 to Ignite Your Social Skills "Pin It")
Life, to me, is all about human connections.
No, it’s not so much about the “professional networking” aspect or building a social media network full of fans and promoters. Even in our increasingly tech-laden world, it’s those pure, totally uninhibited, simply “human” face-to-face connections that mean the absolute most in life.
There’s something so unique and special about the bonds we forge over laughter and smiles, as well as those shared over tears and during moments of adversity when communities unite to overcome sorrow.
However, if you’re more of an “introvert” like me and not a Type-A, extroverted personality, those human connections feel a bit tougher to come by. I’d rather listen that talk, ask questions than rattle off answers. It takes some real courage for me to enter a social setting that I’m unfamiliar with, or especially (gasp!) a social scene where I don’t know anybody else beforehand.
Are you the same way?
No matter the extent of your social skills, introverted personality, or even if you deal with social anxiety in certain situations, I’ve assembled some of the easiest and most effective tips for introverts — provided by introverts, themselves! — from across the web and Twittersphere for you to try out at your next networking event or at the local watering hole this weekend!
1. JUST DO IT!!
“I have to force myself to get out there. It’s hard to do. But I join organizations, talk to business people… Engaging people first through social media has helped make the transition to real life interactions easier: It sets up a wonderful comfort level.” calkundra, on Twitter
Honestly, what would we do without the wisdom of Nike’s infamous catch-phrase? Simply force yourself to step outside of your comfort zones. You can even use social media like Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook to facilitate face-to-face connections in a way that provide an initial level of familiarity and comfort with new people.
Did you know that modern scientific and psychological studies prove that when you interpret difficult, uncomfortable situations as “challenges” and “adventures,” we are better able to cope with stress and anxiety?
Get creative and push yourself to extend your boundaries. View each interaction, and each new social setting as a unique challenge, opportunity and adventure to meet new and wonderful people — who knows who you’ll meet, what you’ll learn, and what good could come to a stranger’s life thanks to your friendly smile.
2. RELAX, GET COMFORTABLE
“Warmth. Getting relaxed as possible prior.” playwithamy, on Twitter
Outside of using social media to get yourself more familiar with people who will be in attendance at upcoming networking and social events, you can even visit the venue itself to get familiar with the “lay of the land.” I don’t know about you, but I get all sorts of flustered when I get lost heading to a new venue or struggle to find parking for my car (or, in Boston where I’m currently living, figuring there’s a good chance of getting ticketed and/or towed!).
Watch a funny movie or TV show ahead of time, too.
Your happy, smiling, fun-loving state will carry over into the event and help you radiate with attractive, positive energy and invite new people to approach you for conversation.
3. SET SIMPLE GOALS
“Speak to one stranger per day! Trust and embrace the unknown!” outwardnick, on Twitter
Focus on setting simple goals. Meeting one new person every day — or even just one person in any social setting — helps to build your confidence, gather forward momentum and create a sensation of steady growth within you.
You can meet just one stranger per day, can’t you? :)
4. GET HELP FROM YOUR (OUTGOING) FRIENDS
“I think having at least one very extroverted friend helps. When I’m with mine, you’d never know how shy and introverted I am.” aprilsmithma, on Twitter
This is an awesome bit of advice. Who are your most outgoing, social friends? You can “ride their coat-tails” and tag along with them to events you might not otherwise feel comfortable attending, and begin meeting new people through their naturally extroverted personality.
Don’t feel intimidated by your friend if he or she woos the room and you feel like you’ve taken a back seat or are hiding in the shadows. Remain confident and smiling. You can even ask your friend outright for help meeting people — they will happily oblige.
I use this strategy myself!
5. EMBRACE THE NERVES
“Be scared, uncomfortable, and do it anyway. Stretch boundaries slowly, desensitize one awkward situation at a time! :)” jwitcraft, on Twitter
You’re nervous? Good. You’re alive.
Like any skill, socializing takes practice. I’ve gotten better and better at it over time, and in spite of your nerves, stretching your boundaries step-by-step will help you grow to become pretty good at witty banter and that typical back-and-forth of conversations when meeting new people.
