10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

David A says on May 21st, 2007 at 9:18 am

All these statements make perfect sense, but miss out the hardest part: how?

“Stop taking so much notice of how you feel” – How?

“Let go of worrying” – How?

“Give up on feeling guilty.” – How?

I think the people most in need of these changes are probably the ones who find it most difficult to carry them out – precisely because they are ruled by their feelings and do not feel in control of them.

corey says on May 21st, 2007 at 9:32 am

The answere to “How?” is not constant for every individual. If you aren’t inspired buy the statements without needing to be spoon fed more, perhaps you’ll never get it. The resolution is just a simple as the ideas presented. The clarity of awareness can be amazing.

Great article today! The first paragraph was the best, it seemed very existential. For better or worse it is what it is.

John Wesley says on May 21st, 2007 at 9:47 am

I like the last point about personality not really existing. Very true, but it isn’t something people every talk about.

William M says on May 21st, 2007 at 10:13 am

Surely this is an article telling you the way to succeed is to not be human. Aren’t our feelings what make us who we are and whether we’re happy more important. I though you’re life was mucked up if you were miserable and had no friends. Do you really want to get money or a successful career at the sacrifice of who you are? It is perfectly possible to succeed and deal with your emotions becoming a balanced human being.

Brian @ BasicHabits says on May 21st, 2007 at 4:35 pm

I disagree with most of these. I think the best way to avoid ‘messing up your life’ is by trying to live a well balanced one.

If ALL you do is these 10 things, you will certainly be in trouble. However, each of these can certainly be useful (and vital) to living a balanced life and working to continuously improve your life.

Having introspection is a virtue, not a vice, IMO.

Travis says on May 21st, 2007 at 5:01 pm

Excellent post! I think the question of “How?” asked above can be answered in this way (amongst others) – By being in the Here-Now rather than the There-Then of your fantasies, memories and worries. There-Then is useful for planning and action setting, but not for living.

donnie says on May 21st, 2007 at 7:25 pm

A fantastic rendition of core buddhist principles. Anyone wondering how just google buddhist meditation and the simpler the better.

anon says on May 21st, 2007 at 7:50 pm

I can think of one way to answer the “How?” question: just become a robot. Automatons don’t have to worry about petty annoyances like wanting things, worrying out of love, having a personality, etc.

I hate articles like this. If everybody could sever their emotional connection with their lives, sure they’d be happy, but their life would lose all meaning.

Monks and other people who dedicate their lives to these pursuits are the only ones who can pull it off – and is that really the life you want to live?

Anonymous Dude says on May 21st, 2007 at 9:12 pm

A lot of the above advice sounds very similar to Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, a very respected school of thought in psychology that has been tested for many years and found to be quite effective in treating depression, among other things.

Webomatica says on May 21st, 2007 at 9:57 pm

Interesting list, but as I agree with the above, only Spock would have an easy time with it.

And I hate to say it but the above person sounds really boring be in a relationship with. You could say goodbye to empathy, or love for that matter…. “oh, this love feeling is an emotion and it will pass”. “You have no personality, so I’m in love with your actions…”

ernie says on May 21st, 2007 at 10:01 pm

anon said

“I hate articles like this. If everybody could sever their emotional connection with their lives, sure they’d be happy, but their life would lose all meaning.”

This article had nothing to do with severing emotional connections, and everything to do with letting go of your fear, fear which produces hate and diminishes your ability to love, hate which you’re full of – you even hate articles. You have a lot to gain from really meditating on this article’s message, anon, and nothing to lose but fear and hate.

Ian Wilker says on May 21st, 2007 at 11:12 pm

I second ernie — I can understand why people would think the writer is prescribing an emotional lobotomy, but that’s not at all been my experience of practicing the actions recommended here.

I think the writer is suggesting that if we work at it we can become aware of the continuous river of feelings and thoughts as they pass through our bodies and minds. 99% of the time, that river has almost nothing to do with what is actually real and present, in this moment. At least, that’s how it is for me. When I am able to pry open just a little bit of space and actually notice the dissonance between that chaotic, turbulent river of mental chatter on one hand, and what “is,” right this moment, on the other — when this happens for me, I gain some power of choice. I can begin to let go of, to disidentify with, recurring thoughts and feelings that repeat on me endlessly, have nothing to do with what’s present in my life today, and merely cause stress and suffering. I suspect all people get stuck on negative thought patterns, to greater or lesser degree anyway; what this writer is suggesting is that it IS possible to stop attaching to those thought patterns.

As for how, I suggest:
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
Thich Nhat Han, The Miracle of Mindfulness
Charlotte “joko” Beck, Nothing Special: Living Zen

… and practice meditating. Hardest thing I’ve ever done, but when I stick with it I am rewarded.

paulo says on May 21st, 2007 at 11:28 pm

So basically, just don’t care about stuff. I have to admit, I do feel a bit better when I stop caring about anything, so this is all probably good advice.

BeezerkyTurkey says on May 21st, 2007 at 11:44 pm

Thanks mate, a lot of these points make a lot of sense. I often worry about life too much and think that at the age of 26 i haven’t accomplished all that i have wanted too. Your article was very helpful :-)

Norman says on May 21st, 2007 at 11:59 pm

Not bad, but a better list is found in:
Rules of Life by Richard Templar

ISBN-10: 0131743961

Glenn says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:45 am

Regarding the question of “how?” Check out methods such as The Work (thework.com), EFT (emofree.com), or the Sedona Method.

Have fun letting go!

Sam says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:48 am

Nope, sorry. This is almost as bad as “The Secret” stuff that is being released. If you do all of these things, you miss out on the greatest challenge of all…LIVING Your Life.
Yes, I agree with certain aspects of the article, but to not feel, to not care, you might as well NOT BE.
This is a sad state of affairs when the advice people want to hear is “Don’t worry, don’t care”. It is the easiest way to lose yourself, whatever you may be or become. Yes, too much of anything is bad. Take life and its pitfalls in moderation. The only thing that can stop you is dying, and if you think this is good advice, you are already dead inside.

theja says on May 22nd, 2007 at 2:21 am

thats true; the more we are attached to ourselves [esp physically] the more problems we face/feel more stress;

eywillis15 says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:32 am

i read the first two and gave up. total contradiction. if you “can’t stop yourself from thinking or prevent emotions from arising in your mind”, then how can you “let go of worrying”?

Toxic Oreo says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:33 am

Personality is defined by Cognitive Behavioral Theory as a series of behaviors that a person exhibits that fall into a specific pattern that tends to be repeated on a normal basis.

With that in mind, it does exist. Personality is indeed mutable and capable of sustaining long term variance, but it is ruled by the individual’s internal cognition which can only be measured through observed behaviors.

The ideas presented by the initial post are not novel, nor are they very deep. They are basic, and any student in my Introductory Psych class could come up with them after less than 2 weeks of attending class. Therin lies the problem with the list; it is so simple that it seems intellectual and deep when in reality it attempts to provide answers for questions that it does not establish working definitions for.

But, hey, it is psychology. Everybody is an expert in it after all.

Dewilde says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:51 am

There is a book and movie about this exact story. The way of the peaceful warrior, a novel by Dan Millman, later directed by Victor Salva, a Liongate film. If you want to be at peace with your self, id suggest you’re step is reading Dan millman Way of the peaceful warrior.

The book is about a arogant jong student who wonders in an all-night-gasstation for a late night snack. He meets a man he will soon name socrates, a mentor that will change his life.

Dewilde,
..about half-way there.

Adam says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:51 am

Just a load of crap. I agree with so many of the previous internautes; this is bullcrap.

