November 23rd, 2007 in Communication, Featured, Lifehack

Using Compliments To Control Communication

Over the past few years I have been reading books on personal development, relationships, communication, and the power of manipulation. I took things a step further, when I began to experiment with some of these techniques in real conversations. The thing to remember when your experiments involve other people is to have fun, treat it as a learning experience, and not be harmful or disruptive to other people as you go.

The word manipulation is a bit of a taboo, and is often thought of as an act that is devious or scandalous in nature. By manipulation, I mean the act of subtly directing a conversation towards your goals — it doesn’t have to be evil, wrong, etc.

Let’s take a look at some of the benefits that manipulating or controlling a conversation can provide for us by tapping into the power of compliments.

Switch focus. If you’re in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, or have somehow become the center of attention, you can use a compliment as a way out. Just pick someone and compliment them on their hair, or outfit, and watch as the focus is drawn to them. You’re off the hook!
Demand attention. If you’re in a situation where you want someone to hear you out, let them know that you think they’re a great listener. Most people know listening to be a very valuable skill, and when you bring this to their attention, they will continue to refine and practice their listening skill on you.
Engage networking. If you’re in a social setting, and you let someone know you think they’re a terrific connector, they will be tempted to show off more of that skill to you. They will not only introduce you around, but comment on how nice you are.
Strengthen connections. When you’re speaking one-on-one to a person you recently met, it is a great compliment to tell them how you believe the two of you relate in some way. It’s flattering to learn that someone thinks you are just as good as them, and they will look at you as a friend on the same playing field.
Get your way. Flattery will get you everywhere. If you compliment people on a skill that they have, they will be eager to show it off for you. (i.e. let someone know what a great singing voice they have, and they’re likely to sing you a note or two).
Reveal wisdom. Complimenting a person on their intelligence or outlook on a certain subject will encourage them to mentor you, and tell you a bit more about what they know. This technique appeals to peoples inner teacher and works wonders for getting powerful and knowledgeable people to reveal tricks of the trade.

The key to being successful with compliment techniques is to be sincere. This means that when you use a compliment that is blatantly false, you will seem as though you are waging an attack on the person.

If you aren’t sure what I mean, consider the following scenario. You are 100 lbs overweight, and someone tells you that you look exceptionally skinny. It’s a big lie, and it just points out your insecurity. You want to avoid doing that to other people.

The best way for you to see how compliments can be used to control conversations is to take these techniques into the field. Try a couple of them on a friend, or random person, and let us know the level of success that you obtain.

Alex Shalman

Alex Shalman is a graduate student who writes passionately and extensively about communication, relationships and personal development.

