What they don't know...
So, what are your thoughts on honesty?
Do you fib? Often? Do you have honesty rules? If so, where did those rules come from?
Experience? Parents? Church? Your inner voice?
Do you think that sometimes dishonesty is the right thing? The best option in some situations? Could there be a time when dishonesty is the best policy?
Oh, the questions…
We all know that honesty can be painful — and unpopular. It can also be liberating — and rewarding. We know it will end some relationships — and repair others. Sometimes, it shuts doors — and sometimes, it opens them.
Some people want to hear the truth. Some don’t.
Some say they do…but really they don’t.
Lying About Lying
Like it or not, want it or not, lying is an ever-present reality of the world we live in.
Kids do it — and so do grown-ups. Governments do it to protect you and me. Apparently.
(Or maybe they do it to protect themselves.)
Who else does it?
- Businesses
- Wives
- Husbands
- Bosses
- Staff
- Managers
- Leaders
Even those who stand in front of their congregations on the weekend do it.
Not surprisingly, we usually lie about our lying too. And when we do get busted, we inform the Honesty Police that our moral misdemeanor was in fact a ‘white lie’; a well-meaning deception. And, as we all know, white lies are okay.
Degrees of Honesty
Some people talk about the notion of ‘complete’ honesty, but is there any other kind? Surely, if it’s not complete honesty, then it’s dishonesty…right?
“If it ain’t true, then it’s a lie.” Isn’t it? There’s no such thing as ‘telling a bit of a lie’ is there? A ‘half-truth’ (a term we use often) is simply a euphemism for dishonesty, isn’t it? And I guess ‘bending the truth’ sounds more honorable than ‘lying my arse off’. And finally, let’s not forget the very manly art of exaggeration; one of the more socially acceptable forms of lying.
Wow, it’s hard to be honest about our dishonesty isn’t it?
After all, nobody wants to wear the ‘liar’ label. We tend to get a little self-righteous and defensive when it comes to our ‘bending of the truth’ don’t we? Someone recently said to me, “Oh, yes Craig — but there’s lying and there’s lying.” The implication being that there’s acceptable and unacceptable lying.
Interesting.
Selfless and selfish lying, perhaps? Okay, who decides which is which?
The same person told me that she only lies when “she has to” and that “sometimes lying is the kind thing to do”. Can’t say that I totally disagree with her.
So many great questions. But are there any universal answers?
Am Not! You Are!
When questioned, most of us say we’re honest people. It’s what we do. It’s our default setting.
But it’s not true; most of us lie regularly.
Of course, we might lie for ‘noble’ reasons. Like to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Or to avoid sharing some personal information. Or to avoid a pointless argument or a potentially volatile situation. But surely that kind of dishonesty is okay.
Wouldn’t honesty be an illogical choice in some situations? Which would make the occasional fib totally acceptable when there’s a good reason. Wouldn’t it? Having said that, who decides what a ‘good’ reason is?
Hmm…more questions.
One study revealed that the average person lies three times in a typical ten minute conversation. Notice I didn’t say “the average pathological liar lies three times”. No…I said “the average person”. Clearly, you and I are not average.
I lie much more.
So, what are your thoughts on honesty? Come on…be honest.
(Photo credit: Businessman Crossing Fingers via Shutterstock)
hahaha I rather enjoyed reading this article. ’twas cleverly laid out.
Regarding these questions…. I’d have to say I like the complete honesty approach.
Hang on! stop a minute, let’s not get hung up on outcomes. After all, none of us are perfect, and perhaps the outcome is not as important as the intention.
Most folks that seem to disagree with ‘complete honesty’ that I’ve chatted with in the past seem to get caught on this thing about … wait a minute… “Of course, we might lie for ‘noble’ reasons. Like to avoid hurting someone’s feelings…”
I’m not saying that complete honesty is necessarily achievable, but it does seem a hell of a lot simpler and easier to just be honest (to the best of our knowledge) than to float around in a subjective sea of moral questions regarding degrees of honesty. Forget moral lines, forget appropriacey, keep it simple, and just try to be as honest as you can. Relationships with loved ones, friends, and coworkers all get stronger and more beautiful for it.
Maybe I’m just not into trying to navigate moral ambiguity… seems like a lot of pointless effort.
The problem with complete honesty is that it is ridiculously idealistic and assumes we are all wonderful level headed people, detached, tactful, sympathetic, empathetic, polite, encouraging, wise, and presumably a whole host of other qualities.
This is where I think the secret lies (oh ho ho…secrets? lies?)
Such matters cannot be isolated. Frankness is a great quality to have, but who wants to talk with a frank person at work that lacks tactfulness? Who wants to work with a brilliant strategist, than has no empathy for others?
The point is, you can take any quality/virtue, and say either that perfection in it is a great thing; regardless of consequence, or say that it’s bad to have any quality in excess because their will be negative consequences.
So what shall we do? Is it really this black and white? No. I for one would rather make a conscious effort to strengthen qualities that I notice I am lacking in, and hopefully, in turn become a more content, helpful and well rounded individual capable of enjoying and contributing to the richness of life.
I’m far from perfect, but I’d like to die a better person than I am now. No virtue is an on/off switch, they are parts of our lives that can be pursued indefinitely.
hmm I hope this reads easily enough, it’s pretty late and my brain isn’t at its optimum.
You are a fucking moron.
I’ll give you some honesty. Craig Harper is a shallow and arrogant fool. I just came across his unbelievably shameful post from last year entitled “Don’t blame your parents.” in which he suggests that survivors of parental child abuse are wallowing in self pity if they feel angry about it. Tell you what Craig. Try slamming your face on the floor until your nose is broken, like my father did to me when I was 11. Then leave the bloodstain there to remind yourself to behave better in future. You definitely should be blaming your parents Craig. They raised a poor excuse for a man.