Alec Holmes says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:52 am

Youve got to be kidding, i thought this would be a list of inspiring infomation, a way to enlighten yourself.
This list is more like a way to get through life without giving a damn, whats the point in living if your not gonna think, or have emotion, the concept of not acknowledging your own emotion or thoughts is ignorant, since you should acknowledge them, to better yourself.
Guilt. Worry. Inner Critic, these are all mechinsms for dealing with life, and again are a way to better yourself, when you feel guilt it helps you to acknowledge that youve done something wrong, and thus you can move on and learn from the mistake, by ignoring guilt, you are actively ignoring a chance to better yourself. Worrying can be cut down on, but not forgotten, worrying is caused by presure in a situation, if you didnt worry about anything, nothing would get done that needed doing, deadlines would not be nearly as threatening. And an inner critic is like a conscious, it helps you decide whether your actions are a good idea or not.
This list is a falicy, and can only lead to lonely shallowness of character.

Monkpalmer says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:55 am

The sad truth is that we can control neither our feelings nor actions. The brain’s a material object. Causes act on material objects. There are no other kinds of object.
On the happy side, we’ll all be dead soon.

Jason says on May 22nd, 2007 at 7:11 am

The advice sounds good in theory. All of us can choose to avoid things we dislike, or stop thinking those megative thoughts, then low and behold, some member of the family, a friend, a boss or an authority figure comes along and says, “Why aren’t you doing like everyone else?” As you state, control freaks. I’ve meet 4 people in my life that did me harm in this way.

You can blame me for listening or doing their way. I can blame me too.

Sometimes it takes options. Because I have ALL READY sufficiently messed up at 34, in ways you haven’t, I am stuck with the knowledge of what people will allow me to do.

I have tried change for the last year. Really, really tried. Put thought and words down to describe what I would like. It may take me a few more years…

Hope, doubt, dreams, ambition, action, belief are just a few of the watch words of anything to do with improving self.

This has been all over – but I have a book of how nots to write.

Norbert says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:04 am

I think this is nonsense.
Its much better to think what you want and then thinking of getting there !
And thinking a lot of how to get there.
Thats the way it works, otherwise you are the guy from point 10 :
“Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one”

Cheers!

Stomper says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:07 am

You have just accurately described how to be a psychopath. If that’s the way you really operate, then it’s you who should see a psychiatrist.

RandomCrazy says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:14 am

So basically you can stop messing up your life by becoming a mindless drone? I’d rather listen to the opinions of others and myself and make myself a better person and sit around enjoying that fact. If I enjoy my life then I haven’t messed it up.

Irv says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:20 am

For the 80 percent of us that are mentally healthy, there is a little known resource for how the brain works that will answer the “How?” question.

Check out “Psycho-Cybernetics”, a quick read written years ago, by Dr. Maxwell Maltz.

You will learn that understanding the mechanism that the brain uses to keep us alive will allow us to have conscious control of our behavior. You will understand that habits are physical not psychological.

Understanding this concept will reveal why most people “do not” succeed when dieting or trying to quit smoking and “how” you can.

mikeligalig says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:25 am

If you’re a Christian: why worry when you can pray?

Most of the things that make us worried don’t really happen. More than 98 % of them are merely fictional.

davide says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:29 am

Adrian offer guidance here, not commandments. That’s been done, and they don’t tell you how to live, only what not to do.

I believe others are mistaking “don’t worry so much about how you are feeling” for “not feeling.” Thereby missing the moon, for the finger.

well says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:40 am

It’s soooooo easy telling others what to do, isn’t it?

Hey, don’t feel guilty! Just don’t do it. Yeah, that simple. A lot of these things you list take some people years of therapy to achieve. Simply telling someone “don’t do it” is as useless as the 5 minutes I spent skimming this.

Elanor says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:45 am

These are very good suggestions, and alot of people are misinterpreting them far too seriously.
Letting go of your worries and apprehensions won’t make you a robot. If anything, it will make your day to day life less stressful. I know, I worry far too much about what others thing of me, and restrict myself because of some unwarranted fears.

George says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 am

I liked this post. Nice.

I believe in the opposite of a couple of those things and sometimes convince myself I’m happy. It’s weird.

As for the people who say, simply saying “don’t do that” is pointless, it’s different. Some of us, me for example, have no clue we’re doing that. Running through the list and matching it to myself I see what’s going on. Some of that stuff I’d just assumed was normal behaviour.

kathaclysm says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:02 am

This seems like total crap to me… it reminds me a bit of “the secret” crap. Stop thinking negatively? Most of what this list is saying is “be less depressed and you won’t mess up your life,” if anyone’s so depressed that they need this advice, they probably need to see a doctor.

While nobody should wallow in self pity & their own emotional pain, it’s just fine to take pride in good things & cultivate happiness in one’s self, so one should notice when they feel happy!

And while there is a point of worrying too much, not matter how much I worry about an asteroid, that has no effect on whether or not an asteroid will hit me. Worrying is only useless when it’s about things you can’t do anything about, but if worrying makes you more prepared, then it’s helpful.

Everyone has an internal life commentary… it’s not all good or all bad… and it’s really funny on Scrubs.

Again, an inner critic and guilt are like worrying; it’s good when it motivates you to do better.

It is true that we shouldn’t be so concerned what everyone around us thinks, but the better way to state this would be to say; you are only in control of your own actions, you can’t control other people. If you’re spending money on stuff to impress others, that’s bad. But if you care what your boss thinks about you, and do a better job because of it, that’s positive.

When you shouldn’t keep score is with friends & family; don’t play tit-for-tat with other people. I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine is petty; help others when you can, not just when you owe them one.

Nothing in life goes according to plan, and of course that’s no reason to be concerned. Live life with no expectations, but lots of hope & be happy when things are going well, even if not on schedule.

In addition to not letting others blame you for their failings, don’t blame others for your own failings.

You do have a personality; you were born with it, it’s in your genes, it’s been scientifically proven, and it’s very hard for a leopard to change his spots. It’s not impossible, but you have to really want to change, just like you can’t change others, others can’t change you.

Overall, this was a stupid list. Ways to not mess up your life would be stay in school, don’t rack up credit-card debt, don’t buy things you can’t afford, don’t have a child before you’re ready emotionally & financially, don’t marry just for love, choose a careerer you don’t hate, etc.

Onkel Hedwig says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:04 am

This list sounds like a guideline for psychos.
Follow it and you will soon go postal

ddt says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:05 am

I would rephrase the first item to be:
“Be aware of how you feel but don’t be obsessed with them [your feelings]”

Allowing ourselves to identify our feelings and to feel them helps us grow.

I also think it is important that we need to be aware of our thoughts. Thoughts that are critical can pull us down. We have the capability of changing habits of thinking.

oluxxx says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:10 am

I think there is a litte misunderstanding here. The author isn’t saying you have to turn off your feeling in general, but only ease on you negative feelings like guilt, thinking what others think of you and worrying. and fear is the only source for these kind of things.

but my most favorite point is about making scores and planning too much. this is true because you CAN NOT live your life without risking. Risk is everywhere, so you can as well flow with it. And if it dosn’t convince you: numbers in any complex context are bullcrap. so planning is just a mix of fear and false information.

Ascii King says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:18 am

What a useless bunch of advice. Let go of all fears and concerns and you too can live a better life? My ability to worry helps me keep my kids safe because it keeps any dangerous situation they might be in on my mind so I can keep contemplating solutions. To say not to be concerned that my life is not following my plan is another dumb one. Just because I am concerned about life not following my plan doesn’t mean my plan is rigid. All of this is stuff you can say that doesn’t mean anything.

