10 virtually instant ways to improve your life
Many of our problems come from within our own minds. They aren’t caused by events, bad luck, or other people. We cause them through our own poor mental habits. Here are 10 habits you should set aside right away to free yourself from the many problems each one will be causing you.
- Stop jumping to conclusions. There are two common ways this habit increases people’s difficulties. First, they assume that they know what is going to happen, so they stop paying attention and act on their assumption instead. Human beings are lousy fortune-tellers. Most of what they assume is wrong. That makes the action wrong too. The second aspect of this habit is playing the mind-reader and assuming you know why people do what they do or what they’re thinking. Wrong again, big time. More relationships are destroyed by this particular kind of stupidity than by any other.
- Don’t dramatize. Lots of people inflate small setbacks into life-threatening catastrophes and react accordingly. This habit makes mountains out of molehills and gives people anxieties that either don’t exist or are so insignificant they aren’t worth worrying about anyway. Why do they do it? Who knows? Maybe to make themselves feel and seem more important. Whatever the reason, it’s silly as well as destructive.
- Don’t invent rules. A huge proportion of those “oughts” and “shoulds” that you carry around are most likely needless. All that they do for you is make you feel nervous or guilty. What’s the point? When you use these imaginary rules on yourself, you clog your mind with petty restrictions and childish orders. And when you try to impose them on others, you make yourself into a bully, a boring nag, or a self-righteous bigot.
- Avoid stereotyping or labeling people or situations. The words you use can trip you up. Negative and critical language produces the same flavor of thinking. Forcing things into pre-set categories hides their real meaning and limits your thinking to no purpose. See what’s there. Don’t label. You’ll be surprised at what you find.
- Quit being a perfectionist. Life isn’t all or nothing, black or white. Many times, good enough means exactly what it says. Search for the perfect job and you’ll likely never find it. Meanwhile, all the others will look worse than they are. Try for the perfect relationship and you’ll probably spend your life alone. Perfectionism is a mental sickness that will destroy all your pleasure and send you in search of what can never be attained.
- Don’t over-generalize. One or two setbacks are not a sign of permanent failure. The odd triumph doesn’t turn you into a genius. A single event—good or bad—or even two or three don’t always point to a lasting trend. Usually things are just what they are, nothing more.
- Don’t take things so personally. Most people, even your friends and colleagues, aren’t talking about you, thinking about you, or concerned with you at all for 99% of the time. The majority of folk in your organization or neighborhood have probably never heard of you and don’t especially want to. The ups and downs of life, the warmth and coldness of others, aren’t personal at all. Pretending that they are will only make you more miserable than is needed.
- Don’t assume your emotions are trustworthy. How you feel isn’t always a good indicator of how things are. Just because you feel it, that doesn’t make it true. Sometimes that emotion comes from nothing more profound than being tired, hungry, annoyed, or about to get a head-cold. The future won’t change because you feel bad—nor because you feel great. Feelings may be true, but they aren’t the truth.
- Don’t let life get you down. Keep practicing being optimistic. If you expect bad things in your life and work, you’ll always find them. A negative mind-set is like looking at the world through distorting, grimy lenses. You spot every blemish and overlook or discount everything else. It’s amazing what isn’t there until you start to look for it. Of course, if you decide to look for signs of positive things, you’ll find those too.
- Don’t hang on to the past. This is my most important suggestion of all: let go and move on. Most of the anger, frustration, misery, and despair in this world come from people clinging to past hurts and problems. The more you turn them over in your mind, the worse you’ll feel and the bigger they’ll look. Don’t try to fight misery. Let go and move on. Do that and you’ve removed just about all its power to hurt you.
Adrian Savage is a writer, an Englishman, and a retired business executive, in that order, who now lives in Tucson, Arizona. You can read his other articles at Slow Leadership, the site for everyone who wants to build a civilized place to work and bring back the taste, zest and satisfaction to leadership and life. Recent articles there on similar topics include How to save yourself from being hooked again and Why fear of failure is the most common blockage to success. Adrian’s latest book, Slow Leadership: Civilizing The Organization
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Comments
William Profet :: OneJobTwoSalaries.com says on July 16th, 2007 at 10:11 am
Greeeeat tips. Here some additional ones:
- Live the moment. Carpe Diem, Baby.
