November 9th, 2006 in Communication, Featured, Lifehack

Top 10 Telemarketer Repellant

First, I must confess this is not all my work. I have a friend who sends me little snippets of things like this on a regular basis. This one was so good I wanted to share it with all the Lifehack community.

Second, I must also admit that in my youth I have worked in phone based sales. A simple “no thank you” always worked for me. But, some folks were a little more aggressive about things.

If you have ever been plagued by telemarkets here are some strategies (some not so nice) that should free up you phone line pretty quickly.

If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.

Reg Adkins writes on behavior and the human experience at (elementaltruths.blogspot.com).

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Reginald Adkins

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Andrew says on November 9th, 2006 at 10:37 am
How about having a little compassion for people that work in call centers and just politely telling them you aren’t interested, say “Goodbye”, and hang up?
Bill says on November 9th, 2006 at 11:11 am
Forget all of these things. As soon as you figure out it’s a telemarketer and you know you’re not interested, just cut in with:
“Please remove me from your call list.”
With these magic words, they never fail to say “Okay” or “We’ll do that” and then hang up. I have a feeling they’re not allowed to counter this request, and all they can do is accept what you want and end the pitch, the call, everything.
It NEVER fails to work.
Michael says on November 9th, 2006 at 11:32 am
I second Andrew’s suggestion. A polite request to be removed from the list is enough. There’s no good reason to creep out people working an already unpleasant job.
Reg Adkins says on November 9th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Good tips folks!
Another good strategy (in the U.S. anyway) is to add your number to the “do not call registry.” It screens out the vast majority of the callers who follow the guidelines for doing business. Still, you get a few who refuse to comply with the standards.
Reg Adkins says on November 9th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Oops forgot the registry link.
https://telemarketing.donotcall.gov
Reg
Susan says on November 9th, 2006 at 2:04 pm
Almost everyone finds telemarketers annoying, but there is absolutely no excuse to be mean to people who are just trying to make a living.
I have a lot less respect for lifehack.org after this post.
Abe says on November 9th, 2006 at 4:00 pm
My opinion is that the article is funny. I enjoyed it (even number 6, which I had seen before on Seinfeld), and I don’t plan on using any of these lines the next time a telemarketer calls.
Maarburg says on November 9th, 2006 at 4:20 pm
Always start out nice.
“I’m sorry, I’m right in the middle of something else.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just not interested right now, thank you.”
Know the difference between telemarketing and telesales.
Asked to be removed from thier call list. Get the name of the company and their operator ID.
..and yes, there is reason to be rude.
I used to get calls from the Sheriff’s department almost every week. I sent them a donation.. and they kept calling. I asked to be removed from their call list. Tried all the normal, polite, civil things.
They still called every week.
Finally, I just screamed obscenities into the phone.
They never called back.
Maarburg’s Silver Rule of communication:
“It’s easier to go from Mr. Niceguy to Mr. A-hole than the other way around.”
Dwangerous says on November 9th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Either hang up or ask to be removed. There’s no need to waste someone’s time or be a douchebag.
Stan says on November 9th, 2006 at 11:07 pm
This should be called “things I just came up with that will be amusing to post on my blog”
Kaizer says on November 10th, 2006 at 1:10 am
I agree with Dwangerious, above.
Just hang up or asked to be removed. If they persist then have a copy of the following and give them a taste of their own medicine:
http://www.xs4all.nl/~egbg/counterscript.html
John says on November 10th, 2006 at 1:45 am
I find that a simply-put “I don’t buy anything from telemarketers, thanks,” seems to be pretty difficult to argue with.
One problem (which Maarburg notes) is that it’s often a call center with multiple call lists. Asking to be removed from “the call list” will get you removed from that *particular* charity’s list, but not the list of the company that’s actually placing the calls.
The other thing I find extremely annoying is a method of dialing that Xentel uses, which is often referred to as “Bulk Dialing,” and involves the call center dialing way more numbers than they have staff, and putting the first “x” number of callers who say “Hello?” twice through to the call center folks. Means that it’s not impossible for you to get 3, 4, or as many as 8 “hang up” calls from a number, for months on end.
Kinda hard to get off their multitude of lists if you can’t even *talk* to anyone…
Al Maloney says on November 10th, 2006 at 8:23 am
One evening I was having a discussion with my wife and daughter-in-law when I answered the phone – a telemarketer.
I asked “Do you realize that I was having intercourse with my wife and daughter-in-law?” — A long period of silence ensued. Then the telemarketer hung up after saying “I’m sorry.”
I did not tell her that the intercourse was verbal, not sexual.
Al Maloney
Tricia says on November 10th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
I agree with Bill. The best way, ime, is to say “Please remove this number from your telemarketing list.” I’ve only had one person over the course of a number of years who lost it and kept talking and talking, his voice getting louder and louder. Him, I hung up on (after saying the above). Everyone else has been polite and agreed to remove our number.
Also, the registry does help. We still get occasional calls, but Caller ID has REALLY helped to screen those out.
daddydave says on November 10th, 2006 at 1:18 pm
“Just trying to make a living” is no excuse for the human rodents who invade my inner sanctum and destroy my concentration by calling me continually all day and night. You may as well say spammers are “just trying to make a living”
That said, these suggestions are so humorously over-the-top, any telemarketer who doesn’t realize they are in jest is probably beyond help.
Fantastic post!
Sophie says on November 10th, 2006 at 3:06 pm
Why would anyone *want* to play these puerile games with a telemarketer? Simply in order to make the telemarketer hang up first? Woo, you made the telemarketer hang up. *clang* Just listen to those brass balls!
A brief request to “Add this number to your Do Not Call List, thanks” would “free up you phone line” much more quickly in the short and long run.