Finally, just to add a little more negativity onto this, the poster who said “if you don’t understand how perhaps you never will” is just being rude. You are implying that you are in an elite class that “gets it” and that the questioner is too stupid to be part of that class and too stupid to benefit from these types of articles. It has been my experience that people who are unable to explain an answer to someone else, simply don’t actually know the answer.

Tiriel says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:50 am

For further advice on this whole subject, read the Tao Te Ching, the Hua Hu Ching and related bibliography. It did help me to get the point.

Tantowi says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:52 am

Forget about how you look, and concentrate on how you feel. Figure out what makes you feel sensual and wonderful—whether it’s bubble baths, pedicures, massage, sex, naps, running or tennis. Plan more of these good feelings into your schedule.

Dean says on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:58 am

sounds like management conditioning to me

Zeb says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:02 am

In summary:
Don’t worry, Be Happy
:)

David says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:05 am

This is the stupidest bunch of horseshit I have ever read. I disagree completely with every one of the 10 recommendations. Don’t think about consequences. Don’t care about others. Don’t take responsbility for your actions. Don’t try or strive. This is a formula for someone who wants to live a worthless, destructive life.

Michael says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:08 am

@oluxxx:

Finally, someone in this thread understands the point of this article.

Moreover, I think these are presented as guidelines, not as a personal reprogramming regiment. They’re ideals to aspire to; realize that our nature will not change overnight.

I align myself very much with Buddhist principles, but I still find myself being judgmental (especially of myself), comparing myself to others and holding myself to impossibly high standards. Although greatly improved, my need for approval from others is hard to shake. The difference now is that I often overcome these emotions quickly, and they don’t rule me. I suspect it will be many years before my nature will be truly different, but that’s okay.

To sum it overly simplistically… relax. Bob Marley said it well… “don’t worry about a thing, cause every little thing gonna be alright”.

Jennifer says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:15 am

You shouldn’t completely ignore or give up your feelings/emotions. I prefer to recognize them for what they are and respond to them appropriately. Often my emotions let me know that something isn’t right and further explanation is needed. Like the article said, it’s your actions that matter. Guilt lets me know I have done something I should have done differently. The real issue is dwelling on that guilt. Don’t dwell; take note of it and change your actions or reactions to things.

Viet says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:15 am

I definitely can see how these would be steps to treat depression as someone mentioned. But overall, they are steps to becoming more selfish.

Sigmund Freud says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:37 am

What a nice piece of crap. This is a recipe for getting a psychiatric condition known as alexithymia (see Wikipedia), which could get you into some serious diseases.

RickW says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:48 am

#2 is made impossible by #1. Letting go of fear is doing something about fear. But #1 says I should just let my emotions be, since I can do nothing about them. So right off the bat, you’ve lost me.

RickW says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:50 am

Oh, by the way: any list of ways to save yourself from messing up your life that excludes “Don’t get into credit card debt” is a waste.

matt says on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:59 am

I’ve known people that are able to live like this. They are happy but are some of the worst people I’ve known. They are the people that make me think negatively about the human race. They’re individual happiness comes at the expense of everyone around them. They don’t care what others think, don’t feel bad when they ruin other peoples time or things…they’re just pretty much oblivious, selfish people who do what they want, when they want and don’t mind getting in everyone’s way.

Michael says on May 22nd, 2007 at 11:01 am

@Viet: I don’t think so. Selfishness is linked to the ego. Take a look at The Four Noble Truths as a starting point for why.

@Sigmund: I think that’s fairly unlikely. If you read your own reference’s etiology, you’ll see why a few guidelines are hardly capable of producing psychological disorders.

@RickW: The point is that you should not focus too intently on your emotions and realize that they are fleeting. That includes fear and worry. Dwelling upon any one particular thought or insecurity is not productive.

It is easy to read this as “just stop caring”. That is not what it is saying. It is trying to say to stop caring “so much”… a big difference. It is trying to say that you shouldn’t let your emotions get the best of you, not that you should wipe them all from your mind. Emotions are hugely important. Who wants to live without love? What’s the point?

I agree that some of the points could have been phrased more accurately. Try giving it a little more thought as to how these could be applied lightly, non-destructively to your life as it is now. These ideas all work together, in close consort.

Many people spend years integrating some of these ideas… some get it right away. Some people just are this way without any ideological influence. So, before you pass judgment so quickly, maybe you should try a few changes on for size… see how they fit. Instead of assuming you can’t make it work, try to put the puzzle pieces together.

Thank you all for a great article and great discussion!

Frederick says on May 22nd, 2007 at 11:14 am

Some of these ideas are terrible advice.

If you’ve read any psychological literature in the past 30 – 40 years you’d know that

a) your thinking is under your control
b) your thinking affects how you feel and behave

Notes on worrying: pay attention to what you’re worrying about. It could be an indicator that something is wrong, and an impulse to make changes in your life; on the other hand, people do worry excessively and needlessly as well. It is important to analyse and decide whether or not you’re worrying needlessly or realistically. For example, if there’s some poison leaking into the local water supply, that’s a very good reason to worry.

Wisdom is knowing when to worry and when not to worry. this is something learned, not instinctual.

Learning to not worry over harmless things is a good idea, but to just shrug off worrying leaves you blind to serious and real problems that might be affecting you or others. Not worrying is just apathy.

Same thing with feeling guilty. If you give up on your feelings of guilt, you risk cutting yourself off from your internal ethical meter. True, people generally feel too guilty, or guilty about things they need not feel guilty about. The point is learning rational guilt – where you did something you consider wrong or unethical. Feeling guilt will motivate you to correct the wrongs you might have committed; feeling no guilt makes you sociopathic.

As for not paying attention to how you feel, that’s crazy. Your emotions, thoughts and behaviour are interconnected; and so your emotions can be a valuable source of information that something is not right and needs to be changed. That said, using your emotions as a form of reasoning is irrational. Feeling something is true does not make it so.

The idea is to calibrate your feelings and thoughts in a way that helps you survive and thrive in your environment. Cutting yourself off from your feelings leaves you disadvantaged, lacking in a valuable source of information. Just because people overstate their feelings does not mean feelings are useless. The key is not to overreact, to find the right point of balance between feeling and functionality. Advocating anhedonia is irresponsible, dysfunctional.

harley says on May 22nd, 2007 at 11:18 am

this is a dum article.

“Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one.”

got it

” If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it,”

change what? personality? thought i dont have one

and the author cant say nothing

“Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. ”

..

Shawn says on May 22nd, 2007 at 11:42 am

For anyone for whom this article “twigged” a desire to dig deeper, study Zen. Most of the (with all due respect) watered down advice presented here are diluted from Zen philosophy.

no one important says on May 22nd, 2007 at 11:53 am

Garbage. If it were that simple, no one would even need an article like this.

san says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:18 pm

excellent post Adrian! You clearly know what you’re talking about because I recently learned many of the same from my own experiences!

i will be looking out for posts from you!! thanks. – san

bitrez says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:18 pm

Simple buddhist tenets as many have already said. The point isn’t about becoming ambivalent.. it’s about awareness. I mean in the sense that there are some things you have absolutely no control over. Once you realize that whatever it is you are freaking out about is beyond your control the next step is take away the power it has over you. BUT, no one is saying don’t do anything at all or don’t have emotions. If your woman left you, for example, and you’re all upset you can try to get her back, but at some point you may have to accept that she is gone and there is nothing you can do about it. This is a simple truth that everyone can understand. Which, I think, is all this article is saying in a nutshell. I’m also not saying that I think people are machines and can just turn off their feelings. I wish I could sometimes.