- Plan the future but not live in it.
- Learn from your mistakes but leave the past to rest in peace.
- Find your mission on Earth, stop rambling.
That’s from me. Regards!
William
leo says on July 16th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Thanks for the tips. Most learned already, sometimes forgot.
“Stop jumping to conclusions.”, “Don’t assume your emotions are trustworthy.” - Maybe true for certain people, but generally i disagree. They add doubts, which does not lead you to anywhere. I would say trust your instinct, and learn from past experience, so you make better judgment/decision next time.
Paul says on July 16th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
For a post about how to improve your life, that’s a lot of negatives.
Jon says on July 16th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Good points! These are all good for implementing personal changes that have an effect on your surroundings. I was prompted to write my latest post after reading this: 5 Points for Leaders on Change
Mike Sty says on July 16th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
I generally get annoyed with these posts, they’re usually redundant and droll, but this one was pretty good. I just witnessed a huff and puff fest in my kitchen between my mom and my stepdad, which could have easily been avoided.
Bill Shut says on July 16th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
If you follow these tips, you too can wind up with a career consisting of writing banal little “10 ways to blah blah blah..” lists on the internet!
Chris says on July 16th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
In all fairness to David Burns at least some credit should be given to the 10 Cognitive Distortions that he listed. This list is just a “reversal” of what he wrote decades ago.
http://www.uwec.edu/counsel/pubs/defn.htm
ME says on July 16th, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Much of this is covered in Buddhism 101…
Chuck says on July 16th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Yeah, but…but…
If we stop doing all these things and suck all the drama and anxiety out of our lives…what will people do all day?…especially online??
I mean…if you take all that stuff away from teen girls, they’ll have nothing left at all…and will just turn into little dandelion puffs and fly away!
bigfilez says on July 16th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
All I know is that Life will be boring without drama.
In the mean time, check out my new site http://www.bigfilez.com
Matt Galvin says on July 16th, 2007 at 8:47 pm
While most people have heard this advice and more before… a reminder never hurts. These are a few things to do that can be very impactful to oneself and to others around us. Removing the negatives from our thoughts or at least not making them our primary focus changes your outlook on life to be a much better one.
Get past the negatives and move forward.
Thank You!
Kai says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
A very well thought-out list, but at the same time it feels rather limiting. I’d rather have the mindset of an idealist who understands the importance of failure. The rest is self-taught.
John B says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
True, we’ve heard these opinions before in one form or another, maybe not all at once. But it sure is easy to forget them or tuck them away in the back of your mind. Thanks for the reminder.
passerby says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Don’t invent rules - should apply to these 10 as well?
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Jeremy Steele says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
The only problem I have is with the statement about forgetting the past. You should learn from your past then let go of it, and use what you learned and apply it to the present and future.
CharmingQuark says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
a good list, but could probably be summed up in 3 words: “practice beginner’s mind”
agentarsenic says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
I sent this to my wife right away. While I practice these tips constantly, she stresses out over everything and holds a grudge like no other. Hopefully these tips will help!
Emanuel says on July 16th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
“Don’t hang on to the past. This is my most important suggestion of all: let go and move on.”
I’d really love to know how to do this, I’ve tried so hard to let go of all the pain my past relationship has brought to me. If anyone has any tips on how this is accomplished I’d appreciate any. Thank you.
passerby says on July 16th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Don’t invent rules: Including these ten?
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Jeremy Steele says on July 16th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
Emanuel, I’ve found that finding a good hobby is a good way to forget certain things. Heck, even exercising works.