6. MAKE IT ABOUT THEM, NOT YOU
“Focus on the other person. Asking ppl about themselves & being interested makes them think you’re a great conversationalist. :D” cordeliacallsit, on Twitter
I personally LOVE this tip. In any uncomfortable situation, an introvert’s best strategy is to simply take the attention off yourself by asking questions, becoming invested in the words the other person is saying, and deeply listening to their stories.
Take the attention off of yourself by making your interaction with someone about them and not you, and you won’t feel like you’re buckling under the pressure of “putting on a show.”
This technique will also make you feel more comfortable to open up yourself and get familiarized with the group of people with whom you’re spending time.
7. DROP THE ‘INTROVERT’ LABEL ALTOGETHER!
This tip is my own!
Personally, I’m really not sure when I “finally” realized I was an introverted personality. But if the decision was an “either/or” between introvert and extrovert, it’s not like I had much of a choice, anyway!
I’m not sure that it makes any sense to completely reduce our deeply complex personalities to such a black-or-white, introvert or extrovert, one-or-the-other label: one that ingrains an idea within our own minds of our personal skills, talents, abilities, and — equally as powerful — our perceived limitations.
Truly, each of our individual personalities (combined with our unique living experiences) should remind us that each of our personalities represent one of “one million-shades of gray.”
Just drop the “introvert” label and remind yourself that every person is really in the same boat as a human being looking to share those same unique and special human connections with others.
After all, that’s what life is really about.
I wonder if you’re confusing the true concept of an introvert with that of a popular perception of introversion. Introverts are energized by one-on-one direct connections rather than with less tangible mass connections. An introvert is perfectly happy speaking to an individual but finds large group situations intimidating. I think what you’re focusing on is shyness rather than introversion.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with being an introvert. Extroverts get their energy from groups, Introverts get their energy by being on their own. It’s got nothing to do with being social or not.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with being an introvert. Extroverts get their energy from groups, Introverts get their energy by being on their own. It’s got nothing to do with being social or not.
Exactly. Nothing wrong with being an introvert. Extroverts get their energy from groups, Introverts get their energy by being on their own. It’s got nothing to do with being social or not.
Hey countervail, I thought I responded to your comment a few days ago but it never got posted! I’d ask you in response, what is the real difference? Title alone? I consider myself both an introvert and shy in social situations, and I think a lot of self-described introverts would.
The point here is that *regardless* of title, we needn’t confine ourselves or restrict our behavior with titles. It’s easy to break free of feeling shackled by social anxiety or preferring small, one-on-one interactions over large group experiences. In the end, I think there are strengths and benefits to both, and it’s wholly up to the person to decide what they prefer and embody these tips if they so choose!
Thank you for offering your thoughts and insight!
There’s a huge difference between an introvert and a shy person although
the two may go together. Introverts do not at all have a problem
talking to a person, say a stranger. As long as there’s not too many of
those persons involved. We generally don’t like larger groups because
there is just so much happening around with a lot of people that it is
exhausting for an introvert’s mind to process all those events. Groups
of people who do not know each other also usually come with something
introverts loathe – small talk. Since small talk is just a huge waste of
time – why bother saying something insignificant? introverts only speak
up when they have something relevant to say – we don’t like it whereas
shy people would love to participate in small talk but it’s difficult
for them to say anything.
So why should I, as an introvert, force
myself to do do anything (tip 1), say go to a party with a bunch of
people? Would you tell an extrovert – hey, I know you hate being alone
for days and days, reading books while taking a bath, and then reading
some more, but you should definitely JUST DO IT because it’s so awesome?
Think of it as an adventure! It’s an advice well suited for a shy
person of course, but not really for an introvert. Same goes for “meet
one stranger a day”. Not really a problem for an introvert – since
there’s one person involved and we can focus solely on that – but it’s a
difficult thing to do for a shy person.
Just my two cents and sorry for any English errors, not even my second language.
thanks, for speaking for all the introverts. I think this article is trying to change us from introvert to extrovert. But it is not simple like that. We are the way we are for the following reasons:
- we are result oriented, small talk produce nothing.