It’s pretty telling about our ‘world’ when someone says ‘Hey, don’t worry about the things you can’t change’ and he gets jumped on and analyzed into little pieces. The commentary is a perfect example of worrying about meaningless sh*t.

Crabs in a bucket.

will says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:26 pm

what a crock. yeah, just turn this off, to thinking that, blah, blah. some of these suggestions I think are really jokes. don’t judge yourself, don’t feel guilty, don’t keep score, I’m a bum, but whatever. I know lots of people got this list already nailed.

alicia says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:30 pm

I’m going to go against the popular grain here and agree with bitrez above me (and very few others, it seems). This is a great post about awareness – NOT about becoming a robot, or boring, or emotionless, or whatever.

The reason people are interested in writing articles such as this is because there ARE individuals in the world who analyze everything TO DEATH rather than dealing with it, eventually accepting it for what it is, and moving on.

The majority of comments on this article just prove that point.

Big Bollocks says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:37 pm

Without infringing on the third paragraph I can definitely say that most of the comments posted so far are from a bunch of people that just don’t get it and are definitely prey of most of these, especially the first and third paragraph. These are not rules, just guides… use them as you see fit (or not). Always remember to keep an open mind, the moment you close it, you loose.
My favourite quote (and song): “Don’t worry, be happy!”
It’s fun looking from outside the box… you should try to do it more often.

Great post, keep up the good work.

Deathworks says on May 22nd, 2007 at 12:56 pm

Hi!

I got here via a link by a friend, so I am not really familiar with this place. So please excuse any improper behavior I may unknowingly show.

Anyhow, I would like to support the basic message of that article.

As far as the critics are concerned who condemned the article as preaching emotionlessness, I would like to suggest carefully re-reading the article.

In most cases, the article is about limiting emotional thought processes to a certain level instead of letting them get out of control.

In other cases, it suggests completely abandoning specific thought patterns that are both unproductive and self- destructive, like for instance feeling guilty for other people’s actions.

Of course, people are different, and thus the problems they are facing are different. There may be people who don’t face one or more of these problems, but by the same token there are those that do suffer from these problems, sometimes not even realizing.

However, unfortunately, I have to agree with the people asking about the ‘how’.

Well, actually I wouldn’t criticize the article about this, but rather point out that because of human individuality, the ‘how’ is by far too difficult to explain in such a way that it would work for everyone. It is something that must be discovered, in the end, on an individual basis.

As such, while this article does indeed give good advice, it can, at the same time be very painful for people who realize that it describes the very issues that make them suffer, while they find themselves unable to change the situation under their own power. This is really a very frustrating state of affairs.

I assure you, that such patterns as taking responsibility for other people’s actions beyond what is reasonable can become very strong and virtually unbreakable. If you are really suffering from these issues, it is not simply a matter of deciding ‘I will change that’. It is a lot of hard work.

Well, that is at least how I see things. Thank you for your understanding.

Deathworks

P.S.: Please don’t get confused by my pen name. It was chosen years ago for some other philosophical reasons and has no relevance for the issue this article is about.

yourdrum says on May 22nd, 2007 at 1:51 pm

Underneath the ten steps in your post is a spiritual identity which will emerge as you apply the steps you have laid out. If you turn any of these problems over to whatever you consider a higher power(from a sunset to Buddah) and not wrestle with them,you can achieve a higher degree of serenity. These problems are universal points of suffering, we as humans experience and through our lives try to trandscend.

John Abbe says on May 22nd, 2007 at 2:15 pm

I don’t think the author means to get rid of feelings altogether, but couldn’t pass the opportunity to notice the self-contradiction that arises when people imagine this. A commenter above who opposed the idea wrote: “If everybody could sever their emotional connection with their lives, sure they’d be happy, but their life would lose all meaning.” Of course, if we get rid of all emotions, we will not even be happy! (it’s an emotion to, yes?)

But i took the author in the more subtle way of just not letting yourself obsess about thoughts & feelings. Which seems like excellent advice, and i have two directions of advice for all the questions about how:

In the Just Do It direction, there’s meditation (Buddhist or otherwise) and other practices that support being present and in the moment. I’ve gotten a lot out of Vipassana meditation as taught by http://dhamma.org/ and a good friend who’s way into meditation suggests reading The Blossoming of a Lotus, in which Thich Nhat Hanh describes different kinds of meditation.

And, i share many people’s opinions that for most of us that’s a very long path by itself, and i’ve seen people even at the end of 10 days silent meditation fall right back into painful patterns of thought/speech. So there’s another fruitful direction – to connect deeply with what’s up behind thoughts and feelings. At first this may seem like more obsessing, but the purpose is to discover the life/spirit/divine/human behind these things, which robs them of their poison. Nonviolent Communication and Focusing are two processes i know of that help with this – see http://cnvc.org/ and http://www.focusing.org/

Alexander says on May 22nd, 2007 at 2:43 pm

This is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever read. I don’t have a personality…!?

You should headback to Psychology 101 you pathetic excuse for a human being.

Bucky from bloggingwv.com says on May 22nd, 2007 at 3:32 pm

It is one thing to type those words out…but implementing them into your life is an entirely different monster.

Will says on May 22nd, 2007 at 3:39 pm

So what you’re saying essentially is just become completely emotionally numb. That’ll make you happy.

Big Bollocks says on May 22nd, 2007 at 4:18 pm

You are not getting it… it all about awareness… like bitrez said by even stating an example you have to understand when there is nothing you can do in any given situation and move on with your life. This does not necessarily make you an emotional outcast, it may even hurt emotionally sometimes but you just have to learn to say ‘fuck it, I will not let that rule/ruin my life’ and move on. Why waste your precious time over something you cannot change? Nothing in here mentions that you have to become Mr. Spock…

3stripe says on May 22nd, 2007 at 4:41 pm

Thank you for this article. It’s a shame there’s so much negativity in the comments. I for one will be doing some reading on Zen.

oluxxx says on May 22nd, 2007 at 5:06 pm

I think the whole article is only for peaple, who already feel beyond materialistic fear. And the point is to: keep it real.

the other point is pretty unreasonable at first but maybe more comprehencive if you say: if you keep it real, everything is just fake, so you have to search for the real things in life, instead of following what you feel. because what you feel is controlled by society. And you don’t have to be a bad person if you “detach” yourself from society and this feeling. it CAN make you a bad person, but more likely, if you are determined to be a good person, follwoing these guidelines will make a much more better person out of you.

And you don’t lose you personality, you just think of yourself much differently. instead of “feeling” like you are a kind of person, you can “be” a person. You don’t compare yourself to enybody. You just do what YOU want to do. And like I said, if you are a bad person in the first place, you will become even more bad, but vice versa it is the same. You will become a much better person. You might manifest your own personality, like it realy is, not like it would be by normal thinking.

and normal thinking is a big subject. If you think normal, you are like the rest, so you don’t even have an own personality. Only if you find your own personality by not giving a damn what others think of you, you will have a true one.

In short, you must find a non-materialistic way of thinking, but still remain realistic as possible. And you have to risk your life to find things like love and don’t waist your life. If you live your life like it is seen mostly in our society, a very materialistic thing, you won’t find real love, ever. Furthermore personality is not your soul. If you mix this you will get in troble. Your personality is something that is formed by society and is realy just an illusion. Your soul is something else. Personality is something like the sheet around the soul. So if you want to reveal your soul, for you and for others, you have to quit thinking your personality is relevant. The only relevant thing is your soul, which to some people dosn’t have a big waight in their personality. Their personality is to the most part designed by society itself. And this makes your contience mind think like everyone elses, just plain normal. I think you have to strugle with yourself before you can understand this, thus a very difficult thing.