Ashley says on July 16th, 2007 at 10:27 pm
Emanuel - agreed! I’ve been trying for months, and being told to “let go and move on” doesn’t help; I’ve been telling myself that for some time.
mantissa says on July 16th, 2007 at 11:05 pm
While I follow a lot of the things on this list - I think my wife should seriously read this
Jerry Hobby says on July 16th, 2007 at 11:52 pm
It seems like a great article at first, but then I realized the whole article was a bunch of “don’t” statements. “Don’t” is not an action.
I would love to see this rewritten with things we can do to have live a great live … instead of a list of things to not do. Same message, but in a more powerful structure.
It reminds me of people who would rather complain than to actually solve problems. Reread that article from that perspective and it sounds like a huge list of complaints, not advice.
Mark says on July 17th, 2007 at 2:22 am
Basically, ‘chill out’?
Irvan says on July 17th, 2007 at 4:41 am
i think silent is a gold. am i right ?
-IT-
mark rushworth says on July 17th, 2007 at 4:50 am
wow that’s a lot of DONT’S, how about changing it to be more positive… that way people will retain and use the info rather than see it as a list of rules to break!
Somak says on July 17th, 2007 at 5:01 am
I really like the pic.Nice combination of colors.
Patrick Allmond says on July 17th, 2007 at 7:24 am
“Don’t let life get you down. Keep practicing being optimistic”
This is the one most people will have a problem with. People (in general) cannot seem to stand other people that are always in a good more or always see the upside of a situation. It is much easier to be depressed and pissed off about something than to take it as a learning experience.
Good refreshers.
Patrick
http://stopdoingnothing.com
ZT USA says on July 17th, 2007 at 7:36 am
# Paul says on:
July 16th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
“For a post about how to improve your life, that’s a lot of negatives”.
Haaa, I think its just you seeing it that way.
Good info.
Matthew Cornell says on July 17th, 2007 at 8:40 am
Great tips - thanks! One of my favorite thoughts about living better is that of “learned optimism” from Martin E. Seligman. He studied optimistic vs. pessimistic people, and found that the former talk to their selves in better ways. The key dimensions:
1. Temporary and changeable versus permanent and fixed.
2. About a specific area of their lives as opposed to something global and general.
3. Influenced by an external source as opposed to blaming themselves for an internal defect.
TV Online says on July 17th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Great tips, especially the 6th.
JD says on July 17th, 2007 at 10:01 am
“Don’t let life get you down. Keep practicing being optimistic.”
I just can’t… When I see how #%$#ed up the world is (war, poverty, torture, slavery, corruption, racism, etc), there is no way for me to just ignore those and be happy while keeping a straight face.
Our rulers/dictators/masters want us to obey and be happy. They can force me to obey; but they can’t force me to pretend to be happy.
Shine says on July 17th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Nice post, and interesting comments. Yes we might have heard of these a hundred times, but when come to think about it, they are not simple when put into practice. Worth some conscious efforts.
wvchile says on July 17th, 2007 at 11:44 am
this is a really nice little set of things to go out in life and try 1 or 2 at a time and to practice. as with most self help stuff it sort of oversimplifies every thing a tad. it’s hard to just stop making rules for yourself and holding on to the past; these are addictive thought patterns. but really if you try these one at a time and consciously try to stop when ever you catch yourself doing things like this you can eventually condition your mind to reap the promised benefits these tips provide/
neosapience says on July 17th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
That last bit of advice is somewhat erroneous. People hold grudges because they feel they haven’t finished dealing with a problem yet. You should try to deal with problems when they happen so they don’t haunt you in the first place.
Some things can’t be undone that easily however, and just expecting someone to be able to ‘let go and move on’ is naive. If someone killed your parents, I’m sure you’re going to do whatever it takes to find the culprit. Some people would find it impossible to ‘let go and move on’ in that situation.
dngr says on July 17th, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Don’t focus on what NOT to do, focus on what to do!
Steve says on July 17th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I didn’t see anything on the list that is “instant”.
All of these are habits that, if you have them, you’ve had them for a very long time.
