Ringlight: Beauty vs. Flaws from Auzigog on flickr
was at the pool recently with my son when a stranger tapped me on the shoulder. “Your bathing suit top is on backwards,” she said. Embarrassed, I hurried to the restroom and put the suit on correctly. Was I glad this woman I didn’t know pointed out my mistake? Not particularly. I was actually a tad annoyed because she’d made me feel insecure. And who did she think she was, anyway?
Then there’s the time that I sent out pre-printed holiday cards and a casual friend asked if I knew that there was a typo on the card. I didn’t understand his need to point this out – if I knew about the error, then surely I was already feeling badly about it. If I didn’t know, then his alerting me to the typo wasn’t going to change the fact that the cards already went out and there was nothing I could do about it.
If They Aren’t Close, Mind Your Own Business
I believe that the only people with whom you are entitled to proactively bring up mistakes or flaws are your immediate family members, your best friends, and your direct reports. Everyone can improve, this is true, but these are the individuals who will most appreciate and value your desire to help them in that capacity. These are the individuals who can have a sense of humor about minor criticisms and take them in the spirit in which they are offered.
At Work, Do You Say it with Tact or Not at All?
In work situations, you risk alienating colleagues and/or managers when you point out their mistakes or flaws. For example, suppose your office-mate stutters a lot in group meetings. Should you bring it up to him? In my opinion, the answer is no. He probably can’t control his stuttering, and as tactful as you think you’re being, you’ll probably still hurt his feelings. If his manager wants to address it, that’s her prerogative.
Don’t Be Mr. or Mrs. Fix It
It’s not your responsibility to ensure perfect conduct the part of your colleagues, so even if you have an obsessive attention to detail or feel morally outraged about an issue, let it go. Unless your action can keep a grievous mistake from occurring in the first place, it’s not worth the potential damage to your reputation.
I sense that some of you might find fault with this point of view. So let’s open the forum – what do you think?
I respectfully disagree!
At my previous job (which involved a fair amount of writing), we had a saying “Red ink equals love.” The fact that a co-worker was willing to take the time and energy to edit my material meant they cared a lot for me and that they wanted me to succeed.
Now, I know that this is different from what you are saying in that their critique was solicited, but from that experience I have developed the perspective that I can improve myself from almost any critique, well-intended or not, said lovingly or nastily.
At the same time, this article reminds me that not everyone feels the same as I do, so I need to be judicious in my “helpful advice”!
I would also respectfully disagree.
I believe if you are going to point out a fault however it must be well thought-out and tactful. As an example, whenever I spot someone with their zipper down I make it appoint to find the right time where I can keep everyone else out of the conversation and let them know they are exposing themselves. This is embarrassing but it is worse to sit around and everyone recognize your heart shaped boxers because no one wants to say anything. I hope this is not too far from the point you were attempting to make.
“At the same time, this article reminds me that not everyone feels the
same as I do, so I need to be judicious in my “helpful advice”!” – Agreed
I appreciate the feedback, and you weren’t off point at all. I also love your “name!”
So if I have a booger hanging out of my nose or some lettuce in my teeth, my co-workers should not tell me about it? Then I can go in from of many more people and humiliate myself even more? Sorry, but I wish they would.
Personally, I think knowing the person helps.
You have used two spaces after all of your periods in this article. You are not on a typewriter. You are not using a mono-spaced font. It is distracting and harder, not easier, to read.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sentence_spacing
Pointing out flaws is really a gray area at the workplace and only something that can be learned in terms of how to do it and when to do it over experience. I’ve gotten both positive and negative results during my corporate career. For example, early on I was interviewing for a product management position and I went in telling the marketing guy all the ‘flaws’ in their present marketing programs to the sales force. I thought he would appreciate the report since I was from the sales department but let’s just say I didn’t get the promotion. In later years, I think I learned how to do this more tactfully and eventually did get promoted to management. So there is an art to this as it seems that negative criticisms are sometimes unwelcomed and sometimes there are, when presented constructively and if the recipient is in a welcoming mode.
Wow, unless the person pointing out your backwards top was announcing
it on a loud-speaker, I would have been grateful if it was me in that situation. There is a big difference between a comment
about something that cannot be changed, e.g. your typo example, and something
that can be easily fixed, e.g. your bathing suit top or spinach in your
teeth.
Good point, Karen.
Disagree..
1. Someone can’t “make” you feel insecure. Period.
2. I’d want to know if I was walking around with clothes on all crazy. Please tell me if there’s spinach in my teeth discreetly too.
That said, obviously keep “helpfulness” to a minimum. No one likes to feel stalked.
It’s not a “flaw” that someone is pointing out, it’s something that could be embarrassing if allowed to continue so I for one definitely appreciate someone telling me these things.
Dear Alexandra,
Please consider to ask for criticism instead if you easily get offended when people point out possible improvements. Constructive criticism is the way to improvement and pointing out flaws that could cause possible embarrassment is normally with good intention unless it’s done in a way to demeanor someone.
I was intrigued while reading the headline thinking this would be thoughtful and interesting read. Instead I found something that although well written seems to be written in affect. I hope it made you feel better afterwards, but perhaps it’s not so rewarding for us readers.
Regarding some of the examples. Most people simply don’t think before commenting. Please bear with them or simply ask what they suggest to do about it. This normally shuts them up.