Sorry, I am not a native english speeker.

Thank you for reading and writing.

Oliver says on May 22nd, 2007 at 5:13 pm

Many people really don’t have a clue as to how their behaviour affects others, and would resent you even mentioning it to them. We live in a severely disfunctional world, and most folks just don’t care what others think anymore. Customer service sucks, fast food quality has degenerated, the right-of-way goes to the pedestrian only at risk of life & limb, we flame and savagely attack each other at online forums and posts, and people of all ages are rude and belligerent in public.
The real value of what was originally said above has to do with personal growth, and makes one part of the solution, rather than the problem.
Three things for all of us to consider:
1. “it is better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
2. “There is no quicker road to pure and total ignorance than contempt prior to investigation.”
3. “life’s a smorgasbord; take what you can use, and leave the rest.”

Josh says on May 22nd, 2007 at 5:46 pm

“I for one will be doing some reading on Zen.”

You forgot 11
11. Read this article and take action on it

…because this article’s great if you want to be a roofus doofus poor moron for the rest of your life.

Go drink another latte you hippy.

j says on May 22nd, 2007 at 5:52 pm

pathetic article. author needs to learn some morals and differentiate the truth from reality.

Skummy says on May 22nd, 2007 at 5:55 pm

I think this was a test to see what kind of response this would get. Obviously, the ones who are dismissing the article are clearly taking it to heart. Big Bollocks hit it right on the head with his post.

Ray Patrick says on May 22nd, 2007 at 6:20 pm

in order to have order you need a certain amount of ‘dis ‘order .
in order to be in order of what is ‘dis ‘order , you need to have order .

after reading Ten ways …
i felt somone had tied my hands behind my back while standing in front of me tormentng me with the a majik wand , of which if i had , that majik wand , i would have no need to mess up my life … after they untied my hands of course ..
smiles , nice article all the same

Will says on May 22nd, 2007 at 7:16 pm

This article is telling you to become a Chaos Magician basically. If you read this and find that you already do many of these things automatically, than you are already a practicing chaote and don’t even know it yet.

Pixel Man says on May 22nd, 2007 at 7:42 pm

This is great, I love simple ways to save myself… Best ideas ever.

Skummy says on May 22nd, 2007 at 7:49 pm

Had to repost. Sounds like Krishnamurti for Dummies. Awesome.

Anonymous says on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:32 pm

I could not agree more with this article.

Freedom from the bondage of self. The ultimate freedom. “Selfish/Self-Centered/Self Seeking” is the root of our problems.

Have you ever noticed it’s impossible to hurt unless you’re thinking about how you feel? Why not live for a greater purpose than self? Pursue the purpose of a Power greater than yourself maybe? When repeated efforts to exert your own will continue to bring about the same misery, maybe that’s telling you something?

That’s what the article says “Quit focusing on YOU so much” It hurts when your the center of the universe and it’s all about you and how you feel, belive me. I like what he says 99% of the issues we get involved in don’t really affect us at all, but our ego tells us they do.

I’ve noticed that everytime I start to struggle it’s because I’m overly-concerned with ME! And when I start finding fault in others it’s always becuase I’m not doing what I should be doing.

We can let self or other’s control our minds, or we can choose to let a Power greater than ourselves control it for us. When we fous on other’s they are in control of our minds, believe it or not.

Lack of Power, that is our dilemma. We have to find a Power greater than ourselves…

Using Prayer and Meditation in search of the latter has brought more peace in my life than I ever thought immaginable. It’s like living on permanent cruise control..

There are no big deals..

Shaan Khan says on May 23rd, 2007 at 12:37 am

Everyone agreeing with this site is looking at it from a Zen/Buddhist/Taoist point of view, and everyone disagreeing says it’s impossible and stupid bullshit because it doesn’t say how to do it. You’re all idiots. The answer is so obvious it’s blinding you. There are simply two things you need to do to follow the suggestions listed (which for the most part I agree with):

1. Stop listening to your fucking retarded Emo music

2. Kill Zach Braff (metaphorically speaking, of course)

Krish Raghav says on May 23rd, 2007 at 2:17 am

But..but…it’s not a guide to ’succeeding’, per se. It’s just a list of ways to stop you from messing up your life. It’s not asking you to give up on guilt, disappointment, concern and other human emotions. It’s not asking you to be a robot.

Its just giving you a caution – dont get overwhelmed, dont get carried away by fleeting thoughts, dont get paranoid and do something stupid. It’s a cautionary list, is all.

Asalind says on May 23rd, 2007 at 2:19 am

I recognize many of these suggestions. They are the exact same suggestions I have heard many, many times from diagnosed schizophrenics and other psychotics. This s**t is scary.

Sideral says on May 23rd, 2007 at 3:16 am

@Alicia: You got it! I think the author’s point, as one can see in the first paragraph, is to act, to do, to be, not to fall into that loop of thinking over an over again about something, including yourself.

However, the author made a mistake, and it was consecuently misinterpreted by many people as I can see. The mistake was to take a negative point of view, telling what NOT to do, instead of what to do. Being this a positive list, it should be made to highlight positive feelings. I would make the list again, this time taking the positive parts as the real guidelines:

1. How you feel is how you feel.

3. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

5. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again.

7. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers.

8. The world changes constantly.

9. It’s their life. They have to live it.

10. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part

“Do” is much powerful than “don’t do”.

Tristan says on May 23rd, 2007 at 8:01 am

i totally and emphatically disagree, this entire article is concerned with nothing more than the suppression of self. you have a monologue in your head for a reason, you ‘feel’ for a reason, pre-dominately to stop you coming off like a vapid ego-maniac to every tom, dick and harry you choose to blindly force your presence upon.

while i can reconcile myself to at least some extent with the idea of action rather than pure contemplation, without the contemplative you’re nothing more than a transcient amoral animal.

i end my flaccid ineffectual and undoubtably undesired tirade with a pertinent quote, abused by many, among them carrie bradshaw, a certain quantum cat ‘the unexamined life is not worth living’

Paul says on May 23rd, 2007 at 10:50 am

Follow your nature and accord with the Tao;
Saunter along and stop worrying.
If your thoughts are tied you spoil what is genuine.
Don’t be antagonistic to the world of the senses,
For when you are not antagonistic to it,
It turns out to be the same as complete Awakening;
The wise person does not strive;
The ignorant man ties himself up…
If you work on your mind with you mind,
How can you avoid an immense confusion?

-Seng-ts’an “Treatise on Faith in the Mind”

Chris says on May 23rd, 2007 at 11:00 am

Most of the articles I read from lifehack.org are really great – I find this to be an exception. Seems condescending and downright misleading. The overall negative tone of this article is offensive, and seems to conflict with the well thought out articles that positively suggest alternatives to accepted behavioral patterns.

Darren says on May 23rd, 2007 at 11:12 am

What a negative, depressing article.

1. Since this point doesn’t differentiate between positive emotions and negative emotions, we must assume it means both. So if you’re happy, that’ll pass too. Don’t dwell on it. Wonderful. Better advice: Don’t allow negative emotions to consume you. Fear can be beaten – search for your strength. You’ve come this far, so you can go further.