Breaking out of habits, especially internal habits is incredibly difficult and can take a very log time of hard work.
These are all good things to work on however.
ac says on July 17th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I agree that making positive improvements in your life does not start with a list of DON’Ts
Mark says on July 17th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
Wow, I really liked this article. It cheered me up quite a bit. Thanks for posting!
Adam says on July 17th, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Several commenters seem bothered this is a list of “Don’ts” rather than “Do’s” - but I think that’s the point. We clutter our heads by compulsively “doing” so many unnecessary things that the best approach is often to recognize and step back from our negative habits of perception in order to see the world more clearly. The last thing most of us need is someone else saying “do this, do that”, filling our heads with even more confusing and contradictory rules. I also agree with the posters who credited David Burns and Buddhism 101 - especially the latter, since I’ve always thought Burns’ work on cognitive therapy owes a huge debt to Buddhism.
it2051229 says on July 18th, 2007 at 8:25 am
lol.. seems like my life sucks
Duncan says on July 19th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
What if your life is too good already? Perhaps you need to do some of the opposite things…
MBHayes says on July 20th, 2007 at 8:51 am
These are ALL enlightening and good reminders REGARDLESS of who came up with what first and/or where they got it from.
Seek Peace and Pursue It… self-created drama…
… at the end of day waste the precious time of life not to mention affecting your overall health and well being to a degree.
No I’m not saying become an emotionless drone… but if you examine half of what you react negatively to and what the end result is… this list can be inspirational rather than detrimental.
MTalib says on July 22nd, 2007 at 2:38 am
All these tips in the end amount to do nothing, say nothing and be nothing. If you don’t stand for something, don’t hold for it, don’t fight for it and in the end trick yourself into thinking that your apathetic state is the life well lived, then be happy in your mediocrity.
Thomas Jankowski says on July 22nd, 2007 at 6:17 pm
While generally these points hold true, they mostly apply to people who upon reading such a post would say, “aaah, so that’s how it works!”. However, for many others, especially professionals, not all of these points make sense. Consider ‘not labeling people’ - very true and heartwarming (despite the fact that most people do use stereotypes every day unknowingly). Still, working in HR/PR, one of the basic needs of my profession is to be able to make up my mind about someone within 2-5 minutes. And nowadays I’m wrong less than 2-3% of the time (and when I am it’s actually exciting).
Same problem with the last point. Yes, moving on and letting go is important. But, the reason history tends to repeat itself is because people do not learn or do not remember. So, LEARN, then move on. Otherwise, it’s bound to happen in the future and you’ll be taken for a ride yet again.
Please, always take these posts with a grain of salt. Generalizations rarely work in individual situations.
Jess says on July 23rd, 2007 at 3:49 pm
THANK YOU!
I really feel there’s something worthwhile in these helps. I will come to these every time I feel lost, or else.
Laura says on July 27th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Great advice.
Can anyone suggest ways to implement these tips in life?
I’d love to follow these points but how do I go about doing it practically?
Marc Savoy says on July 29th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Best thing ever posted. Ever.
paresh says on August 21st, 2007 at 8:22 am
I agree that do not jump to conclusion. Most ,most of the time we are milleaded by our prejudices and fear. There is some risk in taking people to their face value, but it saves your golden relations.
Debbie C says on August 22nd, 2007 at 10:30 pm
My favorite : Do unto others as you would have them do unto your mother, unless of course,she was/is a B ITCH !!
l0rdcompaQ says on September 20th, 2007 at 5:12 am
7/10 completely worthless, 0/10 helpfully. Either the points are false itself, not applicable or part of basic trivial conclusions that a human makes in his early development, although some may actually not :/ .
This 10 ways maybe helpfully to dreamers and average people who like to form smaller delusions.
I have a 11. rule I would like to add, that complies with your style:
“Stop sleeping”. Sleeping consumes more than 1/3 of total lifetime of a human. If you stop this worthless action, you will improve your life by having much more free time to do valuable things.
Disregardingly,
l0rd@COMPAQ