7 Ways to Deal with Annoying People and Still Get Things Done
It’s a basic fact of life that, unless you’re Will Rogers, you can’t get along with everyone. Unfortunately, it’s also a fact that throughout your life, you’ll be in situations where you simply have to communicate with some of those people you just can’t stand. This may be an annoying boss, an ingratiating fan, a spineless co-worker, a difficult client, an abrasive in-law, and any number of people with any number of faults.
As much as you might like to run away and hide when you see these people coming, you’ll often need to work with them, sometimes (too) closely, in order to achieve your goals. You don’t always have to be nice – professional and to-the-point will often get the job done just as well – but you do need to make yourself understood clearly or risk letting your dislike translate into inefficient communication that hinders or even undermined entirely whatever projects you’re working on.
Fortunately, all it really takes is patience — with yourself as much as with the other person — and a little discipline to make sure you stay on the same page – and that you don’t get caught up in whatever makes them so hard to get along with in the first place.
1. Listen.
A lot of conflicts are based in misunderstandings, so always make sure you’re getting everything, It can be easy enough to tune someone out when they annoy you; the trick is to use careful questioning to focus the other person on the topic at hand so they give you what you need and avoid straying too far. Poor listening leads to misunderstandings that need clarification – which means more time spent with someone you’d really rather not be around.
2. Repeat everything.
Besides the tendency to tune out people you’d rather avoid, our feelings about another person can color our perception of what they’re saying. To avoid this, repeat back any instructions, questions, or other problems they pose to you to make sure you absolutely understand what they’re saying. Give them a chance to correct you before you go off half-cocked, sure you know what “that kind of person” wants.
3. Keep your cool.
It’s tempting to want to argue with people who rub you the wrong way, or to lose it and start pointing out their faults. Don’t do that! Unless they’re wrong about something that directly and materially affects you, don’t bother – starting a debate or, worse, an argument will only prolong your agony – and neither of you is likely to change your mind. Save the debates for when you’re with friends whose opinions matter to you.
4. Be clear about boundaries.
You don’t have to be friends with everyone. Which means you don’t have to do favors for everyone who asks. If someone’s encroaching on your time, simply tell them, “I’m sure this is important to you but it simply isn’t a priority for me right now. I really need to work on x and not y.” Again, there’s no need to be mean, just redirect the conversations whenever conversation drifts into areas that aren’t relevant and where you know you’ll be annoyed.
5. Fight fire with ice.
The worst thing you can do with an angry or irrational person is engage him or her. In the heat of aggression, any word or action interpreted as aggressive in response will only trigger more aggression – and most of the item, if someone is upset and railing about it, every word and action will be read as aggression. As hard as it might seem to do, the best thing is to sit quietly and let them spend themselves ranting and raving, and then ask if they’d like to schedule a time to discuss the matter more calmly and return to whatever you were doing. If this sets off another round of yelling, simply wait it out and repeat.
It sucks, but the bottom line is you have nothing to gain by engaging with an irate person in the heat of the moment. And while it may seem that you’re giving up control of the situation – after all, you’re sitting there passively taking it all in, even abuse – most people feel ashamed and contrite after an outburst, especially one in which their target clearly was not responding to or inciting them, which puts you back in charge when there’s actually something you can do about the situation.
6. Close the door.
While you may have to interact with people you don’t care for in any number of situations, remember that your time is your own and don’t let other people, especially ones you’d rather not interact with, take control of your time.
Communication outside of the narrow band needed to fulfill both of your objectives should be minimized – which often means forcefully limiting such talk. Make it clear when you are unavailable, and make yourself unavailable as often as possible. If you have the power, require that your partner make an appointment, and gently reject any effort to discuss your work or projects outside of that scheduled time. People – even annoying people – tend to respect the time of people who make a clear showing that they take their own time very seriously.
7. You’re valuable. Remember it.
If you’ve found yourself in a position where you are obligated for some reason to spend time with someone you dislike, remember that most likely, they are in the same position – and it’s you they dislike. But you wouldn’t be in that situation if you didn’t provide something of value – whether that’s a work skill or talent, specialized knowledge, even things as abstract as emotional support or solidarity. You have a mission, so to speak, and everything that distracts you from that mission reduces your value.
Remember that, and don’t be afraid to remind others of that. You are valuable, which means they need you as much as you need them. If you’re spending your working time listening to someone on your team going on and on about the sandwich she made the night before for her lunch today, it’s ok to remind her that she’s not making the best use of the value you bring.