2. Let go of worry. A fine point, but as some people pointed out, worry has a purpose. The human mind is very good at creating scenarios that are possible, but not likely. This is one reason why many people are bad gamblers: they see a big win for themselves, but fail to maintain the perspective of how likely their vision is to happen. In everyday life, such scenarios can be self-fulfilling. Better advice: examine your worries and check them to see how easy it may be to avert the problem, how likely the problem is to arise in the first place, and whether the worry is worth the trouble,

3. Ease up on the internal commentary. Better advice: You are the one person on earth *least* qualified to assess your own worth. You may have a good idea of it, but you’re too far inside your own life to view it objectively. Balance your view of yourself between your own sense of who you are, and how other people act around you. Others may lie for their own purposes, while you can be your own worst critic. Consider all sources for the best possible picture.

4. Your inner critic. “Pointless” and “half-witted” are charged words, which suggest the author is trying for shock value rather than sense. If you can’t evaluate your own performance at something, you won’t be able to improve. If you can’t evaluate the values of other people and things, you can’t tell whether something is worth your time or not. Better advice: A rehash of 3. Don’t allow your emotions to cloud your judgment. Be fair and objective.

5. Give up on guilt. “Insane”? More charged language. If you, Mr. Author, need to suggest people go see a shrink, then you’re not qualified to call anyone insane. Better advice: Guilt helps us see whether we’ve done something wrong, but guilt, like all emotion, comes from within, not from others. If you truly have a reason to feel guilty, do something about it. Fix it. Or talk to a professional. If you’re being made to feel guilty by someone else, then you need to decide whether that feeling is in your best interest, or theirs.

6. Other people’s opinions. More rehash: people will tell you things for their own ends more often than for yours. People are more concerned about themselves than about you. Better advice: There’s no such things as “everyone says”. “Everyone” means *everyone* and not just the people you want to listen to. You decide how much weight other people’s opinions get. You decide which opinions matter to you. If the opinions only make you feel bad, how badly do you need to listen to them? Learn what you can from them and move on.

7. Numbers are “silly”. As a mathematician, I have a basic problem with this, so I’ll tell you what I tell my students. Better advice: Numbers divorced from common sense are not to be trusted. You can press the wrong buttons on your calculator and still get a number for an answer. That doesn’t make it the right answer. Examine any numbers you have to work with, and do a sanity check.

8. Plans aren’t good for anything much longer than a day or three. Goal-setting is an important tool for success. Sites like this live and die on advice about goals. Better advice: Any good strategy needs a Plan B. Be ready to be adaptable. If things don’t work out like you hoped, scrap the old plan and look for a new one. Just because it’s your plan, this doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it.

9. Taking responsibility for others shows a mental disability. That language again. Better advice: Take responsibility for your own actions, and let others worry about theirs. If we’re talking about a competent, grown adult, s/he can make choices for him/herself and s/he can live with the results. Be wary of others having to depend on you for their health and happiness, and don’t allow your own well-being to be placed in the hands of others. Take care of yourself.

10. You don’t have a personality. Ridiculous! If people didn’t have personalities, we couldn’t tell people apart except by sight or a DNA test. Even dogs have distinct personalities. Better advice: You are not stuck with your personality as it is now. If you want to change, you absolutely can. It requires perseverance and a lot of effort, but it can be done if you want it bad enough. Again, gather your strength.

All people have power. We have talents and strengths and we have will. (If you don’t believe you have free will, why are you reading articles about how to change your life? It’d be out of your hands….) Take control of your life where you can, make decisions, take responsibility for your decisions, and be true to who you are.

Big Bollocks says on May 23rd, 2007 at 12:15 pm

Try to understand this: We are our worst enemy.

It’s just too bad that good sites like theses get pestered by blog trolls.

hermes says on May 23rd, 2007 at 2:16 pm

It’s a joke, people; and like many jokes, it rests on a truth.

I’m a psychotherapist – have been for decades – and often feel (whoa! those feelings again!) that psychotherapy has a lot to answer for. There was a time when Americans felt they needed to come over here and teach us tight-buttocked Limeys to let our feelings out (1968; T-groups, encounter groups, et c.); and make a buck while they did it.
But the feelings-fundamentalists (those buttocks again!) teaching us to ‘get out of our heads’ and get person-centered – OUR person and its ephemeral personality of course – have left a trail of ways to be unhappy behind them.

The inner critic always always speaks with someone else’s voice. Don’t listen.

‘What other people think of you’ is usually something you make up; for yourself; or for them. Stop it.

‘Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions’ and don’t use others to avoid your own responsibility either. Sauce; goose; gander.

A persona (personality) is like shoes or shirts. You need to have a few at hand to suit different situations. We all have some.

Some people are weak; most people aren’t. Some people really can’t; most can. It’s not usually someone else’s fault.

People are amazing! What we have done and been on our evolutionary path tells us that we are capable of astonishing things.Work and discipline enable us to cope with most of the s**t that happens (the bums again!)

Seeing that we are strong, not weak is the message of these ten things.

And that’s no bad thing.

ok says on May 24th, 2007 at 9:47 am

This set of guidelines is perhaps the worst advice I have ever come across. Almost every point centers around being a cold, emotionless automaton. Sure ignorance is bliss, but listening to your ‘inner voice’ is imperative to truly understanding yourself and becoming a better personality. Why would you choose numbness just to silence yourself. In fact lets all just take Valium so there’s no need to concern oursleves with real world problems. What a selfish world indeed. To learn is to grow and that comes through self exploration. “You don’t have a personality”, what a load of crap. I suggest the author of this article has no personality as well as no idea. He/She should not be extolling this dangerous and moronic advice.

sarah says on May 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am

“The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. ”

Isn’t that what your whole post is doing though – focusing on the bad, on the ‘don’t'? Exactly what you told us not to do. The ‘do’ may be obvious to some of your readers, but by ignoring it, treating it as obvious and only talking about the don’t, you’re doing exactly what you tell us not to do.

What a second says on May 24th, 2007 at 11:40 am

Why is a businessman giving psychological advice? What are his credentials to do so? Is he a Personality Psychologist? A communications expert?

No, he’s a business executive. His point of view is absolutely useless Psychologically.

Silvergray says on May 26th, 2007 at 11:09 am

you must listen to your inner critic. otherwise you will screw up again in the future.

SC says on May 26th, 2007 at 11:39 am

a good article, it had a lot of zen/buddhist precepts in it that many readers of who come from a background of guilt-ridden christianism wouldnt understand. but if you look at the history of people who followed these two spritiual systems, zen/buddishism is certainly no bloodier than the western system. its all about BALANCE, thats what the yin/yang symbol is all about, thats what meditation, and the concept of “stillness” is all about.

thomson says on May 28th, 2007 at 5:22 am

so it’s true: Americans have no sense of irony. This article looks like it could have been lifted from one of the Dilbert books.

Was it posted on 1st of April ?

The author is messing with you…
(or parodying you – tho’ from your comments you do that best yourselves).

Stop procrastinating reading silly articles like this – and Get Things Done !

Sharona says on May 28th, 2007 at 8:48 pm

THE #1 way not to mess up your life is:

NOT to get married too young!!!!!!!!!

rich says on May 28th, 2007 at 11:11 pm

i felt awful for the longest time before reading this.

your emotions should not dictate your actions, just the opposite.

thank you for setting my brain straight.

loki says on June 5th, 2007 at 5:21 am

what a load of rot. “writer” “englishman” “retired exec”?

not a lot of talk of training or accomplishments.

reminds me of lucy in peanuts, “the doctor is in. consultations 5 cents”.

except this post is worth less than that.

De-Te (Germany) says on June 5th, 2007 at 5:32 am

From certain spiritual points of view the advice given in this article will be considered true (e. g. Advaita Vedanta). You find here thoughts that seem quite compatible with teachings of Eckhart Tolle, Gangaji, Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj and many others.