Love,
Disagree.
In the first two cases I’d have been quite appreciative of the assistance, even if it brought momentary embarassment.
The example of making a co-worker aware of their stuttering is just plain ridiculous. Dealing with someone’s body odour – now that’s where we could do with some advice.
Before pointing out problems, I think we need to ask yourselves why? If it’s a sincere desire to help the other person, continue, if it’s a desire to knock someone down or make yourself look smart, stop.
If you desire to help, the next question is, does the person already know? Someone with a stuttering problem presumably knows about it, you are not being helpful by mentioning it. The bathing suit on backward is probably unintentional and unknown, continue.
Next, can this problem be fixed? The bathing suit on backwards can be fixed pretty easily, continue. Stutering can not, stop.
Lastly, if you are starting with good intentions and want to inform someone about a fixable problem they are probably not aware of, how can you do this with the least disruption? A whisper or a discrete note or the like is helpful. Shouting across the room is not.
David Kaiser, PhD
Time Coach
http://www.DarkMatterConsulting.com
“Time to be Extraordinary!”
Valid distinction, David. I think pointing out someone’s stuttering would actually be cruel.
So, if you make a spelling mistake – or have a broken link – you don’t want a reader to email you? I find most bloggers appreciate hearing about errors – maybe only because it shows someone is carefully reading their blog. I appreciate it if people tell me if something’s weird about what I’m wearing. I agree however, that noting mistakes when they can’t be corrected is annoying
I see a lot of people who disagree, but I’m not one of them. I see a lot of people saying “I wouldn’t mind” type of things, and I personally feel the same. But just because I feel that way doesn’t mean the people around me are comfortable with me pointing out (even discreetly) a mistake, flaw or failure.
WAIT!!! BUT YOU POINTED OUT THE FLAW OF PEOPLE UNNECESSARILY POINTING OUT FLAWS!
TO STRANGERS!
ISN’T IT NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE PERFECT CONDUCT ON THE PART OF PEOPLE WHO POINT OUT OTHER PEOPLE’S FLAWS? ;D
WAIT!!! BUT YOU POINTED OUT THE FLAW OF PEOPLE UNNECESSARILY POINTING OUT FLAWS!
TO STRANGERS!
ISN’T IT NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ENSURE PERFECT CONDUCT ON THE PART OF PEOPLE WHO POINT OUT OTHER PEOPLE’S FLAWS? ;D
if you are perfect..and if you are God.. then by all means criticize.if not. shut up. that simple!
I agree with having tact but you’re comparing wardrobe mishaps to personal traits such as being nervous speaking in public. Furthermore, you’re overall referring to not having these mishaps as being perfect. (“It’s not your responsibility to ensure perfect conduct…”). Also, might I point out that you’re missing a word in that sentence?
I think you’re taking people’s help for granted & assuming instead that you’re being critiqued. Perhaps having a little more self-confidence & jumping to conclusions a little less will solve some of your embarrassed feelings and insecurities.
When it comes down to it, there are huge differences between trying to help shield someone from embarrassement, doing a job and just plain being a jerk.
I respectfully disagree too. As I also know that you don’t expect this comment since we’re not immediate family members :)
I totally appreciate you bringing up this topic so that we all could share our thoughts.
For me, if someone shows you your flaw, it means they wants to help you and make u appear better and don’t get ashamed in front of other people that may see you with the flaw. If I see someone with some food on their teeth I will tell them so that they will appear nice later. He or she may just feel a bit awkward with me but then he is way more confident afterwards.
Thank you anyway :)
Interesting take.
I’ve always been taught that if it’s something that
1. can be easily fixed and
2. will likely cause the person greater embarrassment if *not* fixed than if pointed out,
then one should point it out. And OTHERWISE, say nothing.
I think you’re the first person I’ve heard say they would prefer someone say nothing even if the two conditions are met.
I hate when my bestfriends voice their opinions on how I’m dressed. There are times when I’ll leave the house feeling pretty damn good about my outfit, and actually get stared at and hit on on the street. And then I’ll meet up with my friends and they’ll be like “Omg K, what are you wearing?!” or “That top would have looked better if you wore it with this or that…”. It really brings my mood down for the rest of the day, makes me wonder if all the stares I got were just because I was dressed funny and of course makes me obssesively plan my next outfit. And I’m really not that kind of person, Im chillled back about how I dress and would probably rock a t shirt and jean every day. So to close :) I really would rather not know their opinions, I’d just like to continue in my own litle world of thinking I’m looking hot.
You seem to be very young and inexperienced, and your insecurity is showing. Are you perfect…hell no….should you be appreciative that someone helped you…hell yes. Be angry at yourself for putting the top on backwards if your injured pride needs to be angry, not at the person that helped you out tactfully.
Ich fühle, dass ich ein Sachverständigen auf diesem Gebiet zu einem bestimmten Zeitpunkt zu werden. Vielen Dank für die mir die dringend benötigte Inspiration.
http://www.clschuhe.org
I tried to make a valid, concrete point, and I did. Then I erased it because I’m so bored with whiny, dis-empowered malcontents such as yourself. Ditch the attitude, smile and stop advising people on this subject.
Everyone else: most people are like this clown, be careful.