December 12th, 2007 in Communication

How to Offer your Sympathies Following a Bereavement

When attending the funeral of someone we know, the thought of going up to express our condolences to the friends and relatives of the deceased can often fill us with apprehension – it’s not exactly the kind of experience we go through every day. However, with the right approach it can actually be a very inwardly rewarding experience. Here are a few pointers:

The words “I’m sorry for your loss” can sound like such a cliché if not said with meaning. Remember that when you do express your condolences, it will not be the words that matter, but the expression and concern on your face.
It doesn’t particularly matter if you never thought well the deceased during his or her lifetime – you can try to mentally “bury the hatchet” and remember any good qualities the person might have had. If that doesn’t work, try instead to empathise with what the dear ones of the deceased must be going through, and let your words stem from that instead.
Draw on any experiences of loss which you might have had yourself – it will help you empathise with and appreciate what the dear ones of the departed are going through.
Remember you won’t be an imposition. We always somehow seem to think that the dear ones of the deceased will be so wrapped up in their grief that any human contact will just be painful. This will be certainly true in some cases (and it will be very easy to see which) but on the whole, those who are grieving will be very happy to see people have showed up to give them support in their hour of suffering. Try to feel your presence there as a source of strength for the mourners to draw on.
It helps enormously if you can talk about the fond memories you have of the deceased and the good qualities they had. Everyone who attends has different recollections which reveal a facet of the person’s character, and they all add up to give a sense of who that person was – it helps people to feel that in a way the spirit of the person is still there.
Some people are better writers than they are talkers – a heartfelt message (or a poem, perhaps) left inside a card may just be picked up an read a month or a year later, and offer powerful consolation when it is most needed.
Most importantly – act from the heart. Funerals are a time when the best in human beings really comes to the fore – our feelings of kindness, empathy and concern which are often obscured in daily life. Try not to analyse too much what to say. If you can focus instead on staying in the heart then this better part of your nature will come forward and feel the right thing to say.

WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY

Shane Magee

Shane Magee writes on motivation, creativity, sport and getting the very most out of life; more of his articles can be found on the Sri Chinmoy self-improvement blog on his own personal site. Every so often, he gives free workshops on meditation and effective living in his home town of Dublin, Ireland. When not doing that, he enjoys running and learning to play the flute.

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FekketCantenel says on December 12th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
How about (in the case of Christian people like myself and most of the people I know) saying things like ‘at least he’s with Jesus now’. As true as it might be (depending on the deceased), it always sounds so corny in my head.
This is a good list, but I wonder what brought it on. I hope you’re okay :(
Arnold says on December 12th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
@FekketCantenel:
I’ve been through that situation where a very close person in my family died and people said that to be comforting, and I know they absolutely meant well. It’s comforting now, 3.5 years later, but at the time, I just wanted people to allow me to be sad! Even if it’s true that they’re “with Jesus” or “in a better place” or “not suffering anymore,” I’m not mourning for them — they’re in a better place! I’m mourning for me that they’re not with me anymore!
I agree, too, that this is a really good list. I too hope nothing sad brought on the topic …
FekketCantenel says on December 12th, 2007 at 11:34 pm
That’s a very, very, very good point. Christians don’t have to mourn the fate of their loved-ones — they just have to go through a learning process and deal with the fact that said loved-ones are no longer around.
I’ve heard a bit about so-called ‘happy funerals’, where rather than crying, everyone sits together and laughs about the good times they had with the deceased, and what an awesome time they must be having up in Heaven. I hope my funeral is like that.
Then again, it brings to mind the old pejorative: “He makes people happy every time he leaves the room.”
DermDoc says on December 12th, 2007 at 11:58 pm
As an intern you learn how to deliver the worst possible news to a fellow human being — that their loved one has died. Some of these tips would have been quite helpful. I would add that an appropriate touch, holding a hand or arm, can also be of comfort to someone who is grieving.
Tripp444 says on December 13th, 2007 at 11:42 am
I recently lost my fiance, and the worst thing that I was told at his funeral was, “It wasn’t meant to be.” Please don’t EVER say that to someone… that’s the worst thing you could possibly hear.
Shane Magee says on December 13th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
Thanks for the concern, guys. It is true that I have undergone some recent experiences where those close to me have passed away, but I have been most fortunate that instead of being overwhelmed by grief and sorrow, I seem to have come away from it all with a greater and humbler understanding of what life and death are all about. In a way it was rather like their parting gift to me – that’s the way I saw it anyway.
In particular, my meditation teacher passed away a couple of months ago. He always saw the transition from life to death as merely another journey, and I really got this very powerful sense when I went to the memorial service that somehow it doesn’t all end when we leave the mortal coil….
@Tripp444 – I too received a couple of insensitive comments. Fortunately I knew the person was never too good with words in the first place, and I tried instead to just completely rid myself of their clumsy words and see beyond it to the person’s genuine intent.
Angela says on December 14th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
While drawing on experiences of a loss you’ve had may allow you to remember your own emotions, please don’t say anything similar to “I know how you feel, my aunt died last month.” Those words did NOT bring me comfort as a 37 year old widow with three kids to raise.
A simple “I am so sorry” is much much better.
Jayant says on September 3rd, 2008 at 6:31 am
Life and death are but two sides of the same coin both walking hand in hand.We dont know when one will take over and death stalks at every step and every corner and every turn.If you learn to love death as you love life there is no need to fear from death because it is a undeniable truth.We are born but to die so why worry
Priyanka says on May 5th, 2009 at 5:55 am
How to my Job Trancer
Sheila Joyce Gibbs says on May 5th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Good post & many thanks !
Yes, it is truly, not necessarily the words that have been said to me, but the tone of voice & the expressions, that either soothe like only my Mothers love would have, or cut you like a double edged sword !!
God Bless you !