People that are annoying, difficult, selfish, boring, or otherwise a chore to deal with are that way for reasons that have nothing to do with you – it’s not your job to fix, engage with, or indulge those tendencies. Don’t worry abut figuring them out or correcting them, worry instead about how you’re going to manage their annoyances without letting it hinder your ability to achieve your own goals. What is your place is to take the control the other person has clearly relinquished, and making sure you get out of the contact what you need. The tips above will help.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Dustin Wax
Dustin M. Wax is a freelance writer and project manager at Stepcase Lifehack. He is also the creator of The Writer's Technology Companion, a site devoted to the tools of the writing trade. When he's not writing, he teaches anthropology and gender studies in Las Vegas, NV. He is the author of Don't Be Stupid: A Guide to Learning, Studying, and Succeeding at College.
Follow him on Twitter: @dwax.
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Comments
Misha says on January 28th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Do your 7 ways also apply to a spouse?
oldblueday says on January 28th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
I liked this post. Thanks, Dustin.
Good question, Misha. My spouse and I argue a lot. I’ve found it’s easier to just “listen” (#1) and “keep my cool” (#3 and #5). In those situations, my spouse doesn’t want to and won’t hear anything I’m saying.
It certainly is tough because the attacks tend to be personal and there is a lot of emotional investment in there.
The trick (for me) is to be calm but not taken advantage of. This is where the “setting boundaries” and “closing the door” may help.
All that being said, I’m not saying it works all the time… or… any of the time… but it’s better than adding fuel to the fire.
Anyone else have any more advice?
Dan Massicotte says on January 28th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
These 7 ways are great. During my internship a few months back I tried to avoid meetings. They’re such a waste of time. I was actually able to get my whole day done in 3-4 hours instead of 7-8 by avoiding meetings, talking less and focusing intently on what I was doing to avoid making silly mistakes.
Steve @ Freedom Education says on January 28th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Hey Dustin,
I think that anytime you find “defects” or something annoying with another person, it’s a reflection of what you find annoying in yourself. The people in your life are always magnifying your ways of being.
You see, every person in your life is a mirror reflection of who you are.
When you’re inspired, it’s because you see something in that person that you see in yourself.
This goes both ways. If you’re annoyed with someone, it’s because you’re annoyed with something in your own life. This entire world and the people in it are a reflection of who you are in it.
How do you get rid of annoying?
Always place your attention on what you can provide to the relationship, instead of what you can receive. Do this and I guarantee you’ll have the most fantastic relationships ;)
boots says on January 28th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Thank you!!! This may be the most useful article I’ve ever read on Lifehack, and that’s saying a lot. I tend to just avoid and ignore annoying people in the workplace, which is not always the best strategy. This is really helpful.
Dustin Wax says on January 28th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Misha: I think a lot ofthis applies to communication in general, but I might suggest that if someone finds their spouse annoying and difficult to be around on a consistent basis, they maybe have deeper issues than I’ve addressed here.
Steve: Partially agree — I’m not sure the things we dislike in others are *always* a reflection of ourselves, but it certainly does happen often enough. While in the long term, this can be valuable for personal growth, sometimes you just have to get a project finished with someone who, for whatever reason, you just can’t stand.
Interestingly, as I was writing this, in the back of my mind was the thought that sometimes people who are annoying or otherwise problematic are reaching out for help or simply desperate for companionship, which softened quite a bit of what I might have said even though I didn’t think that point was worth pursuing in this particular post. It’s important to remember, though — which is why none of these tips say anything like “tell the person to buzz off!” or “treat them with withering scorn” — I don’t think most of us could live with ourselves if we treated someone badly and later found out an awful rationale for their annoyingness.
Sonny Parlin says on January 28th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
This is precisely why I work for myself.
Manny says on January 28th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
This post came at the perfect time, because there is this one co-worker that is making me want to claw his eyes out. You final statement really hits home — it is not my job to fix him or figure him out. Thanks for writing this!
Vince says on January 28th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
These are great tips. Sometimes you just have to accept that annoying ppl exist no matter what and nothing you do will change them. You can only change yourself and adapt to the situation or adjust your internal thoughts.
Steve wrote quite an interesting comment. I agree that things you don’t like about someone are things you might not like about yourself. But you try not to be those things, and seeing other people be them will annoy you. Hopefully that makes sense.
Yes, But Still... says on January 28th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’
Nice—And, I definitely would agree that empathic communication can go a long way when working alongside the disagreeable.
Project Management - PM Hut says on January 28th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
This article is very relevant for Project Manager when they’re dealing with annoying team members and stakeholders. Project Managers who apply the above are rare, but they do exist.
Btw, I think that “keep your cool” is probably the same thing as “fight fire with ice”.
Dustin Wax says on January 28th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
PM Hut: You may be right. I was thinking of “keep your cool” as not going on the offensive — not lashing out at someone when they’ve annoyed you just a little too much — and “fight fire with ice” as not being defensive, but in spirit they are similar.
Vincent says on January 28th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Hey Dustin,
Knowing how to deal with annoying people is a skill that is valuable to us. If we do not know how to deal with annoying people, their annoyance will definitely creep up on us and affect our day which is not desirable. Great tips listed.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Lee Ann / Living Introverted says on January 29th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Hey Dustin,
Thanks for the great post! I find that #3 and #5 are particularly effective for me.
