The Nature of Commitment
In a comment on my recent post about breaking up, someone asked if I’d write a follow-up about staying together. I’ve actually written about successful relationships before, based less on my own experience than on the work of relationship psychologists, so I’ll just refer you there if you’re looking for relationship advice. But thinking about what goes into a committed relationship got me thinking about the nature of commitment itself. What does it mean to be committed to something, whether to a person, a cause, a project, a government, a job, or an institution?
It’s funny how many of the words that we use to describe devotion are also used to describe insanity. The word “fan”, for instance, refers to someone who is a devoted admirer of an artist, musician, author, or other creator (or a piece of their work), but it comes from “fanatic”, a maniacal follower of some cause or leader. The guy in line at the Stephen King signing is a fan; the guy who follows him around from signing to signing claiming King killed John Lennon is a fanatic.
Likewise, we use the same word, “committed”, to describe someone’s devotion to a cause or person as we use to describe their incarceration in a mental institution. Is there a similarity? Well, to be committed means to pledge, bind, or oblige one’s self to something: a course of action, a system of beliefs, or indeed a medical treatment facility.
So, is being committed a sort of insanity? Well, no — but certainly there are some similarities between the kind of obsession that leads us to do horrible things to ourselves or others and the kind of obsession that leads us to greatness. We can look at someone like Steve Jobs and see that at work, the single-minded commitment to a vision of how the world should and could work, and the refusal to acknowledge other, “lesser” ways.
OK, enough prologue. What is commitment, then?
1. Commitment is passion.
Obsessive passion, maybe. Someone who is truly committed to something can’t not do it. You can’t live without accomplishing your cause or being with your significant other. Fulfilling that commitment gives you great pleasure — being with the person you love, pushing forward a project you believe in, creating a tiny pocket of betterness in the world, these are deeply satisfying to the person who is committed.
2. Commitment is action.
Actions speak louder than words, right? A person who is committed shows that commitment, over and over, in his or her actions. If your actions don’t match your commitment, you simply aren’t committed to it. You may have a belief, a hunch, a preference, a desire, but not a commitment.
3. Commitment is obligation.
What separates the truly committed from the rest of us is the way they embrace the crappiest parts of the job, setting their jaw and taking on the work that the rest of us wouldn’t dream of. It’s the parent scrubbing puke from the carpet at 4 in the morning, the doting spouse helping their aged partner on and off the toilet, the executive who flies halfway around the room to apologize in person for a badly flubbed marketing campaign, the firefighter who charges into a dangerous fire because he or she hears screaming, the soldier who holds his or her ground while the rest of company flees. You do these things not because they are fun or pleasurable in their own right, but because your commitment demands you do them.
4. Commitment is larger than the self.
Commitments are personal, but they’re also about relationships. The committed artist sacrifices everything to express his or her inner vision to the world. The committed lover cares first and foremost for the emotional and physical well-being of his or her partner. The committed performer takes the stage in the service of the audience. The committed activist creates a better world not for him- or herself but for the generations to come. True commitment embraces and engages the world.
5. Commitment is voluntary.
Commitment is obligation, yes, but it’s freely chosen obligation. Even the draftee chooses to be a hero in the heat of combat — or not to be. The environmentalist huddling shivering in a cold boat in arctic waters, protecting a pod of whales from a whaling ship, can take refuge in the fact that they chose to be there. The parent chooses to have and keep a child, no matter how accidental the pregnancy; the spouse chooses to stay in the marriage; the worker chooses to stay on the job. It is that choice that makes it a commitment — without the choice it’s just slavery.
(Ironically, being committed to a mental institution is not voluntary. Oh well…)
When we feel forced into something, when we feel obligations hanging on us like an albatross, when our actions fail to match our beliefs — these are signs that we aren’t as committed as maybe we thought we were. Maybe not committed at all. Pay attention to those signs — it’s easy to convince ourselves of a commitment that isn’t really a commitment at all.
So, what did I miss? And what are you committed to? Let’s talk about commitment in the comments.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Dustin Wax
Dustin M. Wax is a freelance writer and project manager at Stepcase Lifehack. He can be reached though his freelancing site at DustinWax.comDon't Be Stupid: A Guide to Learning, Studying, and Succeeding at College.
Follow him on Twitter: @dwax.
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Comments
Erin says on October 14th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Nice work Dustin. I also enjoyed going back and reading the post from last year, thanks for including the link.
I would add be in love and act like you want to be in love. Sometimes feelings follow actions.
Also, have fun together. You started out having fun. Real life and responsibilities can suck the joy out of a relationship if you aren’t having fun together.
I also think for couples, that both dancing and sex require a lot of practice so you are great together at both. Thanks for taking on the subject.
Armen Shirvanian says on October 14th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Hey Dustin.
