We all have places in our lives where we get stuck, augured in by a particular belief like, “work is hard,” or “children are too expensive,” or “politicians are evil.” To make matters worse, we often can’t distinguish between the truth and a disempowering belief because we attach little refrains like, “that’s just the way it is.” It’s as if our minds have become the honeymoon destination for Archie Bunker and Nurse Ratched.
If we really listen, we will hear a quality of flatness, resignation or a dissonant righteousness in our speaking. To bring choice, openness, and inquiry back into your reality try adding the challenge “oh really?” to these 29 worn out perspectives (or your own) and turn up the heat on those victim-making, life-killing, soul-sucking, war-making phrases that have been sapping your fulfillment.
1. I don’t have the time.
2. Everything on my to-do list is important and essential.
3. I can’t quit. If I do, everything will fall apart.
4. If I take time off, I’ll lose my game.
5. Nobody will hire me, I’m too old.
6. You’re supposed to get married and then have the baby.
7. Get your diploma, go to college, get a master’s, get married, get a career, have a family, grow old, die.
8. I need an MFA to get published.
9. Art is good, but if you want to make a living, you have to get a real job.
10. I am a complete loser without my [to-do list] [blackberry] [iphone] [rolodex].
11. You’re a loser if you use a rolodex.
12. I can’t delete all those emails.
13. You have to get a telephone. Everyone has a telephone.
14. Nobody will respect me if I don’t have a Ph.D.
15. I have to know how it ends before I begin.
16. You have to start at the bottom if you want to get to the top.
17. A black man can never be president.
18. My vote doesn’t count.
19. Women over 50 should not have long hair.
20. I’m not creative.
21. Investing is pointless as my age; I should have started years ago.
22. It’s all my mother’s fault.
23. It’s all your mother’s fault.
24. I don’t have any choice.
25. If I don’t make it by 30, I never will.
26. If you’re an artist, you need a career to fall back on.
27. Finding love is just not in the cards for me.
28. I’d rather travel, but I have to get a degree first.
29. There’s nothing I can do about it (the all-time favorite).
Now that you’ve disrupted the homeostasis, what other perspectives are now clamoring to be heard?
Looked great until you had to slide political commentary into it. Completely unnecessary for this sort of forum, IMO.
Gaijin, if we’re going to shake up the whole human being, politics is fair game. It’s where some of our most entrenched, limiting beliefs hide.
No way, #17 is an awesome one. Honestly, I thought like that, at least that America wasn’t ready for one (not that that’s a reality I want at ALL) but even if Obama doesn’t win he’s shown its not impossible. That definitely illustrates the awesomeness of an “Oh really?” approach!!
@Kimberly–it’s a funny thing. We often jump from one limiting belief to another. And that’s good, it shows there’s movement. Trick is to find one that gives you a sense of freedom. So it sounds like you found, “It’s not impossible” and right behind that lies “it’s possible.” It’s simple perspective work, and you can try them on like clothes.
Having one of “those” days today. Job feels pointless and I want to walk away from it. I often say “yeah, but it pays well”, or “yeah, but I won’t get a job that pays as well in this city”.
This article was very, very timely for me today.
Thanks!
@Jason, nice. Resignation is a killer of possibility. See how many other perspectives float to the top after you say “oh really.” Choose one that feels like it has some power, like it could move you to action.
These 29 “worn out perspectives” are “victim-making, life-killing, soul-sucking, war-making phrases that have been sapping your fulfillment.”
Oh, really?
I am trying to add “REALLY??” to “this is too hard”. This applies to lots of things, but right now I am struggling to get to the next level of skiing (from blue to black runs) and I never fail to think “this is too hard” looking down a steep slope. I am working on replacing that with “I can do this”.
@vered, what a great example. So you have a vision of yourself as an advanced skier, right? And you’re “struggling.” So there’s you’re perspective shift. You’re standing in “struggle.” Now take yourself over to the Black run and try this: “I’m learning. I can do this.” Your old perspective of “it’s hard” may also be here in this new place, “it’s hard AND I am doing this.”