I would also add to your list – Don’t Take Anything Personally! As you mentioned in #7, people who are annoying are that way for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Thanks again!
Steve @ Freedom Education says on January 29th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
@ Dustin:
About a year back, I was in a group Mastermind where 3 of us got together for a weekly conference call to help each other with our business goals.
There was one guy in our group that was always late with the calls; sometimes 5 or even 10 minutes late. He wouldn’t show up on time and it really started to piss me off.
After a few weeks of this I finally told the guy how it bothered me and that I would appreciate if he would show up to the call – and keep his commitment.
At some point during that conversation I realized that the source of my frustration was not with him, but with myself; because I wasn’t showing up and remaining committed to the goals in my own life.
Granted, I hear what you’re saying. Maybe my degree of frustration would “show-up” even more in relationships where other people were just plain irresponsible and not committed at all.
In that case I wouldn’t want to partner or work with these people either ;)
Free Diet says on January 29th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Keeping cool is the part I find difficult but I’m working on it.
Bruce says on January 29th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I like your points but #5 has an alternative tactic which might be appropriate in some situations. Being calm when the other person is overwrought may irritate them more. Some people advocate matching their emotional intensity and then gradually bringing the tone down to where it should be. This is not my style since I am naturally very soft spoken but when I lose it I really lose it! But it is a viewpoint that is well argued for example here: http://hwebbjr.typepad.com/ope.....l_wit.html
Dustin Wax says on January 30th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Bruce: That seems like an interesting strategy. One that I’m pretty sure I couldn’t pull off very effectively — like you, if I’m at that level of intensity, I’m already well past being rational! The trick with remaining calm is that it may well, in fact, irritate the other person to new levels of anger — but that’s not your problem (unless they fire you or something — but do you really want to work for someone who will fire you out of anger and not rational reflection?). The point is not what they do during the altercation but after — and if they’ve gone way beyond reasonable limits because you refused to engage them, they’re likely to feel pretty strong remorse and, ideally, that kicks them into a more rational thought process. Whereas rising to their level runs the risk of leaving them with the impression that there were *two* irrational parties, and that *you* were being irrational, not just them.
I suppose there’s a call for both approaches, depending on context.
Steve @ Freedom Education says on February 1st, 2009 at 11:53 am
@ Bruce – I like that approach of matching the emotional state; although I can’t say that I’ve used this approach “consciously.”
In Neuro-Linguistics Programming (NLP) it’s called matching state or building rapport. Rapport that connection you make with people, it’s that state when you feel safe with another person – you can trust them sort of feelings.
Then once you have rapport with that person you can then lead the direction of the conversation by matching words and behaviors (ie. facial expression, posture, arm position, etc.)
In my own experience it takes a certain level of mastery and ‘unconscious competence’ to become skilled at this.
I find that building rapport with others at the conscious level just makes others feel weird – like you’re trying to manipulate them or something.
Liora Hess says on February 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I had the misfortune of having a scheduled phone meeting with a highly emotional person today. Though I hadn’t read this article first (wish I had), I decided beforehand that I would keep my cool at all costs; I would not engage.
The result was laughable. The person evidently came to the meeting with an idea that they were going to have a fight. They were emotional. I let them talk and talk and talk, not interrupting once. And when they were talked out and paused in what seemed like confusion of “okay, where do I take this now if she’s not going to fight with me?” I then calmly stated, “Okay, if I can share where I’m coming from.” As I started in with a calm, even-paced voice, the individual cut me off midsentence. I paused, and then she said, “okay, I’ll wait.” I continued. She coughed and sighed and moved around throughout my talking, in what seemed like obvious annoyance. When she talked again, she the volume and speed were high. I let her talk til she was wrung out, and then I came back calm, professional, and dealing with the facts not emotions.
The result of this technique was a real learning lesson for me and it absolutely supports this article. If you refuse to engage, it is very disconcerting to the other party who really wants to take things to an emotional level.
I agree with the one commenter that the emotional party can actually become more aggravated by your refusal to engage, but I’m not sure that it’s worth it for you to change your own form in an attempt to somehow manage the other’s behavior. Few people have that level of self-control, and there are risks to your reputation and perhaps more by mirroring bad behavior.
And certainly nobody should accept bullying, if a situation escalates to that. It’s easy to become demoralized in a situation in which you’re exposed to a ranting coworker or boss, so I’m glad that #6 and #7 in this article weren’t omitted. They are vital to the process.
Courtney says on March 26th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
you’re cool.
this page is wierd.(:
Christina says on August 19th, 2009 at 3:30 am
Hi
I really found this article helpful. I think most people do realize that they should remain cool but its hard to do that when you are emotionally invested in something. The thing that really brought this home to me was number 7, we are valuable. I think that is what most people are looking to hear.