This message you have made about commitment is valuable to me because it puts more priority on making more commitments, and having less non-commitments. I have a couple of items I wave on because I don’t commit, and looking at past examples, when I don’t commit, I don’t get the full value out of something.
I will focus on committing more to various responsibilities, which will bring advantages like you are talking about here.
I am going to copy and paste this article and save it as a text file on my desktop for now.
Charles says on October 14th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I think the piece about Action should be much longer.. As a former marriage and family therapist I am qualified to say that what each partner sees the other person Doing is what makes the magic.. Doing the nice things consistently is what makes it go.. A good attribution bank if you will goes a long way to pre-empting those vicious yelling matches folks have..
Marelisa - Abundance Blog says on October 15th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Hi Dustin: I think commitment is to a large extent acknowledging that from all of the possibilities out there, this is what you chose and you’re sticking to it. That is, everything else–even things that you might have been interested in–is discarded, for good. A lot of people never really get anywhere in life because they have a lot of interests, but they don’t really have anything that they’re committed to. Commitment is about making a firm choice.
Neal says on October 15th, 2009 at 9:45 am
I think you left out something important about what commitment is NOT: it’s not a contract. Commitment is one-way, without expectation of happy returns or any other such “deals”.
“All expectation hath something of a torment” — and hope might be the most selfish expectation of all. Selfishness has no part in a real commitment. It’s something one MUST do; it’s bigger than self. “If” never comes up.
Kim - inspirational thoughts says on October 15th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Commitment takes effort and work. You have to be willing to be in it for the duration. I think many people take commitment lightly at times. This is why some commitments, such as marriage, resolve easily.
ostrix says on October 16th, 2009 at 7:53 am
An important part of commitment is being aware of what you are doing, and doing it consciously. I agree that commitment is voluntary, it comes from the heart plus reasoning.
Heather says on October 16th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
What an enticing topic to delve into.
I realize that I commingle trust with commitment. I feel as I am at different stages of trust, my level of commitment is parallel to that. Additionally at times commitment has varied in definition from what I will do (as in a courtesy – Ex. Out of respect for you, I will commit to making sure I am on time) to what I need to do (as in a personal moral rule – Ex. As a girlfriend, I will commit to upholding and maintaining my fidelity to my partner). Regardless of the degree of commitment, it is clear that the supporting forces for it are as listed – Action, Obligation, Passion, Sacrifice, Etc and to renege on such is a direct refection on personal character. What is to be drawn from a broken commitment? Was the obligation driven by guilt? The action driven by social conformity?, The sacrifice driven by a sense that you have to lose a piece of yourself in order to gain, The passion driven by infatuation or a way to compensate for insecurity?
As wishy-washy as we can be, at some point a confident decision that will stand as the representation of who we are must be declared and complete acceptance of the consequences will ensue.
Thank you for allowing me to contribute.
Heather
Mike says on October 18th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
Enjoyed the piece. Surprised no one else pointed out though, when you wrote “being committed to a mental institution is not voluntary” it’s not quite true. There are both voluntary and involuntary commitments to rehabs, asylums, etc. ‘Involuntary commitment’ may be an oxymoron but it’s a common and legal term.
Ghoul says on October 19th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Well, I have to criticize a little bit – while it’s all quite okay in the article what with the “action, passion, obligation, voluntary, larger than self” elements of a commitment, I would argue that the most important thing was left out.
It’s the dynamic nature of a commitment, it needs perpetual awareness of itself, manifesting in having to make effort and having to change, adapt. I think this was also what Kim mentioned in the comments. I guess you could say that’s filed under “action” in your list, but that section is so short, it’s almost pointless. Anyway, without exception, all the people I know who are in longterm relationships have a positive approach to changing themselves and making an effort contributing to the relationship, and actually shifting the balance from individual to mutual. None of this I could find in the article (the larger than self section seems to talk more about sacrificing your individuality), which was disappointing.
Not to be overly harsh, though – “Staying together” is a rather large topic, which is very difficult to handle even on a general level, and I do think it’s more complicated than tips on how to be civil during a breakup (not to take away anything from that either, though). Still, I was a bit disappointed with this piece in how it seemed to be really just about a bunch of keywords (which is why I commented, I usually enjoy your writing), it felt quite messy and had no real conclusion – I don’t know why this is, but perhaps as you said in the first paragraph, it is because you wrote about this at the request of other people, rather than you really wanting to write about it.
So yeah, sorry if I come over all cranky, as I said I really like your articles, but this one, I really don’t know.
Omar says on October 20th, 2009 at 12:27 am
I’m committed to living an amazing life.
Yonathan says on October 22nd, 2009 at 11:44 am
I’m committed to finishing high school with a bagrut.