- talking to a mass audience produce no conclusion, think about in a meeting with more than 10 people, everyone has their own ideas, in the end: no one agree to compromise and act.
- third, we are information analyst, too many people’s ideas can flood our brains; we would stop function if we are given too much information to process
- we need our alone time to process all the information we got through out the day
i can’t think of more for now.
How about these two: 1) introverts have brains that are highly sensitive to dopamine (loved by extroverts), which is released in social situations; and introverts find these situations exhausting because we process new information through our long-term memory, which takes longer that the shortcut extroverts use (that’s why we feel one step behind) but to me I would never give up the way I process information for the approval of others. Marcin’s comment is important, we are not socially disabled!
Hi Dave. As a recovering introvert I found it helped to have a theory of introversion and extroversion. I think introverts, on balance, are more worried about making a social mistake than extraverts are. Because of that, we tend to over-think everything and run all the permutations of who will think what if we do such and such. Where introverts strive to avoid blame, extroverts outright seek praise. They put themselves out there, and don’t think as much about the negative possibilities, but more about the positive possibilities. One thing that helped me was to meditate on the fact that none of the social consequences of my actions will matter in 100 years. It won’t matter if I offend someone. It won’t matter what anybody thinks of what I say or do. This frees me up some to just put myself out there and not care as much what people think.
I do like the fact that you emphasize being “comfortable” rather than confident. I do think that’s the key. Confidence is hard to “do”. Relaxing, finding your center, and being comfortable in a situation is relatively easy — and accomplishes the same thing, really.
I don’t know where I read it – I know Tim Ferriss mentioned it – but a cool tip, is where you say in your head the colour of the eyes of the all persons you pass by in the street.
The duration it takes to figure it out is the perfect amount of time for making quality eye contact. No more, no less.
Another strategy is to ask yourself what kind of vegetable you believe a stranger on the street would like or enjoy– random sounding, yes, but effective. It helps you escape your own mind and remember simply that that is another human being you are looking at, no different really than yourself. You see though any differences and begin to remember your shared humanness, your similarities :)
enjoyed this, dave, and thanks for referencing my response to you!
i’ve utilized all of these ideas from time to time, and i’d say they’re very effective. the key is being positive about the possibilities of new interactions. one never knows what may come from taking a chance and sticking the neck out there.
i have to disagree a bit with countervail about the meaning of introversion. there are definitely people who prefer one on one interactions over group interactions, but for me the idea of introversion goes much deeper. it’s not simple shyness, but a certain amount of fear, usually of the outcome of a certain interaction, or that we’re not good enough to engage someone else on their terms. it’s the idea that my own interior world is much more comfortable than the outside world, and that i’d rather stay there than explore. it’s coming up with absurd reasons not to try or do something. james stone, in his comment, makes some good points, too.
let me give one recent rather remarkable example.
a couple months ago, i was exchanging thoughts via Twitter with Jakob Sokol, of the blog Sensophy, and he asked if i were going to the World Domination Summit held this past weekend. the truth of the matter was that i simply didn’t know about WDS until it had sold out. what i told jakob, however, was that, “well, i’m so much older than most of the people going, it seems something more for your generation.” what a load of BS! the simple truth was not enough, my subconscious had to find another way of rationalizing my response, and, had i gone, i would have been fighting that perception the entire time. “Dave Ursillo wouldn’t want to hear about a situation i’d like to discuss,” or “Ev’ Yan probably gets compliments on her blog all the time, so no need for me to engage her at all.” my introversion says, stay within what you know, because no one else really wants to take the time to deal with you.
so, introversion can take many forms, and our individual psychological make ups and life experiences can affect how we perceive not only ourselves, but also how others will perceive us. i know where my introversion comes from, and why i have these particular difficulties. other people may have different makeups where their introversion is based on something as simple as intellectual arrogance or, as countervail says, shyness.
regardless of what type of introvert we are (and whether we need to use this label or not), by not engaging with others we will never encounter our true selves. as i’ve gotten older, this is what i’ve learned the hard way. we miss out on so many things that will enrich our lives: experiences, friends, lovers, ideas. we end up losing that which makes us truly human, which is relationship.
