Let’s say you’re a web designer, or a writer (just for the purpose of this post, so please bear with me). And you’ve just created a new website (or an article). You love it. That thing is awesome. Everything your client could ever ask for. The design – slick. The goals – achieved. The budget – not exceeded. It fits your client’s requirements hand-in-glove.
Then you start thinking: “Wow, I’m so proud of myself right now. I need to show this thing to my best friend, even though he’s not a designer,” so you do.
And what does that traitorous little weasel say? “It’s cool, but I don’t know… This header seems a little too minimalistic. Plus the font is not friendly enough, and I really believe it would have been so much better with a bigger logo.” Just the pat on the back you’ve been looking for…
So what’s the first and only step of dealing with criticism?
Don’t care. You’re not going to please everybody.
I know what you’re thinking, and please don’t scream at the screen. You’re thinking that while not all criticism is constructive you always have to try to extract some valid points out of it.
Well, you don’t. Not in this case.
First things first, let’s start with explaining why you asked for an opinion in the first place, and what was the reason behind choosing that specific person to address the question to.
Were you really looking for an opinion or just a pat on the back?
If you were looking for a pat on the back and you didn’t receive one then just stop right there and leave it, you really shouldn’t care. Just find someone else to ask and try again. Repeat until you get what you want. Caring too much eventually destroys your productivity even more than answering emails.
On the other hand, if you wanted a real constructive opinion, then why did you ask someone who probably doesn’t have any knowledge in that field?
Let me put it this way; would you really care when someone said something like: “I think that medical diagnosis your doctor gave you is wrong! I’m not a doctor, but trust me, I know this stuff. I’ve seen three seasons of Dr. House.” … of course you wouldn’t. You know better than that.
So here’s the lesson. If you want a valid opinion ask someone who can give you one.
If you want a medical consultation ask a doctor. If you want a legal consultation ask a lawyer. If you want a design consultation ask a designer.
If you ask the wrong person, well, you’ve brought it upon yourself, so now you’ll just have to deal with it. Just because someone is your friend/mom/brother/bartender doesn’t make them the right person to ask.
I know that every now and then even a random person can give you good advice, but that’s just life. Every now and then you will find money on the sidewalk, but it doesn’t mean you should make it your new career and search for it 40 hours a week.
I’m sure you will get far better insights by asking just two people (or even one person) who have some experience with whatever you want to ask them about. That is, of course, if you’re looking for a real opinion. If you’re just looking for a pat on the back then go with ten random people.
OK, moving on. What if the right person didn’t like your work either?
Don’t give up. Follow up with that person and ask one simple question: “why?” Always ask “why”. Search for some valid points. Ask until you get an answer like: “I don’t like it because …” Search for the “because” – that’s what’s important. If the person can’t give you a “because” then:
Don’t care. You’re not going to please everybody.
If that’s a really valid “because,” something that forces you to think, something that’s real, and makes you feel embarrassed that you didn’t come up with it yourself, then, by all means, consider it and try to improve your project. Then get back to that person and ask for another opinion. And again – you want a “because” this time as well.
On the other hand, if the “because” is just silly; something like “I don’t like the green theme of the website because I prefer blue”, or “I don’t like your new furniture because mahogany is not really my thing” then:
Don’t care. You’re not going to please everybody.
The art of dealing with criticism is really simple. If it’s valid – care. If it’s not – don’t care, forget about it.
What are your ways of dealing with criticism? Do you care? Tell me in the comments below!
Great insights!
I hear that…but don’t you think the trick in that whole idea is differentiating between valid and not?
Yes, I do, and that’s exactly what I’ve written. :)
You get the award for the worst headline I have seen today. Maybe you should have called it, “How Codependence Effects Criticism.” Or maybe, “How Needy are You?” The article is a very limited view of criticism where it is looking for self-validation. But you probably don’t care that I wrote this, right?
Thanks for the award. But the headline got you to read the whole post and even comment on it, so maybe it’s not that bad after all. Cheers. :)
I didn’t. I started skimming after reaching the first big sub-title, and 2 sentences later I decided to jump directly to the comments and immediately “liked” Paul’s comment. Well, this is NOT a criticism I think, so I hope you care.,
Excellent post Karol! I really loved how you summed it up together. I would just add one little more…”Don’t take it too personally”. I believed that if we all learned that relationships would be so much more peaceful.
Of course, I agree 100%. But sometimes certain people just want to offend you by giving some “constructive” advice and then they throw even more rocks at you if you call them out for it. It’s hard not to take it personally.
Thanks for that. I’m bad at receiving criticism and am always looking to ” get over myself”.
I don’t think your first and only step of dealing with criticism is accurate (according to the facts you explain in your article). It seems that you have two steps…the first is the decide how valid the opinion is of the person giving the criticism, the second is the decide if you care.
That all being said…lovely article. I completely enjoy reading opinions that match my own (how’s that for being agreeable?). Honestly, your steps are ones that I try to follow. It’s important to keep the opinions of others in perspective, otherwise, one can be crushed.
I find that many people will ask for opinions because they really do want a pat on the back. Feedback from a valid source can be difficult to take…but it’s imperative if you’re going to be the best you can be.
Thanks, Karol, for a juicy article.
That’s exactly the message I wanted to share in this article. Thanks.