While I agree that political opinions need to be challenged (not necessarily voided) constantly, I also didn’t appreciate the political plummet (yay alliteration!) here.
First of all, isn’t it pretty Ameri-centric? Not all people have presidents. Some people already have Black presidents.
Second of all, three years down the road, it’ll date the article. It’s no longer 100% applicable in 2010. #10 does this as well, but still represents a general idea, as opposed to a specific one.
Of course, constructive criticism offers a solution. I submit that a worthwhile replacement would be ‘my candidate* can’t win’. Me, I’m a Ron Paul fangirl, so I sometimes know how it is. I just keep trying.
But ‘candidate’ goes back to the democracy-centric thing. Maybe ‘competitor’, so it includes all competitions?
Anyway, that’s how I’d improve this already-very-good article. Thanks for reading my suggestions.
@fangirl, thanks for the offer for fixing the post. Here’s the deal: our worn out perspectives rarely sound hip, global-minded, inclusive or evolved. So perhaps we could let go of splitting hairs about the political jibe and drop down inside the post and do the work.
Just offering another perspective… ;-)
[...] thought of that on reading this post in Lifehack.org. Probably “Oh, really?” is a better response to the voice (though [...]
“6. You’re supposed to get married and then have the baby.”
Being a 30 year-old father of nearly 2 (#2 in June) and married for nearly 7 years, I disagree with this statement entirely. What kind of message are you sending to your new-born child that Mom and Dad aren’t committed enough to each other to get married? I know very few people who either stay married or get married when a child comes into the picture. With divorces at a 50% clip in this country, some “old fashioned” values should be taken more seriously than being mindlessly considered antiquated by today’s standards. I owe it to my children to be committed to my wife and to their future through marriage commitment to my wife. There is something very profound in that. Most people who follow that statement will never realize that, and wonder why their children have such a hard time in their relationships 30 years later. Your decisions affect your children’s and grandchildren’s futures more than you realize.
Hear, hear.
I too like challenging common platitudes and received opinions like some you list here. The kind of things people say without ever thinking, the thoughts we were “fed” to think. Many of these tell “you arent capable!” “there’s no point” “its too late” “leave it to the special people”.
I have directly or indirectly had to work with many people where I had to fight these kinds of inner thoughts… often acquired at school.
One thing that strikes me over and over is how it takes so little to allow people to shine and empower themselves… and so little to shut them off.
I believe that a lot of these “received ideas” were encouraged to make people stay where they are. Fit in, do what everyone does, don’t question, don’t make waves, stay in your place and for heaven’s sake don’t think for yourself or get ideas above your station like thinking you are capable to write or create or be your own person!
Pah to that!
It is a good idea to challenge all the messages out there dumbing people down, telling us the world is too complicated for peons like us, achievement is for special people, thinking is for the technocrats… especially us who are lucky enough to be in these “elites”.
Challenge these ideas whenever you find them in people, and watch the people learn to shine.
This was a very useful exercise. I realized I had a thinkin’ problem to solve, when I severally choked while trying to put the “oh really?” after no 6. Thx.
[...] If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to my Blog Announcement List. You get my Split Test software free just for signing up. Visit this link and you’ll see what I mean. Thanks for visiting!Check this out for a reality check: 29 Worn Out Perspectives [...]
[...] my daily reading list on my news feed there was a great article today: 29 Worn Out Perspectives in Need of the “Oh Really” Factor. These are a few on there that specifically talk about art or creative items or just general life [...]
JM, I couldn’t agree with you more on the marriage thing, but that’s not how I originally read #6. Now that I reread it, I see that you’re correct, but I originally interpreted it as ‘all people are supposed to get married and have a baby’. The latter is indeed a non-compulsory attitude, but the need for parents to be married definitely isn’t.
Getting married before having a child is a “victim-making, life-killing, soul-sucking, war-making” thing? Who the heck approved this article?