Problem is: Most paople cannot simply do it. Someone said in their comment something like “you controll your thinking”. Well, if that is so, stop thinking for five minutes. Not the tiniest thought for only five minutes.

Well, how did it go?

Right. Most people cannot do it. Seems, it usually takes years and years of intensive meditation to get there.

And Neuro-science shows, that only a small fraction of our thoughts are conscious and can be controled. So we have little dominion here.

Still, I agree with many of the suggestions. Like: “let go of worrying. it often makes things worse”. True IMO. *But*… What if worrying is such a deep habit, maybe (almost) an addiction. After years or decades of habitual worrying, inner criticism, feeling guilty etc. it can even be compulsory. It may be comparable to giving up smoking – for some people it’s no big deal, they do it just like that, for others it is a major problem, next to impossible.

What seems to be a basic problem to most of that is that we have automatic emotional responses to (external or internal) stimuli and do not know how to deal with them. We’re not taught in school, for sure.
These can be complex and rigid programmings. The root of the programs lies in the body’s energy system (e. g. acupuncture deals with the energy system). If we can access the problem in the energy system we find new ways to solve those problems that do not easily give in to willpower or reason (ever tried to reason with a strong emotion?).

Here comes the cavallery: Energy Methods like EmoTrance (www.emotrance.com), EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques (emofree.com) and others operate on the energy level. They can (sometimes very easily and quickly and usually for good) resolve programmed reactions. There are thousands of cases that show: they work.

And these methods are not (only) for therapy and the like, they can be used in every day life.
Use them to
- stop endless loops of worrying
- reduce or eleminate fellings of guilt
- reduce your concern what others may say
- not be afraid of certain things/situations
- etc etc.

The creator gave us a conscious mind and emotions. There probably was a good reason to do so. Seems we lost the manual and don’ really know how to use our equipment. Energy methods fill that gap at least partially.

Someone said “If it isn’t fun, it isn’t EmoTrance, yet.”
So it is not only about not messing up your life and to arrive at “normal” or “average”. It is about feeling great and being happy.

Don’t worry, be happy. Energy methods help us do it.

Zane says on June 18th, 2007 at 10:53 am

The very first paragraph is the most inspiring and most true. I just got out of high school and began getting anxiety. Nothing but bad things were always on my mind, I couldn’t help thinking about them. I thought I would have to get professional help they were so bad. Eventually they began to die off. The point is; how you feel is how you feel, it will go away.

lholetz says on June 25th, 2007 at 7:37 am

I dont have comment or whatsoever, the idea is good and interesting because i believe this statements comes from serious studies and survey. i admit some idea is applicable in my part and some are not which perhaps i dont believe it could be that very way the way the subject stated and explain. as for me, our way of defining life or living with it, is base on how we understand things that already pass and anticipate things that might come. i still believe in fate but i still have a choice to which way i go, this is who we are as human. i think the best way not to mess up your life is to be righteous and kind. its as simple as painting a colorful masterpiece to a canvas eiher that canvas is black or white.

jana says on July 16th, 2007 at 7:54 am

i cannot believe how some people take things literaly and also, how they project things that were never said. the autor never wrote “stop feeling anything”, just “do not be overly obsessive over your feelings” which is something i find very useful – especially now when there is so much esoteric nonsense around. the simplicity of the article struck me and i really do think it is useful

Ritter99 says on August 1st, 2007 at 8:18 am

this list sucks. you can make big money with it (like many people are doing, check the self-help section in barnes and nobles), but it still sucks. you suck too, btw. believe me, i’m ascended master. and right now i ascend your ass with my words.

James - Visualized.Feel.Abundance says on October 4th, 2007 at 6:01 am

I have to agree with this point –

“Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions.”

Everyone is responsible for their own action or inaction and to themselves. You should never have to feel responsible for the consequences that others reap from their own actions.

Understand this one alone will save your a lot of grief and unhappiness. :)

Cheers
James

nobuta says on October 22nd, 2007 at 2:39 pm

I like the last one the most. We limit ourselves because we focus on being certain traits. We are who we are if u dont like how you act then control urself. We interpret our life not the people around us. This is very useful I think it gives me more relief.

and to ppl who thinks this list is a waste of time… well I want you to remember your not the only people in this world who exist with actual problems. Or if thats the case I’m sorry the world cant be as perfect as you. Why try to bring ppl down on their life because it sounds like your worrying about peoples lives more than your own. Though I do agree that people should get things done and just do it than read it… Well maybe some people just need some inspiration to do so. It takes time to do things but yeah… though we shouldnt probably hang over on this list as much. But it’s the way you look at it this list. I dont control anyones opinions so just think what you want.

yourmom says on November 2nd, 2007 at 2:51 am

I’m going to submit this to Webster’s as a definition of the word “narcissism”. Your pompous-assed article can be summed up in 1 sentence: “I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks.” Sounds like the thought process of your average run-of-the-mill serial killer/rampage killer to me. You…and the crap you spout in this article…are 90% of what has made me come to hate a job that I used to love. All day every day I deal with this moronic notion of yours that “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want…as long as I label it ‘expressing my true self.’” Screw you…and everyone like you. Your right to “express your true self” ENDS at my right to fire your self-absorbed ass.

Nicole says on November 30th, 2007 at 9:10 am

your article is very true and very helpful to many peolpe, except it should not be called “ways to save yourself from messing up your life” instead i should be called ways of saving yourself from this depression that happen’s to everybody once in there lives, like that IMO guy that sent you a reply, i mean what’s the use of cutting youself or crying all night as a result of what people think or say!!!

Keith says on December 29th, 2007 at 9:42 am

Some good suggestions…thanks!

Allie says on January 23rd, 2008 at 4:06 pm

Great tips! Many people can be happier if they adjust their attitude. Misery is only an option — instead, focus on finding happiness.

Bob & Brad says on April 18th, 2008 at 6:04 pm

Great work! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I just wanted to add my thoughts as well. I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed yours.

“A man who conquers an army possesses great strength. But a man who conquers himself possesses great power”.
A ¼ of a century ago I, Bob, stood at the brink of either disaster or transformation.

I was literally FIGHTING for my life. Following 15 years of drug addiction, I had reached the end of the road. It was either die or change. In this moment of clarity and openness I surrendered myself to the help and guidance of others who would show me how to live life on life’s terms.

This experience became my first awareness of what surrender truly means. In this moment of surrender my life changed forever and for the better. It has been almost 25 years now since I surrendered to the horrors of addiction and I have re-surrendered every day since.

The word surrender congers up thoughts such as “To surrender means I’m weak” “I lose if I surrender” “I’m just giving up because I’m not strong enough to deal with what life throws at me”. In actuality the secret of living a fulfilling and meaningful life is to live in a constant state of surrender. One of the most confusing but profound sayings I have ever heard is “We surrender to win”.

Think about it. How much time do you spend trying to control your individual world out of fear or the need to look good? How often do you wake up each day with an idea of how the day will go and then life happens with all of its unexpected twists and turns?

The action of surrender implies a need to trust that Natural Law or some force will not lead us astray. Unfortunately, it is often the pain we experience in our lives that forces us into a state of surrender. How many of us have secretly prayed to something or someone unseen to get us out of a jam, or have bargained, asking for a prayer to be answered in exchange for becoming a better person?

I would tend to think most of us. This action is nothing more than a moment of powerlessness where we are surrendering to something or someone for help, because we can’t “fix” the problem on our own. Whatever our personal beliefs are about God, religion, agnosticism or spirituality, we all have a common need to let go and surrender to the challenges that we face each day.

