can be relationship-enhancing, or relationship-destroying. They can put us in a solution-focused headspace, or a problem-obsessed pity-party. They can make people laugh or fill a room with tension. They can empower people or discourage them. They can make people feel safe and secure or terrified and confused. They can lead to learning and personal growth or bitterness and anger.
Someone much smarter than me once said:
In the context of life, it’s not what happens that matters, but how we react (to what happens) that matters.
I tend to agree.
Today I’m encouraging you to be more mindful, more conscious and more aware of your reactions (big and small) – and the likely outcomes of those reactions – on your life, and the lives of the people in your world. Sometimes, a better life is the by-product of better reactions. So choose to react consciously and responsibly.
As always, love to hear your ideas, thoughts, feedback and stories.
This is a really great blog post. Thank you Craig Harper.
Great story Craig. I really feel bad for the child, and I assume that the mother was unconscious of the scene she was making to the other people, especially the part when you said she was dragging the child by his t-shirt.
I think that however badly we are treated or whatever types of negative circumstances that happen to us, we will always have a choice to react in the way we want to. We can either let something bother us, or choose to react in a positive way. By being more conscious or are reactions, we can direct them towards going through our days being more positive and productive.
Great post. I was searching for posts on self-discipline and stumbled upon this. The parent was strict to her child and lax with respect to her own behaviour. Aaaah, composure, how can we learn it.
P.S. Wasn’t she supposed to talk to the sales person instead of running away from this mess.
Thanks for sharing your story,Craig.The quote came to my mind while reading and then I found it.Sometimes we have to think about working on our communication skills
“Consciously and intentionally. I will choose my mood, my attitude, my behaviours, my reactions and therefore, my outcomes. And therefore my reality.”
– This is it. This is what it is all about.
Thanks for a great post.
Kate
I feel sorry for that little boy, but having kids myself, know that control and restraint must be decided before an incident like this. Then the ability to handle the situation has already been planned and is controlled.
I too have chosen to live my life and be happy independent of whatever is around me – people complaining about government, people saying the world is going to end, whatever it may be. I have the choice of what I will do in any given moment.
Thanks for the post.
I once read a story by some successful scientist or so (unfortunately I forgot who it was or where I read it) that impressed me: When he was a little boy he took a bottle of milk out of the fridge. Like the child in Craig’s story he just let it slip, the bottle broke, leaving a white flood on the kitchen floor. The guy was really shocked and afraid. But instead of yelling at him, his mother told him calmly that it’s no big deal and made him help clean up the milk and teaching him to handel the broken glass carefully. Then she went to the fridge taking out another bottle of milk and together they tried what is the best way for a little boy to carry a bottle safely. The scientist said that this was one of the most important lessons in his live: When you make a mistake look at what exactly you did and how you can do better.
Nice post. Consciously all the way. :)
Great post. Indeed our reactions can destroy our career opportunities at work! Remember at work the company you work in buys 8 hours of certain behavior. How about extending the same good behavior to your family and loved ones too.
Good stuff, but as always with this sort of advice, the people who need it most are the ones who will find it the hardest to put into practice.
_How_ does one learn to be calm and conscious at the very moment when one is already overwhelmed by emotion from events?
I think it’s going be tough for a lot of people to react to things consciously and responsibly. It’s tough to change habits but it can be done.
This article was perfect for me. I have bad, bad Pms. Laugh if you will but that women could have been me and it makes me sad. By the way, I have tried everything for it. Anyway, the point is, no matterwhat, I CAN choose to be in control and that’s what this article makes me remember. Here’s to me acting instead of reacting!
Really enjoyable post Craig – thanks! It is one of those little pieces of ironic life gives you, that I often forget to be mindful of mindfulness.
Rich
The scientist who told the milk story is Bill Nye the Science Guy.
As for the kid and the mother — as a mother, I have learned that the judgmental “That mother was out of control with that POOR kid” ignores a whole host of factors that could have preceded that incident in the toy store. You don’t know what that kid or that mother is like in day-to-day life. That kid could routinely break things, or be challenging, or be a secret biter. Maybe the mom had been practiced and understanding that whole day, if not the whole week before.
Every single mother loses control in public, not just bad ones. As a childless alpha-male, perhaps you could have found a better example to enumerate your points. I would have been more interested to hear a reflection on an incident from your own life, rather than your judgmental castigation of a woman you don’t even know. Too easy.
The only part I disagree with is the terminology. People always say that they can choose how they feel. That’s not what it is. We can choose how to express how we feel. Regardless of any pre-conceived ideas, that mother was going to feel anger and worry. The problem wasn’t how she felt but how she reacted to her feelings. I have chosen not to express my anger in shouting. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel anger, it just means I don’t shout when I do. It’s much more productive.
People who tend to say “I choose what I feel” generally just mean that they bottle their feelings up. People SHOULD feel, ideally, they should just be using those feelings constructively rather than erupting or bottling.
Any one who can choose to act “consciously and responsibly” with their own six year old is a better person than I. No one can push you beyond reason like your own kids.
Her behvior was regrettable. Until you’ve been awake for 48 hours with work to come home to screaming children, up to your neck in broken toys and feces and screams because they want ice cream instead of the dinner you prepared, and you finally decide that maybe a trip to the toy store will maybe buy you a few precious moments of normalicy, and your child destroys some thing, you can keep your bullshit B.Ex.Sci. judgement to yourself.
Craig – i really enjoyed this post. Great storytelling and an important point to emphasize. I think creating the space to control our reactions is one of the biggest challenges we can undertake. You have to spend years in the mental gym to get anywhere, and even then we can still easily go back to old habits. I think B’s comment above is fair as well – it is difficult to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and assess the reaction out of that context. My friends who have children are my heroes – they exemplify selflessness and strength every second.
Thanks a lot Craig. You have done a wonderful job. Your valuable article signifies how we react and induces us to share our reaction with you. It is true that we react more and often. Our life is nothing but the essence of biological substances and it is obvious that so called “reaction” will play their part otherwise life would be lifeless.
Sadly, by screaming, Mom showed this little boy a great way to get her attention, even if it is negative. Now he knows (subconsciously) that when he is being ignored or feeling lonely, he can get Mom’s attention by breaking stuff, so it will likely happen again and again, to everyone’s horror.
All the shouting and mommy acting like she’s the victim was just a distraction to escape the store without paying for whatever was damaged.
[...] For a think: Do You React Consciously and Responsibly? [...]
Thanks for this Mr. Harper, I’ll try it out today!
Greg
What a great article. It's not always easy, but being able to react calmly and sensibly to everyday situations can change your life – and the lives of those around you – especially children. If this becomes a habit, when 'big' things happen you'll be better prepared to deal with them. Thanks for making me sit up and pay attention!