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Bruno says on November 23rd, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Complimenting a woman’s hair is one of the easiest ways to lighten the mood. It may sound sexist (and so it probably is) but it has always worked for me. Young or old, hard as nails or friendly. It has never failed.
shalman says on November 23rd, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Hair works great, as do nails. Outfits are even better! =)
Advice Network says on November 24th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Could you give an example of “Strengthen connections?”
Like This? says on November 24th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
> Outfits are even better!
“Gee that dress looks good on you… …it’d look even better on my bedroom floor”
Nemo says on November 24th, 2007 at 10:35 pm
I liked the article… It was very interesting and gave me something to think about.
I would like to second A.N.’s question about the “Strengthen connections” section. (Thanks for pointing it out, A.N., I didn’t really know which part was giving me trouble until I read through the comments.) I guess I would say if several people are pointing it out, it might need a little more explaining.
jost says on November 25th, 2007 at 1:38 am
Hi. I am Jost Hoogie.
What is the worst compliment you have received?
Thank you in advance.
-Jost Hoogie
Gamma says on November 25th, 2007 at 2:00 am
Hmm a good post indeed. However I am curious for you bring up an example on “Engage networking.” (I would like to have a scenario and the specific words of the compliment.)
Eee says on November 25th, 2007 at 2:44 am
“let someone know you think they’re a terrific connector”
How would you let someone know this?
Any examples?
Firmalar says on November 25th, 2007 at 8:22 am
Great..
ninja success says on November 25th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I have used these techniques and have found them to be quite helpful!
Alex Shalman says on November 25th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
A.N. and Nemo,
I’m going to answer your question about strengthening connections. This basically means to build rapport.
Wikipedia defines rapport as “one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in “sync”, being on the same “wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking.”
One of the major methods for building rapport is via body language techniques. However, I found that regular language, specifically compliments are a great addition to this process.
One thing you could say is “I feel very comfortable talking to you, because I feel like you and I are very similar”.
This phrase indirectly compliments the person for making you feel at ease, and reinforces your similarity. This causes the person to drop their guard, and enables them to be less judgmental towards you – after all you’re just like them.
Alex Shalman says on November 25th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Gamme and Eee. Allow me to clarify what I mean by Engage networking and share an example with you.
“Bob, I can’t help but notice that you are so friendly and out going. You seem like the type of person that enables strong and genuine connections when introducing people.”
What this compliment does first is strokes the ego of the person you are talking to. Next, you let them know that you value their skill of being a great connector. Once you impress this fact upon them, they may be so inclined as to show that skill off, by helping you connect with people.
Humpert says on November 25th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
“The key to being successful with compliment techniques is to be sincere. This means that when you use a compliment that is blatantly false, you will seem as though you are waging an attack on the person.”
I just thought I’d reiterate this important point after reading comments from Nemo and Gamma
Theodore says on November 25th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
RETARD LIAR
Mao Tsedong says on November 25th, 2007 at 7:57 pm
Alex, wonderful job on this blog. It sure shows through that either you are a very social person, or sure have studied well! I’ve been reading a small book on “how to persuade people” and complimenting is mentioned in the book.
Awesome
Count Ludwig says on December 31st, 2007 at 10:34 pm
“Bob, I can’t help but notice that you are so friendly and out going. You seem like the type of person that enables strong and genuine connections when introducing people.” What is this Stepford Wives stuff? Are you nuts? Are you a robot?
David says on January 8th, 2008 at 2:51 am
I have two techniques – both very effective:
To a complete stranger, find one single thing that you like and you know they have made a discretionary choice in wearing or using. Preface it with “excuse me for asking” followed by “do you mind me asking what brand of spectacles/shoes/pen/briefcase/handbag that is? I do admire them/it”
It has NEVER failed me and I suppose it can give you room to exit if they don’t respond positively.
Second tip, usually to someone you’re already speaking to but want to kick things along OR as a way of instantly attracting their focus: Pick one genuinely real physically trait and comment on it.
I have used “I’m sure you’ve been told this by many people and I hope you don’t mind me repeating it; you have the most beautiful teeth/hair/hands/neck” “That may sound strange for me to say but I just can’t help commenting” For a girl to a guy, I guess you can work out something appropriately worded
This approach works for everyone from a super model, the boss, an angry person, a fat person, a drunk, someone upset, the life of the party, a child, an old person… The only proviso is it HAS to be genuine and obviously something they are probably proud of themself.
Alex Shalman says on January 8th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
David, those sound like two wonderful techniques. I’ll certainly try them today at the book signing I’m attending. Thanks!
me says on January 22nd, 2008 at 6:13 am
>>> ki55ing a55 <<<
Paul says on February 16th, 2008 at 8:58 am
Using Questions To Control Communication
Excellent Information. Logical advice we should all consider using. I find it very similiar to verbal judo.
firmalar says on May 3rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’ll certainly try them today at the book signing I’m attending. thank you
assos says on May 4th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
The key to being successful with compliment techniques is to be sincere.
firma says on September 24th, 2008 at 8:46 am
thanks
kafkas says on October 29th, 2008 at 7:02 am
thank you
Jmaez says on January 15th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
just a tip, be specific in your comliments.
example: “i like your hair” <— to generic. ” i like the highlights in your hair” <—- specific and personalized – shows them you notice details.
Firma Rehberi says on September 2nd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
this very usefull. thanks.
Sofia says on October 19th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Thanky Nice Post….