Hallo Karol. I enjoyed your post. It reminds me of something I read in “Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus” by John Gray. If I remember correctly he noted that sometimes when women present a problem to a man, the man immediately approaches it as ‘something to solve’ and goes about solving it rather dispassionately. He notes that this is often a mistake since women often present their problems to their women friends not for resolution but rather for sympathy and understanding. The ‘pat on the back’ so to speak. Certainly there is nothing manly or womanly about it. You point out something that seems to be a leading cause of upset in communications. That the sender and/or the receiver is totally off base on the PURPOSE of the communication. Your suggestion to clarify in our own minds what it is we want before we ask for ‘Opinion’ is exactly on target. Critique is neither good or bad opinion. It is dispassionate informed observation of strong and weak points about the thing being critiqued. Unfortunately, the term is used very loosely by those not used to having their work critiqued by an informed observer. Great post thanks.
The men/women difference is really interesting, and it gives some further clarification on the whole matter. Plus, I finally have a reason to read that book, thanks :)
This is very similar to a criticism management exercise I did at a workshop I once attended years ago. They said before reacting to a criticism, think about the value or how important the person making it is to you. If that person’s opinion counts, ie., your boss, then you should pay attention and use the criticism as a growth opportunity. If that person’s opinion doesn’t really matter, at least in the context of the criticism, don’t give the matter another thought.
That’s my opinion as well. Some people tie too much attention to criticism that’s given just for the sake of it. Like I once heard: “you’re not a poet, you’re not a critic, you just have internet access”
Thanks for the post. It is an interesting idea. If you ask an opinion to “somebody who knows” you have a good chance you get a valuable answer. That is of course the first step. If you want to buy an ice cream, you don’t go to the bookshop either :-) I like to add one more method which is always working for me. If I feel pain because of the “critics”, I know it is negative feedback about my own performance in the perspective of the other. If I value the perspective of the other I will adapt my approach. If I don’t feel pain, I have to ask more details until I understand his real problem. Maybe it is just an misunderstanding :-)
That’s actually a really good advice. Thanks!
Hi Karol,
You raise a great question in your blog, thank you. Don’t care if it is not valid and care if it is. While most of us know this, is very difficult to put into practice because we have beliefs and interpretations that override our logic. We need to take responsibility for our cognitive spin on “valid” in order to insure our success according to your premise.
Thanks for stirring things up.
Ed
Sure, not every opinion should be taken into account while improving your work. As I said before, some people can’t seem to understand that simply having an internet access doesn’t make them a critic :)
A great article arguing for a rational approach to criticism. It’s all too easy for the emotional side of to quickly become despondent and fall into a vicious cycle of negative self-talk — very self-defeating behavior. Instead, if we come to terms with the reality of our situation, that not everyone can be satisfied, we can go into these situations without expectations for accolades. We can ask for feedback and do with that information what we please.
Of course. The sooner we realize that not everything we do will be positively recognized the better for us.
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Well, sometimes critisism is necessary – but for critisism to be meaningful it must be delivered in a zone of mutual trust. If not it will only build anger. Trust is key to effective communication – as portrayed in this guy’s blog: http://humanskill.weebly.com/1/post/2011/06/first-post.html .
“Every now and then you will find money on the sidewalk, but it doesn’t mean you should make it your new career and search for it 40 hours a week.” LOL
Great post!
Hi! Thanks for the great information you have provided!
You have touched on crucial points!
I would just like to say to all
my fellow Entrepreneurs…just remember that persistence is the key to success.
Nice experience shared. Its not
less than an interview. Great way of posting such good and informative stuff.
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To address your hypothetical situation: Maybe you should listen to the friend. Remember, an average non-professional view can be helpful, since it’s average non-professional people who will be visiting the site. You want to avoid style over substance. It’s the same reason that software is beta tested before sold.
Like Paul said, this is a terrible article. And from the way you reacted to it, you seem to be taking your advice too seriously. Remember, we’re the ones reading. We’re the customers. If we don’t like an article, we’re unlikely to read others, we won’t send it to others who might click on your ads, and then you don’t get paid. You have a responsibility to keep up. If it were as simple as “post an article; get views; ??? profit!”, then a really lazy ”writer” could just literally post “blah blah blah” or if he wanted to be classy, “Lorem ipsum dolor” and still get paid.
Also, keep in mind: if the public gives your works negative reviews, then your sponsors are more likely to pull out. Remember what happened to Glen Beck.
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I liked your article. _Because_ I think you’re right, a lot of us don’t want to admit it though because it’s hard to do. :) It’s tough to ask ourselves, “What do I want from this interaction?”, and really dig down for an honest answer.
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Hi Karol,
I liked the article. I do believe that criticism may also be a subjective thing. Someone may be giving another person (for example) good, valid feedback, and that person might take it the wrong way. I think in this case it’s just best to have an open mind and not to take everything so personal.
This is so true! Going to other people for validation and approval is just asking to be shot down. And the worst part is it usually isn’t about you at all! People will give negative comments based on where they are.
Great advice
There’s an awesome booked called ‘The Disease to Please’ that also touches on this kind of stuff. Even better though is this program (San Fran based company) called Social Fluency. They teach essential communication and assertiveness skills to help men and women better interact and connect with each other. Check them out socialfluency.com and shoot them an e-mail!
Seriously, changed my life!
In this day and age of reviews and reports which are, in effect, criticisms (good or bad), your article is very valid. Criticism has another category: unasked-for criticism. I run a holiday complex in France and I am also a writer, so I receive both types of criticism from two different angles. What I always say to people is DON’T BE RUDE. Say “this book was not for me”, or say “the food was not to my tastes”, but do not be rude and nasty about other people’s work, ESPECIALLY when it can affect their entire business, as is my case. Mercifully I have mostly good comments, but writers of reviews (or of criticisms if you like) need to be aware they are talking about real live human beings who can truly suffer as a result of unkind words.