Like Susan I have a lot less respect for Lifehack as a result of this post.
Dean Johnson says on November 10th, 2006 at 7:02 pm
I decided long ago that it isn’t just a matter of hanging up on them, I had to leave a little something behind when I hang up. When they say their name, I give them a distraught “oh”. Then say “I was molested as a child by someone named . I have to hang up now”. In the unlikely event that they have any sort of soul, it will stick with them.
I put telemarketers in the same scum category as spammers. I did the job for 3 days and found that the best people at the job are indeed scum. When you have a canned response for a recent widow that says “I’m sure your husband would have wanted to…”. That is scum. They can rot in hell.
Dean Johnson says on November 10th, 2006 at 7:08 pm
I disagree that they should be treated with respect. They have come into my home and disturbed me and consequently are there for my entertainment. Same goes for door to door salesmen and political candidates. Its great fun to see how long you can keep a minion of a political candidate engaged. My wife usually rescues them by calling me to the phone.
Mark A. says on November 10th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
For some things, you can get rid of them by telling them you are “under contract” and can’t change phone/internet/water/gas/electricity/etc plans.
Dale H. says on November 10th, 2006 at 11:14 pm
For Telemarketers, I usually say “I’m not wearing any pants”. Then, when they stumble for a second and get back in to their script, I’ll ask “Are you wearing any pants?” Regardless of how they respond, I follow up with “I’m not wearing any pants at all.” I never get more detailed or crude, but usually within 3 or 4 references to my lack of pants, they hang up. For political calls, I usually ask where the candidate stands on the “insert heinous taboo here” issue. That has always ended the call immediately. Now, the really special ones are the religious visitors that come door to door. I always tell them “If I could ask God only one question, I would ask her how she feels to be black.” Then I casually close the door as they stagger back in a stupor. They always just walk away scratching their heads.
JtotheA says on November 11th, 2006 at 11:17 pm
I hear everyone keep saying, say to remove from lists etc.
But try this one first: “No thanks. I’m broke.”
If you think you aren’t, you will be if you waste your time and theirs shortly.
If you get anything back, just say, nope you don’t have any money.
Done and done.
Jay says on November 14th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
whenever some telemarketer would call for my mom, i’d say “Oh, she’s dead.” She always thought this was hilarious.
alf says on November 20th, 2006 at 8:50 pm
most of these suck because, let’s face it, most people will not use them.
And what’s with stealing one of them from Seinfeld? *Shakes head in disgust*
Being plain rude means that a telemarketer will hit the reload button, just to piss you off. Telling them you’re in contract means they call back in 6 months to see if you are out of contract. Telling them that you’re on welfare and broke means they prob won’t call because there is nothing they will take. Telling them that you will never buy from a telemarketer and then hanging up in the first 20 seconds usually gets you out of the database :)
ScottR says on February 14th, 2007 at 4:24 am
Usually I am civil and will politly but firmly Say I’m not interested please remove me from the list and never call me again, then hang up. Reapeated offenders and the bulk dialers that hang up on you three times a day they really get under my skin. Repeats get several crazy treatments. First Silence leaving them to wonder who answers the phone and says nothing. Next I’ll smack the wall or kitchen table open handed and scream I’ve been shot. If they are from India or have a thick accent I will Mock their accent and parrot them.
Bulk Diallers get the full psycho. I track down the company if at all possible using the number from my caller ID and internet,find out all their other phone numbers and prank them continuously for my own amusement. If you think this is childish you obviously have not had the same scum phone you and hang up three or four times every day for weeks on end.
bottom line is if everybody treated telemarketers like trash and didn’t buy anything they were selling then they would have no profit motive to keep bugging the crap out of us.
Noah says on May 13th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
what you all fail to realize is that the “good” telemarketers have heard it all before and can recognize the b.s. . . . all of it. i make 300 calls a day and have for about 2 years. usually the harder you try to piss them off the more they enjoy it. its a crappy job and getting people to act extremely childish and put so much time into simply telling you “no” is still a successful call even if it is only in the telemarketers head. they are bored too. the funny thing too is that most telemarketing these days telesales and it is because you have requested information about a certain product. if you could just get over yourself and act like a reasonable, professional adult and listen to what the person has to say they could probably help educate you and get you a good deal on a product you’re going to get eventually anyway.
MabeFan says on September 10th, 2007 at 5:12 am
Ok, I’m guessing that most of the people who disagreed with having a little fun with the telemofos either have worked as one in the past or have large trees stuck in their anuses…well…dislodge them, cuz if i’m gonna be harrassed every night by the stupid automatic dial hang-up jokers…and if i’m gonna have to talk to someone who’s reading from a script usually from another state/country…i’m gonna for damn sure make it a little more enjoyable for me!
And, I’d like to add that I’d LOVE to be called by one of the many telemidiots that you people claim are so curtious and politely hang up…it doesn’t matter how sincere and nice i am…i NEVER get a good-bye…i get cold hang-ups EVERY time…and they are so rude that the script has become “where should i send the stickers you will receive for your $25 donation” rather than even asking if I will be giving $25!…and then they follow up with…”well, I’ll put you down for $10 then” even when I tell them I’m broke!
I have no pity for them…go work at Micky D’s or Wally World and STOP CALLING ME!
One more thing…if any of you actually give money, time, or business to any of the companies that do this to me….
YOU SUCK!
Random Raccoon says on August 26th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Whenever you get a telemarketing call, just tell them that you in your line of work, you do the same service, or sell the same product, that they are offering, and that makes you their competitor. That ends the conversation right there.