In some cases these challenges will be life threatening and in other cases they will be as simple as the frustration of rush hour traffic on our way home from work. Surrendering to the reality of what is, allows us to release the death grip that we have on life. It’s okay to sit back and enjoy the journey at any given time through the process of surrender, and in turn avoid exhaustion, illness and suffering.

It is not an easy endeavor to surrender to the small day to day frustrations that occur. When we want to be moving forward and we feel that something is impeding our progress, we want to usurp more self will and push even harder. Unfortunately, the results will always be an absence of any peace of mind, love in our heart or joy in our life. Surrendering remains difficult until and only when, we start to realize that much of life is supposed to be lived with ease.

Imagine that, living life with ease. Now this isn’t to say that life is always easy. It often isn’t. It’s only to suggest that when we surrender, we’re moving proportionately to how we are inherently designed to function. Imagine being on a carnival ride like the “whip-it”.

Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to actually try to make the ride go at the speed you’d like it to go, or in the direction you think it should go? Not only would you fail at these tasks, but in addition you would miss the ease, the fun and the joy of just letting go and surrendering to the experience.

Living in the struggle of control often destroys our creativity and productivity in the workplace, and impedes in our desire to be loving and happy in our relationships. To stop fighting with ourselves, to fully acknowledge that our displeasures, our judgments and criticisms manifest within ourselves, and the external world is merely a mirror and a catalyst that activates our suffering, is to understand that we can always work on surrendering to our inner conflicts.
Many of us stumble under the illusion that control is always good.

I, Brad, had thought for much of my life that it would be dangerous and reckless to just let the Greater Power of our universe take care of things. I have found that my control isn’t really needed or wanted in the managing of the world.

There really is a perfection that allows for the stars to come out at night and for the sun to shine every day. We don’t have to remind our children to grow every day or even teach them how to move from scooting to crawling to walking. I have repeatedly been amazed at how natural law manages this complex planet, with such ease. I am learning to stay out of the way a little more each day and surrender to the journey.

It’s sometimes hard for all of us to understand the lessons we are being invited to learn as we move through our lives. We may wonder why we are having an adverse, challenging experience and blame others or God for the circumstances.

I firmly believe we are here to grow and gain insight into ourselves (Refer back to quote at the beginning of this article) and it is usually the challenges and the tough situations that invite opportunities for us to learn our lessons.

As we learn to practice the principle of humility, we proportionately find that our ability to surrender becomes more readily accessible to us.

I, Bob, would like to illustrate one more recent experience that I had with surrender. This process was quite enlightening and taught me a very important lesson about myself. Being the nice guy that I am, I’ve never really seen myself as a person that was arrogant.

Brad and I were recently hired to facilitate a 2 day retreat with a wonderful state wide agency here in New Mexico. As I started working on the agenda for the retreat I found myself getting into a belief that if this was going to be a great training I would have to put it altogether myself. I started working relentlessly in preparation for the retreat and wasn’t including Brad in the process.

In short order, I started feeling annoyed with Brad that he wasn’t doing his share. As I looked at what was driving my annoyance I discovered that I was controlling the direction of the training without including Brad. Somehow, my arrogance convinced me that it was up to me to make this retreat a smashing success.

With further examination, I gained the insight that I either needed to fully trust Brad’s abilities and capabilities, or be miserable. I got together with Brad and shared with him the arrogance I had been living in and surrendered it. As we worked together in the design of the agenda, we created an incredible format to implement at the retreat. This insight that led me to a place of surrender allowed me to connect to the ease, joy and enthusiasm in the co-creative process with Brad.

When Brad and I facilitated the 2 day retreat, there were 3 or 4 instances where we had to shift gears and let go of the agenda we had designed. We were both living in a state of openness, surrendering to what the Universe was presenting to us every step of the way. Consequently, the retreat went beautifully and we had the privilege of witnessing a great deal of healing that resulted in new found connection and high morale amongst the participants.

I don’t believe this would have happened if we stayed locked into our rigid ideas about the need to implement the agenda.
To have the ability and humility to admit when we have erred is one of the great secrets in the act of surrender. I have never suffered an adverse consequence by admitting my faults and wrongdoings to those I have harmed or discounted.

I always walk away having learned something new about myself. Each opportunity brings us closer to conquering ourselves, and I think the world would be a far better place if each one of us worked on conquering ourselves instead of an army.

Below are just a few ideas you can work with to practice the art of SURRENDER:
1. When awakening in the morning tell yourself you’ll just go with the flow of the day practicing non-resistance, and mean it.

2. During the day when you catch yourself resisting say “I surrender and let go”.

3. When you are involved in an activity (on the computer, watching TV, etc) and your child or spouse asks you for your help, surrender to that moment of opportunity and respond to them.

4. The next time you get “a hit” to call someone or send a card, surrender to that action and follow through on it.

5. If a colleague or family member pushes your anger or frustration button, surrender to the feeling, and talk with them respectfully in order to clear the air.

Enjoy,

jeff wiser says on May 7th, 2008 at 6:22 pm

dis man hasnt got a clue about life,he has probly had a nice easy one and he thinks its hard.lets see him go through all the bullshit of a hard life and do these things.in an ideal world these might work but were in REALITY!

tekno haber says on August 29th, 2008 at 10:40 pm

all of these are true but the most important thing is “how can we these?”

film izle says on October 31st, 2008 at 10:21 pm

good article. thanx

Mary C. Aikens says on December 16th, 2008 at 10:56 pm

I do see some understanding about if you worry, it will get worse if you do worry. However, I do agree with some of it and there are other parts of it that I disagree with that article. The part that I agree with it if a person keeps worrying about the his or her future getting more and more worse – surely that person’s future will tend to decline as long as that person is so bent on that type of thinking. However, if a college student have had been studying very diligently for a test from a very difficult class that is coming up real soon and he or she vocalized it to a selected few people who are close to her. These people started to both comfort and prayed with/for that college student. Would you think that it is okay to vocalize your fears when you are facing a challenge of any kind of varying magnitude? The best thing is to learn how discern what is the best way how to determine the what’s, which’s, where’s, why’s and how’s that is related to the subject matter when it comes to worry. Each and every day, I am looking for a way to difuse that “worry-wart” part of me, and to look more, and more upon Jesus Christ along with placing more faith upon Him to carry me along with my burdens.

Thank you,

“Da Macho Chick”
(Mary C. Aikens)

Hannah says on April 19th, 2009 at 6:57 pm

i think you’re completely wrong.

and that’s basically my opinion of what you’ve written.

it’s like you’ve missed the nail all together.

you’re telling people how to be mindless drones and loners.

emotions, feelings, people, events. THEY make us happy.

because at the end of the day, a sack of bones and skin is pathetic.

i can’t believe some people are taking you seriously.

that’s just sad and i feel like you’ve given them the wrong idea all together.

yes, it’s about taking control for yourself. being confident by smiling more, talking more about yourself, engaging with people, walking a little sassier down the street.

i hope people realise its up to them to find their happiness. not you.

no one can mess up their life. there is no wrong in life.

its just life. without pain, we would not have pleasure.

fred says on September 14th, 2009 at 1:04 am

I find these “philosophies” work if you are already a loner/nerd/geek/outcast/whatever. It could better be described as a coping mechanism. However, taking less notice of what others say about you can only work so far. Unfortunately there are skilled social manipulators and bullies who will target an individual and they will not stop until you are dead. The only thing you can do is to get as far away from these people as possible, and give them no avenues to you. It will be lonely, but it will be a damn site better than being the village idiot.

Alyss says on October 5th, 2009 at 12:19 pm

This is a very good article. I felt as if the author is talking to me. If you’re a worrier, you’ll find what is suggested in the article very useful.