Life is about connections and humans being among other humans. Sometimes I think we usually all tend to overthink this aspect, but really humans are such remarkably social creatures that the more we strive to be amongst and live *for* others, the better we will all be in the long run!
Your tip #6 of making it about them is so important. Who wants to listen to people who just talk about themselves? If we show that we are interested in others, we will be more successful in social settings whether online or in person. As far as the online issue, yes, email and social media are great but many of us have had our face to face interpersonal skills diminished as a result of technology overuse. In the end, it is the face to face interactions that still matter the most and we should not neglect opportunities to use and develop the skills for them.
Yes Clint! See my comment above :) Rock on!!
Interesting post, Dave. You can label it shy because introvert talk less, you can label it less social because you general prefer one-to-one over one-to-more. But for me, an introvert is focusing on the inside: thinking more than acting and listening more than talking.Not more and not less.
Why change from introvert to extravert?
I believe that extraverts have more interactions with more people and therefor get more attention of the rest of the world: if you give attention you get attention back.
That why I believe your point 6 is the most important: the more focus on the others.
Marc
Right on, Marc. These tips are for socializing and meeting people especially if you feel uncomfortable doing so — it’s really not a lot about whether and how you classify your personality.
Making interactions about others is an awesome way — and truly a courteous, attractive method — for meeting and interacting with other people. No one wants to hear you gum on forever about me me me me me… It comes across as very selfish and often unattractive in the eyes of others.
Put yourself out there to meet people, ask questions, and learn from others… the rest comes easy!
Right on, Marc. These tips are for socializing and meeting people especially if you feel uncomfortable doing so — it’s really not a lot about whether and how you classify your personality.
Making interactions about others is an awesome way — and truly a courteous, attractive method — for meeting and interacting with other people. No one wants to hear you gum on forever about me me me me me… It comes across as very selfish and often unattractive in the eyes of others.
Put yourself out there to meet people, ask questions, and learn from others… the rest comes easy!
Dave.
Wow! I learn so much going from blog to blog, the ones I have put on my learning and listening list… I liked the way you said what you said. I’m fairly new to this great big incredible world I landed in almost 6 months ago. Lately, reading the comments other folks make takes more time than the article!
It’s funny, I guess. Not so much for me, yet…I guess my skin isn’t quite thick enough yet. I read your title as the title of an article… not gospel. (See how many zombies I’ve chased around?!) I liked your post without knowing the dictionary definition of introvert or any isms.
Seems to me, we are trying to do good things, that good stuff comes from inside, you touch a topic that attracts people, you share, maybe you do business someday now that they know you exist after you get to know each other, and in our lives as just humans (where the good comes from), we are trying to show others how to use that in our business life as well. We are all here, it’s fresh and good, why make the same mistakes that have already been made?
I heard in your voice telling me, that if I am shy, introverted, or something else that makes reaching out and saying, “Hi I’m Amber, how are you?” really hard, I may need to work that out…how else will I meet anyone in this wonderful world we live in? Whether that someone may be my sweetie, a someday friend, a BFF I haven’t met yet, a mentor or teacher, or a perfect example of something I haven’t realized I was even looking for yet!
Ha! Can you tell I’m having information overload?!
Simply put, life is about connections to human beings. That is what I always tell myself. The more I “put myself out there,” even when I’m grumpy or feeling anti-social or want to run away from a situation that isn’t fun or productive, I remind myself to keep going out there into the world because life is about people… and if we deny ourselves that, we’re missing a lot. That’s it, simply put :)
Simply put, life is about connections to human beings. That is what I always tell myself. The more I “put myself out there,” even when I’m grumpy or feeling anti-social or want to run away from a situation that isn’t fun or productive, I remind myself to keep going out there into the world because life is about people… and if we deny ourselves that, we’re missing a lot. That’s it, simply put :)
great article and i kinda agree with you, and honestly i learn alot from this blog ,, thank u :)
Man, this is a great post! I don’t find networking easy, so this post has given me some great ideas. Just this weekend, i was at a conference for work (mobile Telco), and I decided ahead of time that I was going to interact with people that I hadn’t met before. I met some great people and heard some inspiring stories. I also met the band that was playing that weekend and was able to gain some contacts within the music industry for gigs and recording session work.