This article is only the latest in a long string of irritants, so I’ve decided to cut out my LifeHack RSS feed. I’ll come back in a year and see if the site is actually about lifehacks again, rather than political commentary, Captain Planet-esque ‘go green!’ guilt sessions, and empty lists of platitudes.
I leave the site with its own mission statement (from the About page):
“This site dedicated to lifehacks. The phrase describes any hacks, tips and tricks that get things done quickly by automating, increase productivity and organizing. This site is built around this theme.”
@JM–Thank you. This gives us an opportunity to dig a little deeper.
I don’t personally “believe” #6 to be true or right. For that matter, all the other 28 perspectives are not good or right intrinsically. They are simply places where we rigidly adhere to “the way it is.” So consider for a moment an unmarried woman or girl who finds herself suddenly pregnant. We have to take “what is” at face value. We can’t move backwards and fix that right now. She’s pregnant. From here, there are at least 4 perspectives or choices she can make. It’s not about assigning blame, but noticing where you stand (current perspective) and choosing the next right thing according to your values.
@Iphegenie–here here! Byron Katie likes to say that an unexamined thought is where all the suffering lies. Examine the thought and find your freedom.
@ Ela — I too choked on #6. That’s why it works as an exercise. If you can find your way authentically into several possible perspectives/choices, you are then not a victim of your circumstance, but a human in the middle of a powerful choice. One that creates a learning you are not likely to forget.
I count 9 of those that I’ve actually beaten. Thanks for the reminder and giving me a boost today! LOOK OUT WORLD!
@Andertoons–woo hoot!
This was a very timely post for me as well – I just realized how much I’ve been buying into my own victim-making statements lately (“I can’t figure this out by myself” and “I can’t do anything about this until XYZ happens”). Adding “oh really” to those is a great reminder that I need to get over the limitations I place on myself and remember that the power to succeed IS in my own hands. Because it is! Thanks for an excellent exercise.
@Ellen, what a pleasure.
Oh Really?
Kaizer.
Parts of this list are cultural specific in ways the writer can’t possibly be aware of. Some cultures embrace and endorse the idea of “there’s nothing you can do” and believe adopting that sort of attitude is a positive one. In Japan, saying “shoganai” is the equivalent of this. It’s accepting your powerlessness in a situation as inevitable and not getting worked up about it.
I believe that this is far from a bad thing since, quite often, there are many unpleasant aspects to life that we cannot change or are unrealistic to expect to change. Possibilities are not infinite. Talents are not limitless. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try but you also can’t fool yourself.
I really like this idea, and will use the Oh Really on the next person who tells me – you can’t do that.
I am in my second year of a four year course learning Japanese, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese and Arabic – simultaneously. It’s nice that it’s all at the one college too.
Plus I am 44 years old, and failed high school. Far too many people over the past 2 years have been telling me – You can’t do that! Two in particular have been tutors at the college, but happily none are my teachers. I am passing everything, and doing very well; and no – I don’t have a skill for languages, in fact I have a learning disorder called Central Auditory Processing Disorder. It makes learning hard – but I love learning this stuff!
I can and will use the Oh Really comment on every nay-sayer from now on. It will make my life a lot easier, and stop me doubting my self.
#13? Yeah, I guess you don’t *have* to have a telephone… unless you want to talk to people who aren’t in the same room, or call the police, an ambulance, or fire station. Did you mean cell phone?
This is just my personal thing about #1, but there’s something to be said for focusing on what you’re doing instead of taking on more and more tasks.
Why is #27 on here? The whole idea that people (especially women) don’t have to fall in love to be complete is a fresh perspective.
I think this article would have been better if the author had chosen seven things and explained her meaning better.
30. Save 10% of your gross in 401k; pay off all debt (incl. own home) and retire rich (or even just ‘well’) …
… oh, really??!!
