Put Up Your Hand If You Ever Lie
November 9 by Craig Harper 341 Shares | Communication, Featured
Put up Your Hand if You Ever Lie.
If your hand went up, then we now know you’re a liar. If it didn’t go up then we know you’re an even bigger liar.
When asked the question “are you a liar?” nearly 97% of people answer “no”. When the remaining 3% (self-confessed liars) are subjected to questions calibrating their real, rather than perceived, honesty, they turn out to be, on average, 28 times more honest than the people who claimed they never lie. One of the most prolific liars in history was US president Richard Nixon, who researchers found to have lied on record 837 times on a single day.
Geeze, that’s a lot of fibbing.
Why the interest in lying?
As you know, I’m a student of human behaviour: what we do, when we do it, how we do it, and why we do it. In the field of behavioural psychology there aren’t too many things that interest me more than the subject of dishonesty. Or is it honesty? Anyway, I’m referring to the propensity we humans have to lie. All humans. In my job I listen to (and look at) a lot of people. Since 1987 I have personally completed over 40,000 one-on-one, face-to-face sessions. Close proximity. I get to see the pupils dilate and constrict. The nervous rash appearing on the neck. The facial ticks arise. The postural change. The awkward fidgeting. I notice the change in the pitch of the voice. And the increase in respiration. The lack of eye contact. The shift in emotional state. The defensive body language. The contradictions in their story. The anger. The denial. And often, the tears. Hence, my very absorbent clothing.
Listen to what they’re not saying.
How can we listen to someone who isn’t speaking? Easy. Use our other senses; they will tell us what our ears can’t. We know that communication is about seven percent verbal so it’s only logical to conclude that we will learn more about people (what they think, feel, believe, expect, fear, know, have done) by watching them, than we would by listening to them. Not to say we shouldn’t listen, of course. I’m always more fascinated with what people don’t say because by saying nothing (about a certain matter) they are saying something. People are “speaking” all the time; we just need to learn their language. Pet owners will understand this concept. Once we understand that the verbal stuff is only a minor part of communication and human interaction, our relationships and reality change and our awareness shifts dramatically. If you can’t be bothered researching (and who can?) just watch an episode or three of Lie To Me. Even though it’s ‘only’ a TV show, there’s some pretty cool science and research behind it all. In other words; the truth about liars.
How often we fib
The average person lies 114 times every day of their life. So if you live to be eighty, you’re gonna tell somewhere around 3.3 million fibs over the course of your lifetime. Wowzer!! Can you believe that?
Don’t. I made it up. See how easy that was?
The truth about lies
Of course, it’s virtually impossible to acquire accurate and broadly representative statistics regarding how many times the average person lies each day – being as we’re so predisposed to… well, lying. And anyway, who’s gonna keep count? Nobody wants to be seen as a pathological liar – or any kind of liar – so even when it comes to research, we’ll continue to lie about our lying. After all, who’s gonna be honest about their dishonesty? And there-in lies (pun intended) the challenge; in order to gain reliable data we need to rely on people’s honesty. There’s some irony for you. Take a peek at the following report from the University of Massachusetts:
AMHERST, Mass. – Most people lie in everyday conversation when they are trying to appear likable and competent, according to a study conducted by University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert S. Feldman and published in the most recent Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology. The study, published in the journal’s June issue, found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies. “People tell a considerable number of lies in everyday conversation. It was a very surprising result. We didn’t expect lying to be such a common part of daily life,” Feldman said. The study also found that lies told by men and women differ in content, though not in quantity. Feldman said the results showed that men do not lie more than women or vice versa, but that men and women lie in different ways. “Women were more likely to lie to make the person they were talking to feel good, while men lied most often to make themselves look better,” Feldman said.
What? Men lie to impress people! I find that hard to believe. BTW, have I told you how much I’m bench pressing lately?
Some Common Fibs
Lie: Yep, I’m on my way now.
Truth: I’ll leave in ten minutes. Or twenty.
Lie: No, your arse is tiny.
Truth: You look like a f**king yak from back here.
Lie: If you don’t go to sleep, Santa won’t come next week.
Truth: He’ll come (won’t he?).
Lie: The dog ate my homework.
Truth: There ain’t no homework. Or dog.
Lie: Yep, this assignment is all my work.
Truth: I am the cut and paste king.
Lie: I was working late.
Truth: I’m a Dirtbag.
Lie: No, I’m busy tonight.
Truth: I don’t like you.
Lie: I’ll get back to you.
Truth: I’ll never contact you.
Lie: Yep, I’ve nearly finished.
Truth: I haven’t started.
Lie: I’m really careful with my food.
Truth: Careful not to let others see how much I eat.
Lie: No, I’ll be fine (sob).
Truth: Can I have some attention and sympathy?
Lying Etiquette
So now we’ve established that you’re part of the Pants-on-Fire Fraternity…
1. What are your lying rules?
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions?
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?)
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think?
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts?
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
9. Are you aware of your lying?
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?
I don’t expect you to answer all of the above questions (or any for that matter) but I thought they might be good conversation-starters. Off you go Pinocchio.