Re point 2, I have some Bill Cosby CDs that I listen to while I’m driving to events such as this. It helps me to take my mind off the fear of networking and helps me to relax.
Hey Tim! That’s excellent, I’m glad you found some value in this piece for networking situations. I think anyone, regardless of whether they consider themselves “introverted” or “extroverted,” can use these tips to increase social interactions and to truly have more healthy, positive social interactions.
Q: How do you know when you’re with an extroverted engineer?
A: When he speaks to you, he looks at YOUR shoes!
[...] 7 Epic Strategies for Introverts (by Introverts) to Ignite Your Social Skills (lifehack.org) [...]
[...] 7 Epic Strategies for Introverts (by Introverts) to Ignite Your Social Skills (lifehack.org) [...]
Introverts and Extroverts:
Neither one is better, they are just different. Read up on personality indicators (e.g. Myer Briggs) and you will realise one is not superior/inferior, they are just different.
Even though all the different personality profiles like intro/extro verted are equally valid, they are different, with each having their strong and weak points.
That is WHY this article is very good. Alot of introverts, myself included, know ‘logically’ when I need to put myself out there for a certain purpose (e.g. business networking), but when it comes time to doing it it is very difficult as it is not a natural tendency and as such have not built up that skill set over the years. This gives some good guidelines on how to get started.
Thanks,
Gab
Excellent post. But it would have helped if you had started off with your definition of an introvert.
“Take the attention off of yourself by making your interaction with someone about them and not you”
However then you are doing to them what you don’t want done to you…namely being ‘interviewed’. I hate being interviewed by outgoing people who want to get information out of me or want to talk just to fill space.
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Man, this is a great post! I don’t find networking easy, so this post has given me some great ideas. Just this weekend, i was at a conference for work (mobile Telco), and I decided ahead of time that I was going to interact with people that I hadn’t met before. I met some great people and heard some inspiring stories. I also met the band that was playing that weekend and was able to gain some contacts within the music industry for gigs and recording session work. Re point 2, I have some Bill Cosby CDs that I listen to while I’m driving to events such as this. It helps me to take my mind off the fear of networking and helps me to relax.bcbg outlet
Hey Dave,
Great article. I see myself as more of an introvert than an extrovert. Like you advice about breaking out of your comfort zones and “just do it” I’ve been using this for a while now. Sometimes I just have to tell myself that I have to speak with confidence and then the rest will just naturally be easier.
Most of the tips are pretty okay, but this:
1. JUST DO IT!!
Honestly? This kind of advice always makes me want to kick and scream.
“Simply force yourself to step outside of your comfort zones.”
I roll my eyes. If it were that simple, it wouldn’t be so difficult! Talk about missing the point. This is like telling someone with a broken leg to just get up and walk. Because, look, other people have no problems! Just do it man!
Are you sure this is written by an introvert?
I’ve always thought this was one of the best pieces of advice to get over shyness, helped me to no end. No matter how scared I am of going into some social situation I will just do it but to help with this anytime I think about the event before hand I will force myself to think positively about it how much I will enjoy it, vividly picture myself enjoying myself there works really well.
I’ve always thought this was one of the best pieces of advice to get over shyness, helped me to no end. No matter how scared I am of going into some social situation I will just do it but to help with this anytime I think about the event before hand I will force myself to think positively about it how much I will enjoy it, vividly picture myself enjoying myself there works really well.
I hate when people try to give advice to somebody that they do not understand even the slightest. You obviously don’t have a clue about introversion.
I’m an introvert and honestly I don’t think that it’s a flaw I need to fix, it is how I am. I’m not socially awkward, I make friends fairly easily and can carry on conversations with perfect strangers and even speak in public. There’s a difference between being introverted and being shy. Even though I am capable of doing all those things if I need to, I prefer not to. Being around people drains all my energy and I honestly just enjoy time by myself. If you leave me alone for 2 secs, I automatically zone out and I’m in my own world in my mind. There are many benefits to being this way. For instance I have to say something mean or hurtful to someone that I wanted to take back, because it is my nature to think and internalize things before they come out of my mouth. I don’t have to ask repetitive questions that were previously explained, because my default is to listen and take things in.