Re. #26
The vast majority of young people aiming to be artists will never make a living practicing their art. Ignore the stories of the winners and their hard struggles before the breakthrough. It’s called the survivorship bias. Successful writers / painters / musicians / whatever get interviewed. English teachers, office workers and waiting staff do not.
If aspiring artists don’t start integrating ‘something to fall back on’ into their creative life sooner then they’ll have to do it later. Which is cool, but – in my late-30s – I’ve seen enough people go all out for artistic success in their 20s, fail – in financial terms – and then have to painfully start reassessing the situation and their perceptions of self-worth. Talent and hard-work do not inevitably lead to success – luck needs to be involved too.
That said, most of the creative people I’ve met with dreams of being an artist lacked two, if not all three, of these things.
Great article,
Been from outside the U.S. I find nº 17 quite interesting. What yesterday was imposible tomorrow can be utterly normal. I think that the main point is to realize that you must be brave to break the barriers in people’s mind.
Nobody said nothing about nº 23? What is it’s suppoused meaning
Your article reminds me of Byron Katie’s The Work. In short, you answer four questions:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you think that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Afterwards, you turn it (the concept you are questioning) around by examining the opposite of the original concept. You are encouraged to find at least three examples in your life where the turnaround is true.
To examine this in more detail, go to her website: http://www.thework.com
–
Peace…
Dune Bondar
I love this… In fact, one of them just happened as I was reading the article. I’m in the library at my local junior college and some dude said: “I don’t have time for this”, I automatically replied: “Oh really?”
I think lot of people have gotten stuck on Lisa’s particular “Oh, Reallys”. seems like sometimes you might well answer “Well, yes, really”, but the point is, you’ve asked the question. As an instructor, I see tons of students whose papers rely on things “everybody knows”, most of which are not true no matter how many people “know” they are.
Example: the divorce rate has dropped every year since the early ’80s, and stands now at about 40%, yet “everyone knows” it’s more than 50%. Sticking an “Oh, really” after the things we believe we know most firmly and believe most deeply might well be the fast path to that “examined life” the philosophers seem to believe is so worth living.
Great post!
FekketCantenel: “Getting married before having a child is a “victim-making, life-killing, soul-sucking, war-making” thing? Who the heck approved this article?”
I did. Now, “the views expressed are not necessarily representative of the views of lifehack.org blah blah blah” and we try to give our writers plenty of room to speak for themselves, but I don’t see any reason not to have in any case. Here we have the perfect little hack for dealing with negativity, whatever it’s source.
As for #6, there’s no way to get from what Lisa wrote to the “marriage is evil” view you’ve ascribed to her. It’s clear that Lisa is referring to the idea that the *only* way to go is to get married and then have children — that insistence does a lot of damage to parents and children alike.
“Only married people should have babies.”
“Oh, really?”
That’s a world of difference from “Don’t get married.” The point is, marriage doesn’t make anyone a better parent. ANd lack of marriage doesn’t hurt children. Good parenting makes people better parents, and bad parenting hurts children, and marriage (or its lack) is no guarantee of either.
@Everyone who is taking to task any one of the 29 perspectives:
These examples are not prescriptives or rules for living. Nor are they intended to be morally “correct.” They are points of view. Some POVs are “stuck” or mired in “that’s just the way it is” and some are not. It depends on who’s having the thought and what your values are.
The point is not to see which ones you believe in or think are right or you’d be missing the point of the exercise. It’s a process for revealing where you might be stuck in “the way it is” plain and simple. Don’t overthink it.
It’s a process for getting to the bottom of the things that stop you from getting the degree, painting the mural, asking for the promotion, etc. It’s intended to shake up your reality so you can find your own, authentic forward movement.
No need to overthink it.
@Dustin, thanks for your support here :-)
[...] Dabei gibts lustige Dinge zu entdecken. Ein User Manual für das eigene Leben, wird da z.B. vorgschlagen. Ist das eine interessante Idee? Ich kam auch schon mal drauf. Menschen, die oft “Ich kann nicht” sagen, empfehle ich dieses Posting. [...]