And in answer to your question…
Q. Do you ever lie Craig?
A. Only when I’m awake.
Other than that, never.
Great article Craig. Lying to make yourself look good can be pretty addictive. I know I’ve certainly done my share in the past. I’ve found, however, if you can be brutally honest about yourself and your inadequacies without being ashamed or defensive about them, people tend to appreciate you more.
Hey Craig.
Big lies are terrible. I had lied about something and let it build up for a long while, and when it came out, it was terrible. The sooner it comes out, the better. Lies are a sign of our weakness in some ways.
I lose basically every time I lie.
I can’t think of a time where it is okay to lie, but if there was some awkward circumstance where a lie would prevent something bad from happening right there, and it could be cleared up later, that would be one of the few instances where it would be beneficial. We sometimes say that a lie is bad but physical harm or such is something you can’t take back, while a lie can be cleared up later, although not fully.
Thanks for bringing up this topic.
Some of the strangest, most inexplicable conversations I’ve ever had were confrontations with my parents about my lying, and my confrontations with others about their lying. It is truly like another person is controlling during this time. I had no conscious control over what I was saying, yet it seems disingenuous to aver responsibility like that
To me it’s OK to lie if someone ask something they know they should not ask. When saying “I won’t answer that question.” gives away the truth.
Also, when someone seems unable to accept the truth (when they’re emotionally unstable). An example would be taking blame for some failure while it’s really their fault. Taking blame is usually considered a good thing, but it can still be a lie.
If you don’t say it literally but make someone think something that you know is not true, I consider it the same thing as lying.
To me, lying is something you do to cope with other people’s limitations. If people around you are unreasonable about something (example: homosexuality) you may lie. If you’re the one who is wrong (in your own perspective), be honest.
That’s my point of view.
Lies are only okay to tell if the purpose of it is to help someone other than yourself.
An example would be someone lying to the SS during the holocaust to save a life.
And sometimes we even lie to ourselves…
Lying to spare someone’s feelings feels like the decent thing to do. And lying to yourself – well, that’s just self preservation.
What’s funny are those lies we tell kids about Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I never thought of them as lies but I guess they can’t be classified any other way.
Of course the trouble with lies are the ones that land you in that proverbial tangled web – been there a few times and it is not a good place.
[...] By Craig Harper, Original Link [...]
Don’t do this when you play the motivation games like a texas holdem.
This is really a gray area. Not a clear cut answer. The bottom line is to not intentionally hurt someone whether it be from not disclosing all the facts or actions. But if it would hurt someone in the first place, then you shouldnt be taking that action in the first place.
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From which study do the numbers at the beginning of the article come from?
Lying huh? In truth lying is a cover for ourselves no matter how noble you pretend it is. We lie to avoid the consequences we perceive will unfold if we don’t. We hate to be seen poorly or be at cause for our or someone else’s pain or suffering. I love (myself and others) therefore I lie. Only the toughest don’t!
[...] Put Up Your Hand If You Ever Lie (lifehack.org) [...]
Isn’t it weird that there are so many important professional experiences where we’re basically encouraged to lie? Job interviews, for instance, where we’re coached to be relentlessly positive about past jobs, or annual reviews, where you have to walk that line between too modest and too self-aggrandizing in describing your accomplishments.
[...] Put Up Your Hand If You Ever Lie (lifehack.org) [...]
Is it safe to say that our civilization is build on mountains of lies? Look at the myths, the fairy tales, the stories about all those prophets and their miracles, which one is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Craig, I’m curious to the source of the numbers in the paragraph:
When asked the question “are you a liar?” nearly 97% of people answer “no”. When the remaining 3% (self-confessed liars) are subjected to questions calibrating their real, rather than perceived, honesty, they turn out to be, on average, 28 times more honest than the people who claimed they never lie. One of the most prolific liars in history was US president Richard Nixon, who researchers found to have lied on record 837 times on a single day.
I never thought of them as lies but I guess they can’t be classified any other way.
I had a top secret clearance for my first “real” job, so I’ve always tried to be aware of people eavesdropping. When I think that may be happening, I start spewing disinformation (aka lies) by the bucketful.
At one point, I was fairly certain (from the looks and body language from several people) that someone was eavesdropping on me, so in an effort to find out who it was (in hopes that someone would be a decent enough person to actually tell me who was doing it), I laid it on really thick. The looks and the sniggers got worse (by the way, I was getting literally hundreds of hang-up phone calls through this, all untraceable–the worst part of this was happening in 1995-1997, when most cell phones were not traceable), but no one came forward.
Yeah, I lied. I lied because my business is no one else’s. I lied to protect myself, my family, and maybe my country (I was no longer doing the sensitive job, but I never found out why the unknown a****les were doing it). I lied so outrageously that anyone who actually knew me should have picked up on the fact that they were lies. Maybe they did, and didn’t tell me, but you know what? Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t exhibit courage and enough common decency to tell others when something like that is going on. Both the liars and the people who just kept their mouths shut are write-offs.