I’m an introvert and honestly I don’t think that it’s a flaw I need to fix, it is how I am. I’m not socially awkward, I make friends fairly easily and can carry on conversations with perfect strangers and even speak in public. There’s a difference between being introverted and being shy. Even though I am capable of doing all those things if I need to, I prefer not to. Being around people drains all my energy and I honestly just enjoy time by myself. If you leave me alone for 2 secs, I automatically zone out and I’m in my own world in my mind. There are many benefits to being this way. For instance I have yet to say something mean or hurtful to someone that I wanted to take back, because it is my nature to think and internalize things before they come out of my mouth. I don’t have to ask repetitive questions that were previously explained, because my default is to listen and take things in.
I would like to thank you for the efforts you have made in writing this article. Raw food diet Toenail fungus infection Common digestive disorders Common digestive system diseases and disorders
This guide makes being an introvert seem like a sin
Dave, wow, I can’t believe you’ve figured this out at so young an age. You are spot on. As an introvert, it is very hard for me, but you have nailed the strategies I have found to work for me. I do have to push myself, not all the time, but mostly when I do, more positive than not. Good on you.
Dave, wow, I can’t believe you’ve figured this out at so young an age. You are spot on. As an introvert, it is very hard for me, but you have nailed the strategies I have found to work for me. I do have to push myself, not all the time, but mostly when I do, more positive than not. Good on you.
INTROVERTS ARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN TOLD BY EVERYONE THEY KNOW TO NOT COME OVER UNTIL YOUR INVITED…THEN NEVER INVITED.
extroverts type in loud capitol letters.
Great guidelines to follow. I think that they could prove to be helpful if put into practice. It’s a matter of “just doing it” and implementing the points you brought out. Introverts have to work a little harder at networking skills than others. It takes practice until the skills become second nature. More free help from:
http://www.helpforthenetworkingintrovert.com/
I’d say getting friends to help out is the best method. Just telling yourself to do something isn’t easy especially if its trying to overcome something like introversion. Basically, its better that you get your more outgoing friends to drag you into some sort of social life to force yourself to actually get involved instead of just making promises to yourself.
If you’re really an introvert you do know an introvert brain pathway is longer to take in, process the present information right? Means we’re slower to act, though actively thinking. And for extrovert it’s fast and just as simple and swift as the wind blowing (though shorter span, low tolerance to complex/complicated information/theory). Right, sure of course… just reminding.
I mean, I sure do have lots of acquaintance, few friends, and one real close friend. But I don’t go out so often with them. They range from my classmates, old friend, and old hostel-mate. And as for most introverts, I don’t speak unless I’ve real good reason to do so. I don’t have facebook (found it to be huge nuisance) and only use my mobile phone (prefer text over calls). So first and foremost I think it’s best if people can accept the G A P dilemma (occur in conversation) that most introvert has before they can get along with… say, to almost any extrovert.
What you wrote in this article, I’ve done it in the past. One very good advice I can give to any introverted reader is… You can only learn of DOING by experience. Sometimes failing or making mistake doesn’t matter much (actually it’s more accurate to say failing is a huge part of success), others are not so critical of you, plus they’re much concerned of themselves than they are to you. Learn from mistake, learn to take two step forward and one step back. There’s thousands other creative way to connect with others. You can find out that yourself, and don’t feel guilty when it’s time to recharge and be alone, detached. Try explaining “why” to anyone curious enough to ask.
Having fun with a friend or two is good sometimes even for introvert (to get us out of our heads once we start over-analysing things and fall into deep depression) when you have no other obligation, such as work, college etc. That’s why you still need to think twice before really going into the mode of just-do-it!!
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goddamn you whoever wrote this piece of crap. I tried each of the steps given and I just got labelled as a sex offender in my city by just trying to be nice and curious about people. I'm never socializing with humans again.